Midnight Girl in a Sunset App

I live in cool town. I do. We all know it. It's hipsters galore. It's young money galore. It's old trying to be young galore. It's health and fitness and beauty galore. It's Austin. Everyone has heard of it. Everyone knows where it is. Everyone has been here for a weekend at Barton Springs and 6th Street. If you haven't, you want to visit.

In the 16 years (Lord, I'm getting old!) I have lived here (except that year in San Francisco), I have learned that I will never be the coolest in cool town. It's okay. I never expected to be. Sure, I am on the East Side and have a couple of weird dogs and wear my Converse to every occasion and grocery shop with my iPod and watch movies exclusively at the Alamo and write books and and eat too often from trailers and prefer the East 6th bars to the West 6th bars and recycle everything and eat tacos for every meal and have a nose ring still and wear ponytails and edit a magazine and love Wes Anderson and go on picnics and listen to weird music and got a graduate degree in an almost completely useless subject and strum a ukelele and am marrying a professional musician who plays in all kinds of bands. But, I am most certainly not cool. And, I am fine with it. I don't want to be the coolest person in cool town. Hell, I don't want to be the 73822 coolest person in cool town. Too much pressure. I couldn't handle it.

One good things is that I am not so uncool as to not fit in. I fit in just fine. I'm at least enough of a weirdo for that. I mean, in 16 years this town has not chewed me up and spit me out as it has so many.
                 

I have, however, found something that makes me feel like the ladies to the right (and no not like an amazing female writer from SNL)  Yep, I do. I feel like Mom Jeans. And do you know why? It's that damn Instagr.am app for the iPhone. Wow. Nothing in the world makes me feel like a front butt like the Instagram. It's tragic almost how old coot you feel when scrolling through people's pictures. Yes, Instagram makes you feel all Mom Jeans.




Let's see this is action, so you will understand what I mean.

Here are a few of the pictures I have taken and filtered through Instagram (I am not using the period because it makes me feel douchey). 

See.  This is how cool I get.  I have Trav over there to the left at a party with pinata legs.  And to the right I have part of my desk at work which features Schrute (who could really do my job well).  There are some filters on them to make you think I'm rad.  But, they don't make you think that.

Over there to the left is my self portrait.  Yes, I have done that. And, you have, too!  Then to my right we have a picture of a giant lunch suitcase in the break room fridge at work.  That really was the biggest lunch kit I have ever seen.  But, I digress.  You see that I have framed them and tried to make them cool.

Did I succeed?  Not really.  Let's see if others have.

 

 

The party picture to the left seems a lot more "interesting" and artsier than poor Trav up there who is actually interesting and artsy.  Just not when I take the picture.  And, there is no Schrute to the left, but there is a focused/unfocused artsy fartsy Apple/Mac covered desk.  

 

The self portrait to the left here doesn't have me in it, so by definition it is cooler than mine.  But, the mustache in the back takes this one to realms for which I can't even pretend to go.  And, the fridge to the right?  Well, their fridge has eyes on it's stuff.  There is no suitcase in it at all.  And, their filters seem to actually work to enhance them!  

Honestly, many times I am scrolling through I am just saying to my self out loud (because I do that), "Douche.  Douche.  Douche.  Cute.  Douche.  Jeez, you really love yourself.  Awesome.  Oh, I want to do that.  Douche.  That is such a pretty lake.  Douche.  Why don't I look like that in a bathing suit.  Douche.  Douche.  Wow, this girl really thinks she's cool.  Sweet baby.  Douche."  That's usually how it goes.  But, for some reason, I still feel unhip.  

Maybe I'm not ironic enough for Instagram.  I'm just not that hipstamatic.  Maybe it's my double chin that does it.   Or my ratty hair.  Maybe it's that I find it funny that there is a suitcase in my break room fridge and not eyeballs on my mayo.  Could it be that I am completely uncomfortable pretending I am a model doing a photo shoot because really I am just in my backyard and my friend is hold up a phone?  Or is it that I am try my hardest not to be a doucher (yes, a doucher)?  I have no idea.  All I know is that Instagram makes me feel like a grandma who's asking her 20 year old grandkid about how much they are enjoying their Pong game in 2012.  But, I guess I am okay with that because I will still take terrible pictures with unironically-not-working-with-the-subject-or-background filters on them.  So, just call me Mom Jeans because I probably won't even realize you are making fun of me.

