I Shall Become a Pioneer Woman!

Well, it is November 1st.  It is this time of year when turkeys are on the loose waiting to be eaten by modern day Pilgrims.  It is the time of year when all of the retail world decides it is time you decorate your house for a holiday two months away.  And, for me, it is time to start planning a wedding.

On September 29, 2012, I shall become Mrs. Jody Suarez.  And, in doing so, I got lots of work to do to make it happen.  Well, I guess we do.  But, you know how it is.  Women are always more involved in this kind of thing.  For one reason, it's our wedding.  Out big day.  Our fairy tale event.  Second, it is because we are bossy and want everything to be our way.  So, I am just going to take the reigns on this one. 

We are going all out DIY because we ain't gots no money!  And, what would some fancy shindig do with me at the center of it?  It would run off and cry that it got stuck with my no sock, tennis shoe wearing, half greasy haired dorkball instead of some Debutant it deserved.  We have tons of ideas and little bread, so we are gonna work it like a drag queen.  As Tim Gunn says, we are gonna "make it work."

We have the date, and we are pretty sure we know where we are going to have it.  We are probably going to go with Pioneer Town in Wimberley.  It is a great tacky little place with a lot of character and a whole lot of good memories for me as a kid and us as grownups.  It's pretty awesome.  There used to be a train and a medicine show.  But, those things seemed to have dried up.  However, it still kinda rules...and has a house made of bottles!  How awesome is that?  Here are some pictures of the place.

Isn't it great?  I am sure that it was hoards of family fun in the 60s and 70s and 80s.  Well, I know it was because that's when I first went there. It isn't so much the happening place it used to be, but that's just why I like it!  We are going next weekend to give the wedding facilities the once over.  Let's hope we love it or else we just might be eloping.

Other than that, we have nothing.  I have been perusing websites about how to do a wedding.  I think it should be doable by us.  I think.  I have no idea about food or  a dress or any of that good stuff.  But, all in due time.  And all when we get some mula!

That's a Dish of a Different of a Different Color of Mold

I need a dishwasher.  Really.  We're living like crackhead kitchen over here.  You know when you just stare at the dishes.  Just stare at them.  They are sitting there all covered in egg yolk and ketchup and dried up salad dressing and old coffee.  And you just stare.  Then try to stack one more plate on the towering dish mound.  And it works, so you don't have to do the dishes!  You can eat cereal out of a coffee cup.  It's no big deal.  It's kinda fun and whimsical.  And cool and modern.  And stupid and lazy because I just don't want to do the dishes!

Why do I think having a dishwasher would cure this?  Actually, it would cure the guilt.  I could just chunk all my dishes in there and have them out of sight.  That would help.  I wouldn't feel so cracky.  I think sometimes that we should just use paper plates and plastic silverware.  But, I can't be that awful to the environment.  I mean, I guess I can.  But, I would feel terrible.

So, I will just sit here and hope they wash themselves.  Or get up and do it.  Or just stare at Jody until he does it.  Is it okay to start pulling woman moves like that?  Nag or something?  He's got to be expecting it at some point.  Nah.  I'll wait on that until I want someone to paint the house.

I hate you dirty dishes!  I hate you!  It's not at all my lazy fault that you are there.  Not at all.  It's all on you.  And I hate you!

Saying Something About 4 Years, Yo!

Going to the Chapel...

And, I'm gonna get meh-re-rare-ied!  Yes, I am!

I'm getting married.  Mr. Jody got down on one knee and proposed to me this evening.  Well, I guess it was yesterday evening.  And, I said yes!  Well, I guess you figured that out or else I wouldn't be writing this.

I'm so excited!  Married!  Like real live people do.  I can't wait.  I'm a be Mrs. Suarez.  Ah!!  I'm so happy!

Please ignore the unpainted nails.  He caught me off guard. I was actually in my undies watching Dateline or some such nonsense.  I was looking ultra fabulous.  But, that must mean he really loves me!  I am so excited.  Just wait for all the annoying wedding blogging that will come!  Yay!

I Actually Thought Today was Monday...

Why Did End This Way?

Right this minute Jody is giving me dreadlocks whilst I am listening to "On My Own" by Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald.  It's a fun night.

Cheeseballs From the Dollar Store Gave Me a Tummy Ache

Serves me right.  I shoulda passed them up.  But, dang they are good.  I wish Cheetos still made them.  Remember Cheese Balls.  I hate the ones from Mr. Peanut or whoever has that blue canister with Mr. Peanut on them.  They are greasy, gross, and make you have to go.  And, this from a fat girl.  That means they are doing something wrong because I should be their main clientele. But, the old Cheetos ones where so good!  I can remember the blue bag now...

Wow, I am trying to find a picture of them on google, and I am coming up with nothing. I didn't make these up in my head, did I?  My sister would know.  She loved the damn things.  By the way, it's Planters that makes the bad ones, not Mr. Peanut.  I mean, he is on the can, but it wasn't him personally who made the yucky balls.  Sorry, Mr. Peanut, for blaming you.  It's actually your company.

Well, now I am on the hunt for Cheetos Brand Cheese Balls.  Even Wikipedia (say it like Mosby) isn't helping me.  I swear, this product existed.  Of course, I think if I can't find it in a 8 second google search, I am wrong.  Dang this Internet fad!  You're making me doubt myself.

Okay, off to research Cheese Balls.  Balls....hahaha.

Good Lord!

I can't sleep, as per usual.  So, I am watching church on TV.  Good lord, it's boring.  And they keep misspelling the words they are typing at the bottom of the screen.  Maybe this is why I am not religious.  Bad spelling and boring speeches.  I'm going to bed.

