You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."
Do this be working? I mean it's an app, donut might not. Wow. Donut, huh? That was supposed to be the word so. But I'm leaving it donut because that just proves this blog is a genius. It knows I want a donut. I mean, who doesn't! 💩🍰.
I've also decided to see if this little emoticon thing works. If it does, yes that says poop cake. If not, it's pictures of poop and cake. It's sort of like a donut.
And there is a picture button! Wonder how that works. Let's try it.
Okay, let's check this bitch out on the actual onlines. Yehaw to it working. Well, if it does. I don't know why, but it excites me.
Oh, Blog. How I have neglected you. It isn't as if I haven't been too busy to write. I haven't. Well, I have. But it isn't really busy if you consider it is playing Farmtown on Facebook. I have just been a lazy girl, as of late. But, tonight, tonight I will show you just what I am made of. I will throw out my writing skills like no one else. I will give you, Blog, a Judy Chop, a Ningy Chop, and the most famous of all, the Karate Chop. Blog, I will kick your ass with some Master's Degree in English with a focus in creative writing style writing. And I will let you know that I will not Ningy anyone that don't need Ninjying.
Okay, that being said, I sure have been lazy. The world has been turning around me, and I have not stopped to let all you fabulous people know what has been going on. For the most part, not a damn thing!
The Jodster and I are ready for Christmas! We are doing Christmas at home with ourselves this year. We were going to venture to the Mississippi to hang out with his family, but thanks to a huge pet deposit, a set of tires, and about a trillion other expenses this month, we are rescheduling for next month. So, we are going to hang out with each other.
We got ourselves a baby tree.
Well, I have had it. Jody didn't go picking out the Cinderella on top. But, isn't it just adorable. It's the cutest little tree. So, we shall gather round and open presents. Not too many, but some. I know it may sound greedy, but we got each other gifts instead of other people. That means they will get amazing birthday presents! But, you know, sometimes you just want to have your little presents and fun. That probably does sound pretty shitty. But, my life sucks most of the time. So, sometimes getting a present peps you up a little!
Anyway, we have plans, of course. I will be working at some point. But, we are going to have a great Christmas Even Mexican Fiesta with our friends David and Steve. Then the day after Christmas, Jody's oldest friend will be coming to spend a couple of days. So, even though we aren't going to be familying it up. We are going to have fun! I must say that I will miss the annual Ferguson Family Pictionary Tournament. Of course, I was going to miss it anyway since we were heading up to the Mississippi. But, I will just be more ready for it next year!
What else is going on in the good world of this poor, yet humble Austinite? Not too much. For real. How sad. I have been working and hanging out. You know, the normal. I had a great dinner over at a friend's house the other night. You can never beat homemade veggie lasagna and mucho glasses of wine. Wrapped presents with David and Steve the other day. Made out with Jody the other night for like an hour. He is so fun to make out with! Been to work about a trillion times since last I wrote which may be a month ago now!
Oh, Kate and Paul left! They have moved on. That sucks. Baltimore. They moved to Baltimore where Ryan and Emily also moved. I think the whole lot of us may end up there. Then I saw that snow storm on the news, and I decided that would be a bad idea!
But, I can't believe it. Here someone in our group finally decides to go and have a kiddo, and we aren't even going to be around to see her! Dang! That just means we will have to visit. But, it is so sad that they left. But, being a professor and a researcher at prestigious universities is probably a damn good reason to move. Of course, they might have stuck it out here just for our Thursday night hang out. But, alas, the did not. Career and all that, I guess!
I shall miss them, though. Never two more worthy Catan opponents have I beaten!
It's amazing how one blog can get so behind when you fail to write in it on a regular basis. I think there must be some sort of gene missing in my DNA that reminds me to do this. Of course, it could be because no one is reading it. Also, it could be because my ego isn't incredibly large. I don't know what. But, I am always forgetting about this goony blog.
So nothing fancy today. I have been busy, as I am now the Editor-in-Chief of InFluential Magazine. Yes sirree Bob, I am a fancy editor now instead of just a lowly assistant editor. Now, that being said, don't go looking for grammatical errors. You will find them, I am sure. I never reread this. Hopefully, though, there aren't too many! Funny thing is, there is one on my page about me. Yep. I need to get that changed. It kinda makes us all look like a bunch of goons.