(And, just so you know, I use the word fridge because for the life of me I have never been able to spell refridgerator correctly.  I didn't do it back there, either.  I am leaving it, so you can see that I really can't spell that stupid word.  I have no idea why.  Refridgorator.  Refridgerater.  How the fuck do you spell that!?!?  Oh, I checked. No D.  Refrigerator.  Yep, there it is.  I still won't ever be able to spell it right.)

(Parenthetical Expression 2 -sort of like a PS, but not- why is the top half of this centered?  And why can't I make it not be centered?  Wha wha.  Mom Jeans....oh, you!)



 

Stefon is so Hawkeye

I honestly hope one day I get to meet Bill Hader, so I can tell him how good he is at imitating Alan Alda.  It's spot on.  It's as if he is Alan Alda.  I appreciate that for some reason.  That's true talent.  By the way, he's funny as hell in general. But that Alan Alda thing is exceptional!

By the way, pepperoni on pizza is as delicious as every 6 year old thinks it is.

This will malfunction.  Ask the 70s.

Also, why are there no coffee vending machines anymore?  By the time I was old enough to want coffee over a coke (which is rarely), you can't find them anywhere.  And, I don't even think it is that I would want coffee.  I just want to use a coffee vending machine.  I always have.  Who didn't?  As a kid, I thought it was so awesome.  Sure, according to all television and movies of the 60s, 70s, and 80, they never actually worked correctly.  It seems the coffee always poured out before the cup was dispensed.  It also seems they were always in hospitals and newspaper offices.  I work for a rather large family of hospitals, and I have never heard of one existing.  Maybe I should go on a hunt.  That's my new life goal (taking place of my old life goal to read every historical marker in Texas).  If you know of one of these mythical machines, let me know.  I will go to there. 

Hamburger!

So, I have had a bit of a life changing week.  Not changing in a way that makes traffic stop or causes one to stop walking or win an Academy Award or anything.  But, it is changing for me. Let me take you back a bit.

Don't like carrots?  Don't read this book!

In 2004, I read a book to prove to someone that reading this book would not cause me to go vegetarian.  The book is Fast Food Nation.  I in no way thought this book was going to do a dang thing to me.  Well, I was wrong.  Before the book was finished, I was a vegetarian.

Now, I know what you are thinking.  And, no, it isn't about the animals.  I could give a fuck about the animals.  Wait, I take that back.  Some things you see are awful.  But, that wasn't the reason for my sealing  my mouth to the sweet flesh of butchered kind.  It was all about the workers rights.

Now, at the time I was on a HUGE boycotting kick.  I was super political, so boycotting things was right up my alley.  There was the Taco Bell tomato farmer slave brouhaha, so I was boycotting them (which I did until about 2 years ago when little money, a huge amount of laziness making me not want to go to the grocery store, and a hankering for a bean burrito* got the best of me.).  There were others.  Coors (which was easy since beer is yucky), McDonalds (again, that didn't last forever.  It's the fries!  They are so good!).  There were all kinds of them.  All kinds.

Okay, the veggie part came later.

Then on top of all this was an incident with my father who worked for a major chicken operation.  In my opinion, they did him wrong, as well as, all the other people doing his job.  So, that combined with reading Fast Food Nation made me decide that I would boycott the meat industry.

Vegetarian Laura was born! --------------------}

Now, I stayed a strict vegetarian for a couple of years.  On occasion I would eat fish if I really needed something "meaty" to bite into.  I know that sounds weird, but someone might know what I mean.  However, about 5 years ago, I decided to just be a pescetarian.  I mean, do you know how hard it is to find food other than side dishes at restaurants?  And, I eat out a whole lot.  So, it was easier that way.  Then I met Jody the most fabulous cook in all the land.  And, he can do some things with seafood!  So, even though I felt like a fraud, I did eat seafood.  (And, I am a gulf coast girl.  I mean, it's in my blood.  And, there's sushi.)

I'ma eat this sandwich!