Man, I'm a Drag!

I sure do poop out on this blog a lot, don't I?  Am I bored, boring, or lazy?  I am sure it is all three.  Well, lots has happened in a month.  I will tell you all about it at some other time.  For now, you just get a couple of pictures of my past month.  I would have more, but one such thing that happened was the loss of a laptop and my camera charger!  Hurray!

I shall bring more to the party when I get a bit more time.  But, isn't that a pretty picture right there?  Walking has been fun!

It's Lucy's Birthday, and All She is Getting is Hot

Oh, the lazy blogger.  One can never build an audience when they are too lazy to write anything.  But, alas, here I am. 

Oh, what a week.  I have spent all week on farm duty.  Well, chicken, duck, ferret, fish duty.  Don't giggle at that even though you can.  If I spelled it a different way, it would have been really funny! 

That was a lot of fun.  Except, man, it was  a lot of work out there in this death fire hot mess of a weather situation we have ourselves in.  Nope, no global warming going on.  A huge snow storm in March and a giant 4 month long drought to follow with temperatures daily of 107 degrees.  Nope, weather isn't changing for the worst.

Anyway, it was fun.  Lots of sweating, I must say.  And who knew I could wrangle a chicken like I can.  They think they are quick.  But not for this fat yet spry old Austinite!  It was pretty fun.  Even when that roach crawled up my leg when I picked up the water feeder thing.  Even though I screamed a bit, it made me feel more like a man!  And that is just what ever woman needs to feel like...a man.


I went to a couple of Jody shows.  One at Uncle Billy's Brew and Que.  So not my type of place.  It was like a mall of restaurants.  It was a huge monstrosity that can't possibly make the people who pay millions for their lake homes happy.  Good band, of course.  But, just not my cup of tea or brew.  And, it was all outside.  Now, I am not sure about any of you, but sitting outside in 106 (which it was that day) heat just ain't for me (or any of the fatties on the Earth).  But, I got a good view of a hot drummer in front of pretty empty Lake Travis.  So, there was that!

Then we went on to show number 2 of the night at Poodie's Hilltop Bar and Grill.  Different band, this time.  But, still the same drummer - mine!  Anyway, I love me some Poodie's.  It is the most comfortable, redneck, small, dark, awesome bar of all times.  Well, maybe not of all times.  But, it's pretty cool.

Also playing was James Hand. He's awesome.  He's like a movie character, but I can't think of the movie.  He's kinda like a drunk, funny Don Knotts but not as dingy and far more depressed.  Pretty awesome in my book.  I think I shall try to make it back out to see him.  Though, Poodie's is way the fuck out there.  Man, it was far!  But, I'd go back anytime!

All in all, that and work have kept me busy.  Oh, and Project Runway.  My reason for living is finally back on!  Hurray!  This season is going to be awesome!

Oh, and Happy Birthday, Lucy.  I love you.  So do many.  Thanks for being the funny lady that probably inspired a lot of my personality. I  appreciate it!  

Later

Arry Pooootttter!

I loved Harry Potter.  It made me cry.  I was so sad that it was the end.  Of course, this is America.  Things do not end here.  We run them into the ground until every single last cent can be squeezed out of it.  So, I suspect we will get a whole lot more Harry Potter at some point.  And, Yay!  Maybe.  Wait, those Star Wars things went so badly.  Nevermind.  Non-Yay!

All Alone in My Nerdness

Sometimes a Saturday night at home alone is all a girls needs to clear her head.

My Guy is Red Hot

Most fun ever!

Sometimes You Just Gotta Be a Little Kid inTexas

This dang song is in my head.  I kinda like it.  It's not my favorite song in all the world.  And, no one would ever accuse me of being a country fan.  But, it reminds me of my dad, so I don't mind it so much.  I guess, too, it is a little burned into my upbringing since I was raised in Gilley's loving era of Houston.  So, I can't be to blame (however, Mandy can).  

Anyway, it's a bit dorky.  But, I can remember riding around in my dad's truck at the lake where my granddad lived.  I would be sitting in the middle with this playing on the 8-track.  Not such a bad memory if you ask me.  So, I present to you the song that is going through my head!

Somtimes Killer Children Makes Your Night Complete

I got to see Bloody Birthday yesterday on the big screen.  It was awesome.  Sure, the movie is dorky as shit.  But, I love it.  I have always loved it.  I saw it many, many years ago. I am guessing I probably saw it around the time it came out.  I love that my mother let me watch whatever I wanted.  It probably had something to do with my sister being 6 years older than me and letting me hang out with her and her friends at slumber parties (which was pretty cool of her, if you ask ask me). 

Anyway, seeing at the theater was so awesome.  And for only $1.  Man, I love Alamo. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrCZRblvmy8

Jumpin Jack Flash has Some Gas, Gas, Gas

So, I'm sitting in my office (actually cubicle) all alone.  Not a soul in here but me.  I have headphones on because I am super jamming out to The Shins (please forgive me, Jody).  Well, not necessarily jamming as it is hard to jam to The Shins.  Anyway, it's just me in  my headphones.

A minute ago, a sudden smell wafted across my nose.  It was fart smell.  It was.  No doubt.  Big old fart smell.  And, I didn't do it! 

Do you know how creepy it is to suddenly smell a big fart when no one is in the building.  Really, me and like two people two floors away.  Do we have ghosts that poot?  It's a new building.  We can't have ghosts.  And before this building was just an airport runway.  No respectful ghost will haunt a runway where no airplane crashes happened.