This isn't my pile. My pile is far superior.
So, now that I am on the subject of magazines, I realized the other day that I get a lot of magazines. Seems some years ago (about 10 from what I can remember) I was added to some sort of odd magazine list. This magazine list addition entitled me to free magazine subscriptions. Many magazine subscriptions. And, let me tell you, I get a lot. .
It's sort of a blessing and a curse. I love them. I love having them. I love reading them. Unfortunately, I get more than I can even begin to read, so I have a hugebacklog of them sitting next to my bed, on my coffee table, and by the john. I also feel pretty bad about the environment and all being as I am using a shit ton of paper each month. But, I pass them on to others to read and do art projects. I am hoping that makes it okay. I can't figure out how to stop them anyway, so I guess it will have to do.
You wanna know how many magazines I get? Here's a list of the ones I can think of right this minute. I might be missing some. I probably am because I just remembered three more.
Fitness (As you can tell by my pictures I do not take these to heart.) Parents American Baby (And I have no kids, so there's that!)
That's all I can think of. I used to get a lot more. Some just stop while others start. I have gotten some for the duration of this odd magazine experiment. I have no idea when they stop or why. I have no idea why they start or when. I do know that if you need any sort of cleaning, cooking, baby, fitness, clothing, art, or financial tip I am your girl!
I once got on some list that sent me a free sample of Mentos almost every day for about a year. I hate Mentos. I wanted to be off that list. But, this list is one I am cool with being on. Let's just hope I stay on there forever!
In honor of The Nearly Constant Gardner, I give you the garden he is neglecting because he keeps going on vacation. As a true friend, I will use my blog to keep up with his. I want to state that I am not jealous in any way. I can't be. I could be on this vacation. For those who don't know, paying for a wedding sure does take a toll on you budget. Next Year Vacation with Friends, here we come!
Cheetos are the devil. I swear, they will be my undoing. Why do I love them so? I mean, they are one of the reasons my rear end is so large. .
I hate you, Cheetos. I hate you. But, I love you so! I have to go away from you for a while. See, I have this dress I have to fit into in September. So, you Cheetos, will have to go live with your Great Uncle Funyun in that Great Balloon Farm in the sky.
And, I won't miss you too much. I won't. Sometimes I forget about you altogether for a time. Then you come back. You're all skewed and orange and whistling a fancy tune. That's just the way you are. Sometimes you are puffed. Sometimes you are balled. Sometimes you are zingy hot. You are always a delicious treat.
But, alas, good Cheetos, you are no longer for me. You will have to be satisfied with living in the mouth of Britney Spears. And, you will be happy there. You won't show up as well on the gut, but you will live in luxury. And, when we meet again, we will have an amazing reunion. You will be missed. Not by my thighs, my metabolism, my heart, my liver, or my kidneys. But, you will be missed.
Long time no write. It was one heck of a weekend. So, I didn't get around to it.
Glad I skipped the makeup! Pretty!
This weekend was Kristy and Koley's annual Cinco de Pie-O celebration. It is when we all get together with our pies and eat them. There are all kinds of delicious pies to nibble on. Here is Jody and my pie. It's a crawfish pie that is so dang good. Other than some chopping of vegetables, I didn't do a dang thing. Jody did all of the work. But, then again, he usually does. He's quite the cook, my Jody is. Thank goodness, because I am fond of food (as this picture shows).
This is just a small sampling!
There was a smorgasbord of pies. I mean, there were a lot. I am thinking there must have been about 25 or so. Of course, I didn't get to eat all of them. And, I do have that hatred of hot and cooked fruit. So, I skipped all of those. But, there were all kinds of delicious pies!
Now, not only were there pies, but there was also a pinata. No party at Kristy and Koley's is complete without a pinata. In fact, I have realized that my people love pinatas. I have beat the hell out of more pinatas in my adult life than I ever hit as a kid. I don't know if that is strange or not, but I do think that I get more enjoyment out of them as an adult than as a kid.
They could be talking Hobbits.
There are a number of pictures to this pinata awesomeness on my favorite drunk gardener's Google + page. Please go look. Of course, I am partial to this pinata participant, as I find him incredibly cute and totally worthy of lifelong love. And, of course, Koley made sure to twist us up quite a bit. He's good at that. He does the four spins one way and the half spin the other. You wouldn't think that would make you want to vomit, but after a lot of pie and a bit of alcohol, it does just that.