Fast forward a bit more, and what do you have?  Me engaged and planning to honeymoon in New Orleans. There are so many places in the area that I wanted to eat at.  Hell, it is a major culinary destination!  There's Creole food and Cajun food (which I know is not a New Orleans thing, but it is there.).  There's Central Grocery muffalettas and the Scotch House fried chicken.  Sure Cafe Du Monde is vegetarian, but I didn't want to spend my honeymoon eating mac and cheese or side salads because all other vegetables are made with bacon and all other salads are covered in some sort of meat thing.

So, I decided to start eating meat again.  And, I have.  It started out with just one meat thing that wasn't even supposed to happen.  But it did.

You see, I was going to start training my body to eat meat again.  If you haven't had meat in a while, it will tear you up.  Just ask my butt after one disastrous meal with chicken broth all up in that bitch.. But, I felt super guilty.  Super guilty.  So, then I decided not to do it.

I gnawed a cow and loved it.

All that was changed with a trip to P. Terry's (which I harbor no ill will towards because they are so freaking good, cheaper than any other fast food,  have one of the better veggie burgers I have ever had, and cheese comes standard!!!)

So, we go to P. Terry's.  I get the veggie burger combo.  It says veggie burger combo on the receipt.  It is wrapped with a sticker that says veggie.  And, it is P. Terry's.  In all these years, I have never had any kind of order mishap.  Why would that happen now?  Well, it did.  As I am munching on my "veggie" burger, I am thinking to myself that it is the best veggie burger I have ever had.  I even say it out loud.  In doing so, I looked down and realize that it is meat!  MEAT!  I am eating a hamburger!  Holy shit.  And, the fucking thing was so good!  So, I finished it.  It was, so good, that I almost wrestled the remainder of Jody's out of his hand to eat that, too.  I didn't.  I'm a decent human being.

Go to Pho Van immediately.  But, I closes at 9.

Anyway, that was a little over a week ago.  And, I have gone all kinds of meat crazy.  I have had some vegetarian meals because there are a lot of things I do actually love.  I won't give up potato, egg, and cheese breakfast tacos.  You can't perfect that.  I still do my spaghetti with no meat because I like it a bit light.  And the #32 from Pho Van (a tofu vermicelli bowl or bun if you are all uppity) is my favorite meal on Earth.  I will never mess with a #32.  Never!

But, good lord, I didn't realize how much I have missed.  I forgot how good chicken was.  Chicken is freaking good.  And steak!  I didn't think I liked it all that much.  I do.  But, the most wonderful thing of all, the thing I didn't know I missed, is a hamburger.  I honestly want to just eat hamburgers from here on out.  Oh lord!

Now, I  must say that I feel a bit guilty, yes.  But, I will get over it.  And, I am not saying I am not going to go back to being a grazer.  But for a bit, I am going to gnaw on some meat.  I mean, it wasn't like my vegetarian lifestyle was keeping me in fighting shape.  I mean, if I was fighting an ox, maybe.  Potato chips, mac and cheese, and all kinds of pizza are vegetarian.  So, you can be big and fat and meat free.  And, a couple of days after the first meat down, I felt more energetic.  I kind think maybe I was missing a vitamin (which I am sure has nothing to do with my healthy lifestyle).

So, we are going with it for a while.  At least through my honeymoon.  Then I might go back or I might not.  I have no idea.  I do feel a bit like a traitor.  To whom or what I do not know.  All I know is that I mentioned pizza above, and I have yet to try pepperoni to remember what it tastes like.  Sounds like a good time for that!  And more hamburgers!

*When Taco Bell (and everyone else in the world) had to get rid of trans fat, it made their beans vegetarian!  Yay! 

And, here's Steve Zissou just because I love him. Well, Bill Murray.  I love them both.

Romance in Sunday School Shoes

I saw Moonrise Kingdom. It's wonderful. Very romantic. I wanted to cry at the end, but I didn't want to be a douche. It made me happy I found Jody.

My Pi Partner is My Enemy!

Mind you, this is just one round of papers that I used.

 So, my birthday is March 14.  That's 3-14 or 3.14 to some.  That's Pi.  Also born that day is mad genius (or mad stealing from his wife's genius) Albert Einstein.  We are intellectually similar because we were born on the same day (and because I made that up and say it is so).  

Last night I was introduced to Einstein's Riddle by a coworker.  How I have never heard of this, I don't know.  But, I have spent a good portion of the night working on it.  I think I know the answer, but I am not completely sure.  It's that damn water drinker part that's throwing me.  So, I am going with a guess.  I'm throwing my answer out as German, but that is mainly because I'm tired trying.  No I'm not.  I am going to take this home and work on it some more.  If nothing, I am compulsive.