So, now I am all weirded out.  I guess security might have come in and done it.  But, that doesn't seem like something they would do.  And they would have hollered until I heard them.  Unless that tried to holler, tooted instead, and ran away.  Or maybe they saw a ghost of runways part, and that scared an air biscuit out of their booty. 

I have no idea.  It was creepy thought.  Rogue farts are coming to get me.  I am not sure that is okay with me.

If I never write in this again, it is because I was ax (or is it axe?  And why are their two spellings of it?  I may have to look this up.) murdered by crazy lunatic murder with gas.  Just my luck.  The last thing I smell is a fart.

It Done Rained This One Time

It's mother fucking raining, Bitches!  Yeah, I said it.  I said it just like that.  Like a big smack in the mouth.  You have no idea how awesome it is that it is raining.  Today was going to be day 32 without it.  And today is going to be 16 days in a row over 100 degrees.  You know what that means?  It means suck.  It means super sucky drippy penis suck.  Yes, that bad.  If you don't get it, you obviously haven't ever lived in this part of Texas.  Oh, rain!  Yehaw!  And, I got to witness the coolest storm from my office.  It has a fab wall of windows and an awesome view.  So, there.  I got to have a really cool couple of hours.

The Channelview Reunion weekend was pretty awesome.  Two things I learned:

1.  I pretty much suck at bowling.  I think I got a 53 and a 80.  Bad for a grown up person who at one time in her teens was in a bowling league. I found that if I just hurl the damn thing, I get a much better score.  I think they may frown on that.  But, I say pooh to the rules!  I take bowling matters into my own hands.  And, dammit, hurling is what I have to do.  So, I hurl.  Ha.  That's kinda funny there.

2.  I don't really remember what number two was going to be.  A list just isn't so much of a list with just one item on it.  That's just a sentence.  And, I wanted a list, dammit.  There was actually something.  However, it must be very unimportant because I can't remember 152 seconds ago.  Sad, isn't it?

So, my list will end.  But, just let me tell you, I had a great time.  I think we should all get back together for a slumber party soon.  I miss my Channelviewians.  I have Shawn here but not my Mandy.  It's amazing how you can know someone for 25 years (for real...since 4th grade), and you can really find a lot to talk about.  Funny, isn't it.  I sure do like that Mandy!  She's loud.  She's goofy.  She loves boobies (at least that's what her bracelet says).  She's is pretty awesome.

Anyway, fun was had!  Super fun was had.  We bowled.  We ate.  We listen to some "Mom Getting Sensual" music whilst eating.  We gabbed.  It was super fun.

Now, off I go into the rainy yonder!  Freak yes!

Hotness in so Many Ways

Oh, the life of a fabulous lady like myself.  It sure is exciting.  I tell you what.  You just don't know what can happen when you live on the edge like I do.  You might find yourself at work.  You might find yourself at HEB.  You might find yourself watching television.  Oh, yes.  You might.

Sure, I haven't done much of anything too exciting.  But, it's too fucking hot.  Too HOT!  Yes, a blog about weather.  It really is called for.  Today it was 103.  Tomorrow it looks to be 104.  Yesterday it was 101.  And, the hits just keep on coming.  It's too hot.  It's too hot to do any danged thing you can think of.  I would love to go hang out outside.  It's not gonna happen.  I can't even do laundry because it is just too hot. I've been wearing the same damn pants for a week because our laundry room is outside and unairconditioned.  I don't care if I smell like an old dog mixed with perfume mixed with Dr. Pepper I spilled all over myself.  It's too hot.  Maybe I will force Jody to do it.  He seems to do nice things like that for me.

On better than death weather news....Mandy is coming to visit this weekend!  Oh dear.  That's all I can say.  Mandy, Shawn, and I will be taking this town by storm.  Or at least as by storm as we can during the reign of Hell right here on Earth.  So, we shall be taking the inside, air conditioned areas of this town by storm.  Oh yes, we will!  Let's see if we can do it up like we used to.  We probably can't.  Well, I can't.  But, I plan on trying.  I really do.  I am sure I will report back with details about this no holds barred weekend.  That is, if I still have arms when we are done.

And for your viewing pleasure....Just be prepared for the fine and sexy dancing.  You loins will probably throb.  Don't say I didn't warn you!

Remember the Alamo!

There are many things about this town o'mine that I love...Maria's Taco Express, Barton Springs, the people, the Alamo Drafthouse, the general awesomeness of the city.  And it is good to know that one of my most favorite things is getting a lot of recognition this week.  Sure, I heard about it the first day.  Then Anderson Cooper heard about it the next.  Then the whole world did.  So, my blog today is just to thank The Alamo Drafthouse for being the most awesome group of movie theaters in all the land!  I am so glad I have been a regular since way back in the day when you were on Colorado.  I try to get to you once a month (or three times as I have this month).  I will never talk, text, or tweet in you.  And, I am glad you will take anyone's ass out who will!  All hail, Alamo!

Who Let the Ducks Outs?

So, guess what I got to do this weekend.  I got to hang out with some of the coolest ducks on Earth.  Yes, I did.  Patty and Selma.  Wanna see 'em?  I don't care if you do or not.  I'm posting pictures!

 

Are these fools adorable or what?  Sure, I don't know which one is Patty and which one is Selma, but does it matter?  Not really.  

You may be wondering what a chicken is doing in there with them.  Well, that's there mama.  That's Henrietta.  We've been friends for some time now.  She is one broody little chicken.  She makes you really get the meaning of Mother Hen.  Anyway, my friend Trav's uncle found some duck eggs.  But, there was no mother or anyone to sit on them. He sent them home with Trav because Henrietta has hatched other chicken's eggs before.  So, she sat on those darned eggs for a long long long long long time.  And, lo and behold, they hatched!  And, oh dear, what cute baby ducks.  (This reminds me of a baby duck hat my sister made me once.  If you know what that refers to, I may love you.  Or you have just clicked that link.)