Cinco de Pie-O was pretty good times. Lots of literary talk, lots of food, and an amazing rendetion of "Little Bitty Pissant Country Place" from Best Little Whorehouse in Texas sung by none other than Michael, Drunk Gardner, and I. Oh, it was fabulous and only ran 4 people out of the backyard. I blame humidity. However, I am pretty sure it was us.
All in all, a fab weekend. Well, Sunday was a bit of a bust due to this amazing case of stomach bug that got me. Luckily, I only had one fun think planned that day. I had to miss it (boo). I blame the Koley spin!
Beware the wrath of a copy editor. Halfway through paragraph four and I have already murdered it. But, I will make you look like the greatest writer of all time. At least, I will try.
The red? That's all me. All that red to the side? That's me commenting. I'm just trying to make you look good, I swear.
But, I gotta tell you, I love it. I love ever single minute of it. Man, grammar is fun. And, I hope to fuck that I didn't mess mine up in this very short blog. Bet I did.
In my life I have covered a lot of ground. Certainly, I am not a world traveler who has amazing adventures all the time, but I haven't lived a crappy life. I have gone to and finished graduate school; I have written a book of short fiction; I have up and moved half way across the country to live amongst the hippies of San Francisco; I have jumped off a roof into a pool; I hiked up mountains in Colorado; I have watched a drug deal in the Bahamas; I have burned my feet off on a sandy Texas beach; I have gone on a date with a man I met on craigslist and lived to tell about it (and our upcoming nuptials).
I have not lived the fanciest of lives, but I have lived. But, it dawned on me tonight that I haven't done a lot of things in life. They aren't hard things or rare things or things that would take a person a lifetime to achieve. They are just simple things. And, I think I can remedy some of them quiet easily. Here's the list that I have come up with so far.
So Dewy, So Mountainy
1. I have never had Mountain Dew. Never. Not once. I claim to hate it because I do. However, how the hell do I actually know that when I have never had it. Easily fixed. I can just go buy one. I might. I might not. I don't think my life will fall to pieces if I never taste the dew of some green-yellow mountain. But it might.
2. I have never gone camping. Never. Not once. I have never slept outside under the stars. I have never grilled over an open campfire unless you count one in someone's back yard that I probably got someone else to grill over for me. At this point in my life, I would really like to camp. I don't really go for that sort of thing because it's outside. And, that's where the nature and the grass is. And the no toilets. But, for the past couple of years, I have really wanted to do it. I think it would be good for me. If you want to encourage this, just go to our wedding registry. I registered for a bunch of camping stuff. I don't think we will get it, but if we do I will go. I would feel guilty if I didn't.
3. I have never seen Top Gun. I probably won't be on getting this one done. I have a real dislike for Tom Cruise. I could have seen Top Gun at anytime at this point, but I never have. Heck, I had access to a million movies for years at my sister's video store. And, I have had Netflix since 2006. It's Tom Cruise. I just can't watch it because of him. I tend to avoid him at all costs. I don't want Xenu to snatch up my brain. So, though I have done this one, I probably won't.
4. I have never owned a new car. Now, this one is going to be a little tougher to have happen. In fact, it is not going to happen any time soon. I don't mind. One day maybe. But, that's a big responsibility and a big, ole car payment. Not for me right now especially since the truck is still kicking. Maybe one day I will be a fancy lady in a new car. Maybe.
5. I have never eaten lobster. Again, I could do this this week, I am sure. But, I still think it odd that I have never eaten it. It's out there. It's available. I've just never gotten around to it. Maybe I can have a lobster/Mountain Dew feast this weekend! I mean, there is a seafood lover in me. So, maybe I'll make it a party!
6. I have never had a professional pedicure. Heck, I have only had a manicure once, and that was back when I went to the prom. But, pedicures have not blessed these toes. Sure, I cut and paint my toenails all the time. They are cute! I keep them that way. But, there is nothing more I would love than having someone do it for me. For some reason, though, I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I feel bad for the person having to touch my feet. Ugh. It makes me so uncomfortable. One day I want a pedicure. Once I get over the guilt, I will try it out.
Laura, We're All Happy Here!