So, can you do it?  Go for it.  Work on it.  Help me with this damn thing!  It's driving me nuts.  I am having trouble stopping to play Scrammble with Friends, and that's a sad addiction I have.  That should say something.  Not about the riddle, just about how pathetic I actually am!  

 Einstein's Riddle

---

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S RIDDLE

ARE YOU IN THE TOP 2% OF INTELLIGENT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD? SOLVE THE RIDDLE AND FIND OUT.

There are no tricks, just pure logic, so good luck and don't give up.

1. In a street there are five houses, painted five different colours.
2. In each house lives a person of different nationality
3. These five homeowners each drink a different kind of beverage, smoke different brand of cigar and keep a different pet.

THE QUESTION: WHO OWNS THE FISH?

HINTS

1. The Brit lives in a red house.
2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
3. The Dane drinks tea.
4. The Green house is next to, and on the left of the White house.
5. The owner of the Green house drinks coffee.
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
7. The owner of the Yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The man living in the centre house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
12. The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15. The man who smokes Blends has a neighbour who drinks water.

ALBERT EINSTEIN WROTE THIS RIDDLE EARLY DURING THE 19th CENTURY. HE SAID THAT 98% OF THE WORLD POPULATION WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SOLVE IT.

I Want This Chicken!

Just tell me this is not fantastic. I need it! It's imperative to my life. Someone get me one! I know others have them. The Blogess does. I need one, too. I can't believe it actually exists. And it is six minutes from my house!

Yay

Do this be working? I mean it's an app, donut might not. Wow. Donut, huh? That was supposed to be the word so. But I'm leaving it donut because that just proves this blog is a genius. It knows I want a donut. I mean, who doesn't! 💩🍰.

I've also decided to see if this little emoticon thing works. If it does, yes that says poop cake. If not, it's pictures of poop and cake. It's sort of like a donut.

And there is a picture button! Wonder how that works. Let's try it.

Okay, let's check this bitch out on the actual onlines. Yehaw to it working. Well, if it does. I don't know why, but it excites me.

I Just Noticed I Never Published This

Oh, Blog. How I have neglected you. It isn't as if I haven't been too busy to write. I haven't. Well, I have. But it isn't really busy if you consider it is playing Farmtown on Facebook. I have just been a lazy girl, as of late. But, tonight, tonight I will show you just what I am made of. I will throw out my writing skills like no one else. I will give you, Blog, a Judy Chop, a Ningy Chop, and the most famous of all, the Karate Chop. Blog, I will kick your ass with some Master's Degree in English with a focus in creative writing style writing. And I will let you know that I will not Ningy anyone that don't need Ninjying.

Okay, that being said, I sure have been lazy. The world has been turning around me, and I have not stopped to let all you fabulous people know what has been going on. For the most part, not a damn thing!

The Jodster and I are ready for Christmas! We are doing Christmas at home with ourselves this year. We were going to venture to the Mississippi to hang out with his family, but thanks to a huge pet deposit, a set of tires, and about a trillion other expenses this month, we are rescheduling for next month. So, we are going to hang out with each other.

We got ourselves a baby tree.

Well, I have had it. Jody didn't go picking out the Cinderella on top. But, isn't it just adorable. It's the cutest little tree. So, we shall gather round and open presents. Not too many, but some. I know it may sound greedy, but we got each other gifts instead of other people. That means they will get amazing birthday presents! But, you know, sometimes you just want to have your little presents and fun. That probably does sound pretty shitty. But, my life sucks most of the time. So, sometimes getting a present peps you up a little!

Anyway, we have plans, of course. I will be working at some point. But, we are going to have a great Christmas Even Mexican Fiesta with our friends David and Steve. Then the day after Christmas, Jody's oldest friend will be coming to spend a couple of days. So, even though we aren't going to be familying it up. We are going to have fun! I must say that I will miss the annual Ferguson Family Pictionary Tournament. Of course, I was going to miss it anyway since we were heading up to the Mississippi. But, I will just be more ready for it next year!