Anyway, four of the ducks went back to Uncle's house.  But, Patty and Selma got to stay!  And, they are so sweet.  They do this little chirp quack.  Not quite duck quacking, but it's getting there.  They are pretty cool little ladies.  I can't wait for them to get bigger!  Oh, how I love that ghetto farm...dogs, ferrets, chickens, koi, and ducks.  It's like a petting zoo in the greatest possible way!

You know what else I did this weekend?  I went to the movie!  I know that's hard to believe because people don't often go to the movie.  But, I did!  And I took Jody with me.  So, I am going to give you some important information....Go see Bridesmaids.  For real.  Like now.  Somehow watch it immediately.  I am sure there is a pirated copy of it somewhere on the onlines.  So, go find it.  Or just go to the movie and see it.  It's tremendous!  Even funnier than The Hangover: Part II.  It is.  Well, they are very close.  I have a deep respect and love for Kristen Wiig (and I love the double i going on there).  

Also, upon looking her up to get the link, I realized she was on the Joe Shmo Show.  And she so was!  I loved that show.  It was the reality show that was fake (ha, not like that). It was all actors and staged except for one guy who was chosen to be the winner at the get go.  Every other person was an actor.  She was the doctor!  Holy Shit!  I am so excited.  As soon as I read that I remembered it.  Ah, I loved it.  If you can find that online, it was really good.  The Joe Shmo guy was so awesome and nice.  And they all felt like assholes at the end when they had to tell them it wasn't real.  It was kinda sad because they had all become friends.  There was crying and anger, and it was awesome! I am shocked as shit.  And you get to experience it with me!  Hurray!

Okay, so that was the weekend.  Hanging out with ducks, Jody, a couple of friends, movies, out to eat way too much (although the fried pickles at Alamo are the bomb or shiznit or whatever word for super yummy makes me sound the most like a honky cracker-not just a honky or a cracker, but a honky cracker).  All in all not so bad.  If I had written this blog 10 years ago, it would have been way more exciting.  But, this will do for me this time around.  

Later!

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

You ever see something that just takes your breath away?  A beautiful sunset; the Hope Diamond; this...

Ah, yes.  Beauty.  I have been staring at his rear for quite some time now.  I mean, it is so round.  Sort of bulbous, isn't it?  And his shoes goes so well with the outfit.  I feel this is probably some sort of team building exercises.  Now, we just have to figure out where he works.

So, life this week.  Life this week.  Life this week!  You know, life this week has been fairly boring.  I have had the song "Alone" by Heart in my head for two days now.  It has become mind numbing almost.  Luckily, I like the song.  Not really in a good song kind of a way-in that ironic, it sucks, but is funny in an 80's kind of way like.  So, there's that. 

I ate at Kerby Lane this morning for breakfast after work.  I love Kerby Lane.  I've only been to the one on Guadalupe even though there are a number of others.  But, in all the 15 years I've been around this town, I have only eaten at that one.  But, I had a yummy breakfast with a lovely man.  He's good breakfast company.

I should probably have some sort of life before I decide to blog, shouldn't I?

Oh, I saw The Hangover: Part II.  It's so damn funny!  It's almost equally as funny as the first.  That's hard to top, especially now when we all know to expect the worst (or most awesome!)  I highly recommend it.  Like super a lot.  Super duper a lot!  I think if Jody was ever to run away with some crazy fat lady (that wasn't me), I would set my sites on Zack Galifianakis.  Well, him or Jason Momoa.  They are both up there on my list. 

I got a bunch of free junk.  Magazines, shampoos, conditioners, heart burn medication, lotion.  I got a new magazine-Popular Mechanics.  I am very excited to read it!  Not really.  I am not very popular or mechanical.  But, you can never have too much bathroom/coffee table reading.  Actually, yes you can.  Ask my recycling bin. I am probably a horrible tree hugger for getting so many magazines.  But, I love it.  And they are free.  And, I don't know what strange list I am on, so I can't stop them anyway. 

So, uneventful week. Brilliantly uneventful.  I wonder what snazzy things will fall into my lap this weekend?  Maybe some sort of adventure.  I doubt it.  But, one never knows.

Okay, off to bore others with my no life stories.  Only this time, I shall tell them in person!  Hurray!

My World Got a Tad Bit Greater Today

For you Easter Candy Roller Skating enjoyment, I present....

Peeps Xanadu

In two parts

 

That's right.  One of the greatest movies ever made done using happy Easter Peeps.  I hated Peeps until today. Now I have a whole new respect.  

Happy Veteran's Day.  Thanks, Dad, for that whole going and fighting in a war thing.  You are an super dad who may be the only person in the world who didn't make their Vietnam experience seem like the worst thing that ever happened to him, even though I am sure it is right up there.  I guess you are the one who taught me how to look at a crappy situation and make it funny.  I appreciate all you do!  I love you!

Now, go make a veteran watch Xanadu (my dad took us to see it when it came out).  It will make them feel good!  Just look what it did for Gene Kelly.

Even I Want to Vacation in Austin!

You know what I highly recommend? You know what I highly recommend after all kinds of poop like things make your life all pooplike?  A staycation!

So, Jody and I decided we needed a little bit of a night out.  And not just a night on the town, we needed a night out.  Out of our house, out of our bed, away from those heathens we call dogs, a night away.  So, we took ourselves over to the Hyatt Lady Bird Lake for a fancy 4 star night in a fancy 4 star hotel room.  Oh my lord!  It was awesome!