7. I have never been to a Disney place. Dammit! I will go to a Disney place. I want to go to Disneyland so bad. You people have no idea. I (as a 36 year old woman) want to throw a hissy fit every time I hear of some kid getting to go to Disneyland. They won't appreciate it like I will! They won't! Take me. I'm more fun than some dumb 7 year old. I don't care if it is your kid. I'm better. Take me! (There's that tantrum I spoke of.) Unfortunately, Disneyland is more expensive than a new car. So, here's to one day striking it rich or moving to Orlando and getting a job as Goofy or something. Man, I want to go to Disneyland.
Well, there's a start of things I have never done. I might continue this in later blogs if I can think of more. I mean, there are many more. So so so so many more things I have never done. Of course, I might not add to it because I have a short attention span. Feel free to let me know things you haven't done. I would like to know who else hasn't done such droll and normal things. Maybe it isn't just me. It probably is, but I hope not.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
My wedding is 153 days away. I have said over and over that I need to go on a diet to look wonderful for said occasion. I haven't done that yet. And, now I have a dress. I am guessing that losing a bunch of weight would not really be cool being as I have a dress that fits (and Spanx). But, what I did not think of until the other day was that I can't gain any weight for 153 days.
Now, as you go back through this blog (or if you just know me, Jacob), you will see that I have a amazing knack for packing on the pounds. It seems that later in life your metabolism starts slowing down. And, if you started out a big butt, it turns into a bigger butt (and a bigger everything else). So, I am now trying just not to gain 20 pounds.
Please ignore the tacky deskness
You may think this an easy task since I am grown ass human with a thinking brain. Well, it's not. Wanna know why? Here is one reason. That picture right over there.
Now, you might wonder what that is. That is my desk at work. My desk. It is a shared desk with a day person, so it isn't mine alone. But, it is the hub of our department "behind the wall." (Too long to explain, but some will understand.) So, sometimes when I get to work-like tonight-there are THREE boxes of donuts, a bag of candy, a bag of cookies, and a container of cookies.
Now, that sounds like a lot. It looks like it might be more than one fatty boom balaty can handle? Maybe if you see it in a fancy, modern manner you will see it differently.
Please ingore the hipster deskness
There, does it look different in Instagram? No? Yeah, not to me either. It still looks like THREE boxes of donuts, a bag of candy, a bag of cookies, and a container of cookies. And, it is not easy for a fatty boombalatty to turn away from. Especially at 3am when your Lean Cuisine pizza just isn't cutting it; you are tired; bored; and, well, just a fatty who likes donuts, candy, and cookies.
So, there sits my torture. Right over there to my right. What kind of cruel job is this that does this to a person. Hell, even a skinny couldn't handle it. I'm handling it, though. Well, only because I am writing about it on here. Where the hell is the fruit bouquet when you need one? Not on this desk, I tell you what.
Now, don't get me wrong. I know that my overly large bohonkus (and boeverything) is absolutely my problem. I know that I have the free will and will power to overcome anything including a giant box of donuts. I know that I could weigh 143lbs (hahahahahahaha) if I really wanted to. I know. I know. I know. But, as an American who runs solely on processed sugars, it just ain't easy. Do you feel sorry for me yet?
All I can say is, thank goodness for an awesome fellow who loves a hefty gal. Now, let's hope I don't have to ride a wave of donuts to the altar while wearing a tent because I am too large to walk there. Here's to not eating this giant pile of crap and continuing to fit into my wedding dress!
This song has been in my head all since last night. I edited an article for the magazine I work for (influential-magazine.com) about one of them members of the group. And, since then, this has been in my head. Actually, this song has been in my head for quite a long time because I love it. I do. I have no idea why I love it. All I can say is it is catchy as hell. And, I have the record. Yep, I have a Mary Jane Girls record. I'm hoping that one day it will be noticed by Rick James' ghost (as it is probably the only copy in existence that is not living in a gay club). Then Rick James' ghost will come haunt my house. Wouldn't that be awesome? I am hoping it would sound and look a lot like this:
Of course, it would be also hilarious to be woken up in the middle of the night to clattering platform shoes, go into the living room, and see this:
I bet, though, it would actually look a lot like this:
I think it would be a great thing if all ghosts dressed as Rick James. Also, they need to sing like Rick James. I am sure they would end up kidnapping someone and burning them with a crack pipe just like Rick James. And, that would be okay with me because a crackhead ghost (or leprechaun) would be entertaining for at least a little while.