What else is going on in the good world of this poor, yet humble Austinite? Not too much. For real. How sad. I have been working and hanging out. You know, the normal. I had a great dinner over at a friend's house the other night. You can never beat homemade veggie lasagna and mucho glasses of wine. Wrapped presents with David and Steve the other day. Made out with Jody the other night for like an hour. He is so fun to make out with! Been to work about a trillion times since last I wrote which may be a month ago now!

Oh, Kate and Paul left! They have moved on. That sucks. Baltimore. They moved to Baltimore where Ryan and Emily also moved. I think the whole lot of us may end up there. Then I saw that snow storm on the news, and I decided that would be a bad idea!

But, I can't believe it. Here someone in our group finally decides to go and have a kiddo, and we aren't even going to be around to see her! Dang! That just means we will have to visit. But, it is so sad that they left. But, being a professor and a researcher at prestigious universities is probably a damn good reason to move. Of course, they might have stuck it out here just for our Thursday night hang out. But, alas, the did not. Career and all that, I guess!

I shall miss them, though. Never two more worthy Catan opponents have I beaten!

I've Got a Full Magazine

It's amazing how one blog can get so behind when you fail to write in it on a regular basis.  I think there must be some sort of gene missing in my DNA that reminds me to do this.  Of course, it could be because no one is reading it.  Also, it could be because my ego isn't incredibly large.  I don't know what.  But, I am always forgetting about this goony blog.

So nothing fancy today.  I have been busy, as I am now the Editor-in-Chief of InFluential Magazine.  Yes sirree Bob, I am a fancy editor now instead of just a lowly assistant editor.  Now, that being said, don't go looking for grammatical errors.  You will find them, I am sure.  I never reread this.  Hopefully, though, there aren't too many!  Funny thing is, there is one on my page about me.  Yep.  I need to get that changed.  It kinda makes us all look like a bunch of goons.

This isn't my pile.  My pile is far superior.

So, now that I am on the subject of magazines, I realized the other day that I get a lot of magazines.  Seems some years ago (about 10 from what I can remember) I was added to some sort of odd magazine list.  This magazine list addition entitled me to free magazine subscriptions.  Many magazine subscriptions.  And, let me tell you, I get a lot. .

It's sort of a blessing and a curse.  I love them. I love having them. I  love reading them.  Unfortunately, I get more than I can even begin to read, so I have a huge backlog of them sitting next to my bed, on my coffee table, and by the john.  I also feel pretty bad about the environment and all being as I am using a shit ton of paper each month.  But, I pass them on to others to read and do art projects.  I am hoping that makes it okay.  I can't figure out how to stop them anyway, so I guess it will have to do. 

You wanna know how many magazines I get?  Here's a list of the ones I can think of right this minute.  I might be missing some. I probably am because I just remembered three more.

Maxim
Woman's Day
Martha Stewart Living (I love this one!  I so love Martha Stewart.  She's the MacGyver of Homemaking!)
Everyday Food
Family Fun (boring!)
Redbook
Spin  (I know far too much about LMFAO now. I still hate them, as I should because I am not 14.)
Playboy
Watch
More (and I'm not even over 40.  Oh, taboooo!)
Art in America
Newsweek
Forbes (Far more interesting than you think it will be.)
Seattle (I have no idea how I got this one being as I am in Austin.)
Ebony
Ladies Home Journal
Better Homes and Gardens (See the trend in lady magazines? Is it sad that I love them?)
Dwell
Afar
Island Living
Surfer
Tape Op
Guitar Player
Outside (Crazy good magazine even though I rarely go outside.  Not even  into the yard, really.)
Bride (This strangely bores me even though I am about to be a bride.)
Shape
Self

Another pile that my pile laughs at.

Fitness (As you can tell by my pictures I do not take these to heart.)
Parents
American Baby (And I have no kids, so there's that!)

That's all I can think of.  I used to get a lot more.  Some just stop while others start.  I have gotten some for the duration of this odd magazine experiment.  I have no idea when they stop or why.  I have no idea why they start or when.  I do know that if you need any sort of cleaning, cooking, baby, fitness, clothing, art, or financial tip I am your girl!

I once got on some list that sent me a free sample of Mentos almost every day for about a year.  I hate Mentos.  I wanted to be off that list.  But, this list is one I am cool with being on.  Let's just hope I stay on there forever!