 Here's our view during the day!

Here's our view at night through the amazing lens of a BlackBerry camera! Run out and get one now before the rush for happens for this fab technology!

I am not sure if you have ever stayed on the 14th floor of a hotel that overlooks Lady Bird Lake (Town Lake) and downtown.  It's awesome.  It's pretty cool to lay in a cush ass bed and stare down Colorado.  The view was just awesome.  It really was.  We got to watch people do all kinds of boat things on the water.  We got to watch all kinds of nightlife action.  It was freaking nice!  

One of the greatest things was that they didn't magnetize our room key cards, so when we went to get it done, they gave us free drink vouchers for the bar!  Free drinks!  Of course, we went on to buy more (because what self respecting person doesn't get all drunk when you don't have to leave the building to sleep?).  I love to get fancy girl drinks.  It's really a lot of fun.  I found my love of girl drinks at Sullivan's Ring Side Happy Hour many moons ago with their $5 martinis (not regular martinis.  I hate those.).  Well, they make a damn fine fruity, girly, dork drink at Mark 10.  A bit pricey.  But, you know how it doesn't really matter if it has raspberries it!

Anyway, it was great.  And sitting on the bed and eating P. Terry's whilst watching what happens downtown at 11pm is pretty awesome.  I recommend it to anyone.  Staycations rule!  Especially if you need to run home for something you forgot.  We didn't, but I mean, we live 11 minutes away.  So, what would it matter!  Oh, it was nice!

Oh, and I got to take a bath!  A long, hot bath!  I haven't taken a bath in almost a year.  You have no idea how great it was.  Just so you know, though, I have bathed.  In fact, I think I bathed that morning.  We just don't have a bathtub.  We only have a shower.  You have no idea how much you miss baths until you don't have a bathtub.  My books and magazines have been very left out this year.  Ah, but I got me one of them thar baths.  It was magnificent!

After that, I had a pretty busy week that I attended on no such sleep.  But, I got to hang out with some awesome friends. I won Chickenfoot!  I love games.  And I love to win them!  I had a great lunch with a wonderful friend at The Ginger Man. Who knew, but they have good food.  Barish food, but it was good.  Watched a really good but sad movie that I recommend.  Then got all rested to come to work!  Hurray!  Ah, the life, isn't it?  Not really.  But, I sure can make it sound that way if I write it well enough. 

I realize that I am getting behind on telling you about all the fantastic free things that I have been getting.  Well, I kinda got bored with that.  If you really want me to tell you, I will.  I did get a really awesome thing that I will tell you about.  I got a sleeve to make grilled cheese sandwiches in the toaster!  It's so cool.  Sure, I haven't used it yet.  I mean, I didn't go to the grocery store until day before yesterday.  Actually, I went at about 3:30 on Thursday morning.  So, I don't really know how you would classify that.  So, we haven't had any cheese or bread.  Or anything for that matter.  Yay, for Taco Cabana and other such bad places I shouldn't eat at.  Anyway, I haven't used it.  But, I am going to try it when I get home.  I will let you know how that goes.  If you never hear from me again, it didn't go so well.  I might have started my house on fire or some such thing that is completely possible when dealing with me and electric things and heat and grilled cheese bags!  So, we'll see. 

All in all I have had a fairly productive week.  It has been a fun, relaxing, and tiring one.  But, fun.  And, did I say I beat 3 whole people at Chickenfoot?  I like to rub that in.  I'm a very bad winner!  You should see me lose!  

Anyway, great weekend to all. Yippee!!

How's About a Nice Cup of Good Weekend

Well, hello, Party People.  It has been one week since you looked at me.  Okay, it hasn't.  That is that stupid Barenaked Ladies' song.  And, now it's in my head.  Thanks, anyone who might possibly read this.  You got that song stuck in my head! I don't particularly care for that song.  Well, except for that Chickety China part.  That's catchy.

I've been a busy girl since I went away.  Well, since I was on the computer.  I can't wait to get mine back from the Toshiba Depot (how corny is that name).  They are fixing it up all nice and neat.  Or they are fixing the Ethernet port because it has a short in it.  That's not bad if you have wireless, but, of course, I don't.  I'm cheap like that.  I refuse to pay $20 more a month for the privilege of sitting exactly where I would sit with my laptop if it were plugged in.  I'm all Scrooge sounding, huh?  Well, I sure wish I wasn't because I got no Internet at home.  And that sucks.  Too bad I can't crack any of my neighbor's WiFi passwords.  I've tried.  Oh, yes, I've tried.  No luck, though.  So, I just gotta wait. Damn you, Modern Technology!

I had a fun weekend.  Jody's sister Renee and his nephew Justin came to town.  We did the usual Austin type stuff.  Got a Mighty Cone from one of the many Trailer Park Food Courts here.  Then off to Gourdough's.  Oh, Gourdough's.  The made to order giant, deliciousness that is the Gordough's Donut! They are sooooooo gooooood.  And I mean that with that many o's.  Jody and I split a Funky Monkey.  Do you know how good grilled bananas, melted cream cheese icing, and brown sugar are?  Especially when they are all hot and gooey on a freshly fried giant donut!  Just take a look...

And, it's big, too.  So big that my giant ass can't eat a whole one by myself.  And, I can eat. Just check out a picture.  You don't get my rear end by turning away donuts!  Oh, so good.  And, I am pretty sure that Renee and Justin liked them, too.