Okay, I'm off to perform a song and dance in my head. Actually, I will probably do it full out. Hope no one in here minds!
So, I had this plan to blog pretty much daily because I think it is a good way to have your say and not offend people because no one really reads it. Also, it appease my ego because that's just the kind of gal I am. So, I figured I would get back on it and write write write. Well, I was wrong. As things go with me electronically, I have shit luck. Really, my electronics luck can be compared to a poop filled bag sitting just over my head. And, every time I get some new technology, I grow an inch and my pointy head pops said bag. Then it runs all over my face. This is what happened last week.
I finally jump into the now with an iPhone. It's awesome. I love it. I am thrilled to be cool and hip and able to play Angry Birds 3 years after everyone else. Then it happens. Poop bag pops. I get home from work the day after I get my phone. I go to log into my laptop at the casa, and guess what happens? Well, I don't know, but whatever it is my laptop has gone stupid. Several keys just don't work. And, it isn't as if the are keys you can get around. Nope, they are the R, the E, the W, the B, and about 4 random other keys. Do you know how hard it is to type without an E and an R? Ugh!
So, I guess I can just go and buy us a fancy new keyboard. But, until then I can only blog from my work computer. (Pretend I didn't say that). I, of course, can blog from my iPhone. However, I can't really figure out how. There is some sort of texting involved. And, that is just a bit too involved for me. So, for now, I am only going to blog when I get a chance. Still, I guess that isn't too bad. I mean for me. I have gotten so out of the habit of writing. Or, I have gotten super lazy. I vote lazy.
Other than that, it was a fab weekend. My sister came to visit with her friend Carol. We had a good time. Did the whole South Congress thing. Ate at a trailer. Then off to a BBQ at the T and the J's house. Good times overall. I love when all my people get together. Wanna see some pictures? Sure you do! And, being a red blooded American with probably too much self esteem, I am going to show you!
I just realized that I spent 80% of the BBQ indoors. I like indoors. That's where the AC is.
Well, today has been a day of good and bad. First the bad. Levon Helm died. Now, I know many people probably don't even know who he is. I think that's sad. He's one of my favorite musicians in the world. He's in The Band. And, this is one of my favorite songs in the world:
Of course, some of you might now him as Loretta Lynn's father in Coal Miner's Daughter.
If you haven't seen that movie, you should. You are missing out. In fact, I am disappointed in you for not having seen it. Here, watch some of it.
Now, the good news! Laura is finally in the now. In the 2012 like a beotch. Well, more like in the 2011. But, I finally got an iPhone. AN IPHONE! And, it is so much fun! There are all kinds of good things I can do with it. But, of course, you people know because you already have one.
I decided last time around to go with the trusty BlackBerry. I liked it a lot for a long time. Then it just seemed so antiquated and sad. The tiny screen. The no fun apps. The inability to play Words with Friends. I wasn't going to miss the Draw Something craze. Not this girl. Yay, iPhone!
So, not too bad a day except for my poor Levon. I will go home and love my own personal drummer just to try to send some love his way.
Well, what in Fat Hell have I been doing for the past 5 months? Holy shit. I can't believe I haven't blogged in so long. You would think I was out there in the world having some sort of life. I wasn't. I have been watching TV. You know how that can get in the way of things.
So, since my last post I have become a great big liar. You see, I am not getting married at Pioneer Town in Wimberley. Oh, no. We decided to go even better. We are getting married in Jackson Square in New Orleans. Oh yes! NOLA. The Big Easy. The Place With Some Other Nickname That I Just Don't Know. Yes, that place. And, I can't wait!
Wedding prep is going as wedding prep will go. Got a dress, got some rings, got a honeymoon, got a bunch of stuff. Of course, there is tons we haven't done or planned. But, it's getting there. We do have a fancy website about our wedding if anyone is interested. Just click that different colored word back there. I am getting pretty giddy about it. Soon I shall become a Suarez. Or a Ferguson-Suarez (which is a crazy ethnically diverse name for a plain old white girl). Nah, I'm just gonna be a Suarez.
Well, that's what in the hell I have been up to. Same job, same awesome friends, same car, same house, same dopey dogs, same super awesome crazy fly fiance. And now just to keep up the blogging.