That night we scurried over to the Alamo Village to Thor 3-D.  Now, I am going to state right here and now that I DO NOT like comic book movies.  I am just not a fan.  Blame it on me having a vagina or a graduate degree in writing or the fact that I have taste (that's just me being sassy) or whatever, but I don't like them.  So, I was not particularly interested in seeing Thor ever.  But, it was playing.  And Renee had never seen a 3-D movie before.  So, I didn't bitch too much.  I just went along with it. 

I can honestly say that the movie was kinda bunk.  I didn't really care for it at all.  It wasn't the worst of the comic book or super hero movies I have seen.  It wasn't.  But, it wasn't good.  Definitely not a thinking person's movie.  Not one with a love of detail or originality or any of those types of things.  If you want to know what kind of movies I like.  Boogie Nights is my favorite followed by Shawshank Redemption, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, The Big Lebowski, and Wild at Heart.  Those are followed by the likes of Urban Cowboy, Xanadu, Happy Texas, Where the Heart Is, and Dirty Dancing. See, I am only a partial movie snob.  I like crap just as much as the next guy.  But, ugh with the super hero/comic book movies.  No thanks.

There was one redeeming quality of this movie.  That would be Chris Hemsworth.  Just so you know, here is what he looks like:

Yeah, that's him.  And he is incredible!  Oh my lord.  Especially this scene in which he wears his jeans ala Brad Pitt in Fight Club.  And seeing that in 3-D was kinda worth it.  Not totally worth it (as I did stare at the wall for a good 22 minutes of the movie).  But, if you are forced to go, it is a nice view.  The story is lame.  There where probably only about 121 words used in the script.  It's predictable, long, and just the beginning of a never ending series of Thor (and The Avenger) movies.  So, I can't recommend it at all.  But, if you gotta go, you get a good view.  Oh, and you get to see Natalie Portman pretend to be a brilliant physicist!  Ha.  Yeah, I know.  Stop laughing.  You know she did it because she wanted that Black Swan role.  I am assuming this is a contract movie.  But, alas, there is one pretty man to look at while you watch a really overly simple movie. 

Speaking of which (or not really) the Alamo has the best damn fried pickles ever!  Eat them.  They are good!

That was the weekend.  I had a lot of fun with the not so in-laws.  They're a fun bunch.  And, I had never met Justin, so that was cool.  And, I got to hear some cute and funny Jody stories that he hasn't told me.  I love that he has a big sister who was old enough to remember things and give me the lowdown on all things teenage Jody.  Oh, I bet he was such a smart mouth.  I would have loved him!

So, that be that.  And ain't nothing else going on.  Hope you all are having a super fine life this week.  Be careful not to stub your toes!

Dedicated to the First Official "Rap" Song

So, this may make me a sicko, but I find this video to be tremendously funny.  It might be a good thing that I don't have children.  I think even if I did, it would be hilarious!

Now that you know I am a freakazoid, I will say that I not much be happening in the world o' Laura.  Jody's sister and nephew are in town tonight.  I am not with them, though, because I am at work.  So, they are off having a time.  And I am here having no time of any kind.  Oh well.  I will see them in the morning when I get off.  Not that kind of getting off, as I don't work at that kind of a place. Ba-Da-Ching!  Anyway, I hope they are off having a good time.  I shall bring them breakfast tacos in the morning in hopes of winning over the love of my maybe one day in-laws.

Oh, I keep forgetting that the end of the world is supposed to happen this weekend.  I can't wait!  I hope it happens, as I don't much feel like paying  my bills, going to work, or washing another dish for the rest of my life.  Sure, the world would be gone, over, finito!  But, what the hell do I care.  I am dead like the rest of them.  Wouldn't it be super awesome if it actually happened.  It's not going to, of course.  And it won't in 2012.  The world will end, the day I die.  At least it will to me.  But, I am guessing this weekend isn't going to be the big event.  Well, unless some odd ball religious group buying billboards and ad space around the country makes "God" fall in line!  I am sure "He," like the rest of us falls prey to the PR and Marketing that is the modern American way of life. I am betting, though, he doesn't.  If he did, he would already have his own reality show.  Then he would have gone on to Dancing with the Stars.  So, I take it we are all safe this weekend. I think I will make Jody take me on an end of the world date.  What does one do when the end of the world is happening?

Not too much else going on in the mad world of an aging dingbat.  I got my self some free stuff!  I got a large sample of Brez.  Apparently, it is the natural solution to stopping snoring.  Of course, I won't need them, as I only have a couple of days left to snore.  But, I got them.

I got a copy of Watch magazine.  It's not a very good magazine.  It seems all advertise-y to me.  And Magnum P.I. is on the cover.  Sure, he has a show on right now.  But, really?  Magnum P.I.?  He does have a hot 'stache.  Awarding winning, it is.  (That was my Yoda) Upon looking it up, it is put out by CBS. That's why! 

I got some free pantyliners.  I don't know who made them.  I swear, if you are a girl, you can actually never buy lady products again.  You can get them for free on the Internet all the time.  Sure, sometimes you have to sign up for things that are obviously meant for a 13 year old girl.  But, alas, I am a 35 year old who still falls off the roof.  So, I will sign up for your site.  I sure will.  You know why?  Cause tampons ain't cheap!

Well, that is it for me for the day.  I may or may not be writing in here again because it may not at all exist after this weekend.  Let's hope!

I'd Vote Out the Eye of the Tiger

Oh, the night that is tonight.  I made that sound very dramatic, didn't I?  It's not.  In fact, tonight is quite undramatic.  Of course, it was the finale of Survivor, my favorite show of all time!  Yes, I know.  It's Survivor.  Well, I love it.  And, dammit, I was so excited.  I will not speak of all things Survivor because someone else might watch it.  So, I will shut up.  But, let me tell you, I was so excited.  And if ever there was a show I wanted to be on, it is Survivor.  I would need to lose my weight in Boston Robs before I did that.  But, I would love to do it!  Sure, I have never even been camping.  But, alas, who cares.  I wanna be on it!

I would like to thank all my peeps for the glasses information.  There is so many awesome cat-eyed glasses out there.  There is also an amazing site called Zenni Optical (thank you, Aaron) that has all kinds of cute glasses.  I have about 12 pairs in my basket.  Now, I just need to go dig up my prescription.  Or go get a new one.  I do pay for some sort of eye insurance that I have never used.  Smart, right? Pay for something (for 3 years) and never use it.  Gosh, I am an idiot.  I think I should probably use it.   But, there are so many cute glasses.  I will be so stylish, I won't know what to do!  Or at least stylish in my eyes (no pun intended).  I am probably one of the most unstylish people in the free world (or the unfree world, for that matter).  But, I don't care.  I think I look cute.  I am most likely wrong.  Anyway, thank you, Wonderful People of Readerdom, for the help!

Well, I didn't get any free things yesterday because it was gosh darn Sunday.  Nothing against Sunday, but they don't deliver the mail that day.  Damn you, United States Postal Service!  How dare you not give me my mail!  Sure, you do need a day off.  And, of course, we need not spend that much of the tax payer's money just to give Laura a free sample pack of cinnamon toothpicks!  So, I will forgive you.  But, know that Monday-oh, yes, Monday-I will be looking for some fancy little do-dads in the mail!  (I have no idea if any of that punctuation was correct. I hate to admit that, but I was just going on instinct.  I think those instincts might have been wrong.  I am going for it, though.  I pains me to leave it and not look it up.  I am such a freak.  I have to also stop with these parenthetical expressions.)

Okay, enough of me for the day.  I have to get.  And I have to tinkle! I guess I should end this.  You know, I talk a whole lot about human waste in this blog without ever actually meaning to do so.  Next blog....wait for it....Vomit, Spit, and all Things Menstrual!

Don't Call Me the Wolfpack, I've Been Here for Years

What up, Party People?  As you can tell from my exciting opening there, I am having a super, awesome, fun-filled Saturday night!  Oh, wait, I'm not.  I'm at work.  Yes!  WORK!  YAHOO!  Okay, really, unless you can't read sarcasm at all, you know this is not the most thrilling thing on Earth.  It's not unthrilling. Wait, yes it is.

One thrilling thing that is going on is that I found a new awesome show!  Happy Endings! It is so funny.  Like super funny. It stars the girl that got fired from SNL for being too fat (who isn't too fat).  You know the funny one.  The one that was fat. Casey Wilson. The entire cast is pretty funny, though.  I highly recommend it (especially episode 7 if you live in a major city)! It's awesome to put on a show, love it, and then watch the entire season.  So, watch it if you are bored and haven't.  They are all on ABC.com.  Or Project Free TV.  Go watch it!  Of course, I also love Swamp People.  So, take my advice for what it is worth.  Oh, and there are no actual "happy endings" on the show.  For that, you have to go to the Megaplexxx or the "massage" place down the street.

I need a new pair of glasses.  I wish I could find a pair of really awesome, rhinestone covered cat-eye glasses.  I really want a pair.  Like super bad.

Aren't they cute?  I think I would look fabulous in them.  Of course, I have no idea if I actually would.  Would this face look okay in these glasses?  Add a tad more double chin because I look almost halfway un-double chinned in this photo.  Wait, add more triple chin. 

Just so you all know, I just sneezed 9 times in a row.  Super cool.

Anyway, I am all about getting some new glasses.  What do you thing?  Where do you even buy them?  And where do you buy them for cheap?  I live in one of the "coolest" (yes, people say that) cities in the country.  And, I can't even find them. But, I still want them.  Don't you think it would be awesome to have some!  My mom had some way back in the day.  Too bad she didn't keep them. Our eyes are about the same in horrible blindness, so I could just borrow them!

Okay, that was a wasted paragraph.  Ugh, I can type the most boring things.  This is why my fan base is 3.  And of those 3, I am one and Jody is the other.  (and the 3rd is D.G.  who I miss and wish she had a blog or facebook or something!  Do you know how much you would love the facebook games I play?  Haha).

So, before I go, I shall throw out my freebies of the last couple of days.  I am going with this segment even though it is kinda stupid.  But, I still love free stuff!  So, here they are:

A pack of Breath Right Strips - I guess I can use these when I sleep.  I can breath pretty much all the sleeping time.  And, I am not too much of a snorer.  Maybe I will slap one on Jody.  That man can snore!  It's cute.  So, I probably won't.  However, with this sneezing theme I got going on, maybe I will be stopped up and try one!

My weekly Entertainment Weekly - (just so you know, I am tired of adding links for the night.  So, the rest will be linkless.) It's got The Hangover II on the cover. I can't wait.  Part I was damn funny.  In fact, it might be the funniest movie I have ever seen.  And I like funny.  I have incredibly high standards for comedies.  That one really might top it.  Of course, I watched and loved Cabin Boy last night.  So, I might not have as great a taste as I think.

Maxim Magazine - Hey, it was free.  It isn't the best magazine.  But, it is good toilet reading (for when I take all the laxatives and fiber I get for free.).  What can I say.  And it's got some funny articles.  There is also always one really in depth article.  Also, girls in undies.  Sure, they  mostly look exactly the same, but it beats looking at decapitated heads or something.

Playboy Magazine - Oh, yes. Playboy.  For when you want straight up boobies.  The cover this week is Mick Jagger's kid.  She is surprisingly weird faced.  But, she has a nice set of cans.  I think I may be coming across as lesbiany, but again, boobs are better than decapitated heads.  Well, unless you are Jeffrey Dahmer or something.  Then you would go with the decapitated heads.  Anyway, it's free.  It's got funny jokes.  A lot of articles.  Some are even a little too well written for me.  Lord, I don't know that I need all this education and research when I am looking at someone's bleach blonde landing strip.  Just so you know, there are two!  Count them Two! centerfolds this month.  And, one of them was born in 1991!  When I was in the 9th grade.  Oh lord, I am old!

Enough of my and my randomness.  I hope all have a good day! Or night!  Or afternoon!  Or not.  I won't know.  Well, unless you tell me.  You can tell me. I  would be fine with that!

Later!

Here I Am... Rocking You Like a Hurrican

Dearest Readers of the Annoying One (that's me),

The time has come for me to announce one thing.  My week is getting worse!  For real.  I am now losing my voice.  I gotta talk a whole lot a certain periods of time at work (or in about an hour), and it is going.  I sounded like Peter Brady when I got here.  Well, maybe Peter Brady mixed with Kathleen Turner.  However, now I am just sound like an annoyance.  You know when someone loses their voice, but they keep talking?  And it's kinda squeaky yet skipping?  Well, that's me.  And, boy, does it suck!  You people have no idea how much I like to talk!  It's a lot.  A whole danged lot!  Well, if you can tell by the way and amount I write that I love to hear myself, then you get how much I like to talk.  Besides, I'm a woman. You know how we are.

So, other than that, nothing fancy happened since last I wrote.  I didn't write anything about my free stuff over the last couple of days, so I will fill you in on what I got...

A sample of FiberChoice - Apparently, the world of free samples really wants me to poop (see previous posts).

A sample pack of Salonpas Pain Relief patches - This came at a great time, as Jody has pulled a muscle in his back.  I am not sure they really helped, but I pretended they did.

My weekly copy of Entertainment Weekly with hot Johnny Depp on the cover.  Of course, it is for Pirates of the Caribbean 99923049809801293092.  I didn't care for even the first one (and I love me some Depp. Deeply for the Depp.) But, it's still one of the better magazines out there. 

A sample of Hugo Boss Boss Orange - Oh, it smells so good.  I love perfume samples because I am either too cheap or too poor (too poor) to buy actual good perfume.  So, I can smell fancy for free!

My first copy of Country Life Magazine (click that, and you too can get the Country Life!! I know you are thrilled.)  This month's tells us all about the top 10 small tractor accessories or something like that.  Now, I am sure you are wondering what a girl who lives in a hood type area of a major US city would need with Country Life Magazine.  Well, nothing. But, it was free, so I couldn't pass it up.  I have issues (no pun intended) with free things.  I must have them! Even if they are stupid. I still want them.  I mean, I have never taken a laxative in my life, but I sure do have a lot of free samples of it laying around. 

I can't think of anything else.  I am betting there is something else.  I will go home and see it in the mail pile on the coffee table and let you know later.  I don't know why I let you know these things.  I wouldn't give a rat's ass about them.  Wait, yes I would!  I think this is part of my hoarder tendencies.  Thank goodness for the show Hoarders, or I might be in really bad shape!

Okay, the speechless wonder is off.  Gotta do my job.  Or at least pretend to the best of my abilities to do my job! 

Yahoo!

The Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak

In the fine tradition of Laura has the shittiest luck on all the Earth, you guessed it, more suck has happened.  Nothing horrible.  But, a big ass annoyance.  It is one of two things.  One sucks more than the other.  Either my network cable shorted out or the plug on my laptop (which is NEW!  Well, not new new, but like 4 months old new.  So, pretty damn new!) where the network cable goes went out.  Jody found another cable, but it didn't work when plugged in.  So, we are thinking it is the plug.

I did order another network cable.  It will get to us on Wednesday (or so it says).  I ordered it from Circuit City.  I thought they went out of business.  Well, apparently, they didn't.  They just went 1/2 the price of Best Buy.  And since we still have no license plates on the truck (whoopie!), I am having it delivered. So, we shall see.

The good thing is that the computer is still under warranty. And, I think I got some sort of  Geek Squad warranty because I ordered it from the old Best Buy.  I hope it is the danged old cord, though.  That would be such an easier fix. 

But, all is not bad.  I had an excellent time at the Cinco de Pie-O party.  I think I ate about 2394802 pieces of different types of pie.  It was awesome. I  am still full from it.  Wait, that's a lie.  I'm not.  I am full from nothing.  I ate a Lean Cuisine meal earlier, but that doesn't really fill one up.  But, the party was a great time.  I ate, beat the hell out of a pinata, and got to hang out some some super fun people. This is just a sampling (I stole Katie's photo, as I am the only person of my generation who doesn't take a million pictures of everything.  I used to be...look at earlier blogs.  But, I stopped because I am just to lazy to move my arms that much.):

And this doesn't even begin to cover it.  Add pizzas made on a grill!!!, another pot pie, a mac and cheese pie with a bacon crust, and about 16 other desert pies and cobblers and cheesecake (it was sooooo goooood).  You know, what?  I should show you more pies!

It was pretty good, if I do say so myself.  And, thank you to all my friends who take pictures with cool iPhone effects.  My BlackBerry can only do so much.  Poor, lowly BlackBerry.  Pies, though!  Pies!

So, that's about enough out of me for one sitting.  Pies and misery.  Ah, who can ask for anything more?  Me, that's who!

Ugh!