My Kinda Sad Kinda Bucket List

Ever Foot Needs a Good Peeling

In my life I have covered a lot of ground. Certainly, I am not a world traveler who has amazing adventures all the time, but I haven't lived a crappy life.  I have gone to and finished graduate school; I have written a book of short fiction; I have up and moved half way across the country to live amongst the hippies of San Francisco; I have jumped off a roof into a pool; I hiked up mountains in Colorado; I have watched a drug deal in the Bahamas; I have burned my feet off on a sandy Texas beach; I have gone on a date with a man I met on craigslist and lived to tell about it (and our upcoming nuptials).

I have not lived the fanciest of lives, but I have lived. But, it dawned on me tonight that I haven't done a lot of things in life.  They aren't hard things or rare things or things that would take a person a lifetime to achieve.  They are just simple things.  And, I think I can remedy some of them quiet easily.  Here's the list that I have come up with so far.

So Dewy, So Mountainy

1.  I have never had Mountain Dew.  Never.  Not once.  I claim to hate it because I do.  However, how the hell do I actually know that when I have never had it.  Easily fixed.  I can just go buy one.  I might. I might not.  I don't think my life will fall to pieces if I never taste the dew of some green-yellow mountain.  But it might.

2.  I have never gone camping.  Never.  Not once.  I have never slept outside under the stars.  I have never grilled over an open campfire unless you count one in someone's back yard that I probably got someone else to grill over for me.  At this point in my life, I would really like to camp.  I don't really go for that sort of thing because it's outside.  And, that's where the nature and the grass is.  And the no toilets.  But, for the past couple of years, I have really wanted to do it.  I think it would be good for me.  If you want to encourage this, just go to our wedding registry.  I registered for a bunch of camping stuff.  I don't think we will get it, but if we do I will go. I would feel guilty if I didn't.

3.  I have never seen Top Gun.  I probably won't be on getting this one done.  I have a real dislike for Tom Cruise.  I could have seen Top Gun at anytime at this point, but I never have.  Heck, I had access to a million movies for years at my sister's video store.  And, I have had Netflix since 2006.  It's Tom Cruise.  I just can't watch it because of him.  I tend to avoid him at all costs.  I don't want Xenu to snatch up my brain.  So, though I have done this one, I probably won't.

4.  I have never owned a new car.  Now, this one is going to be a little tougher to have happen.  In fact, it is not going to happen any time soon.  I don't mind.  One day maybe.  But, that's a big responsibility and a big, ole car payment.  Not for me right now especially since the truck is still kicking.  Maybe one day I will be a fancy lady in a new car.  Maybe.

5.  I have never eaten lobster.  Again, I could do this this week, I am sure.  But, I still think it odd that I have never eaten it.  It's out there.  It's available.  I've just never gotten around to it.  Maybe I can have a lobster/Mountain Dew feast this weekend!  I mean, there is a seafood lover in me.  So, maybe I'll make it a party!

6.  I have never had a professional pedicure.  Heck, I have only had a manicure once, and that was back when I went to the prom.  But, pedicures have not blessed these toes.  Sure, I cut and paint my toenails all the time.  They are cute!  I keep them that way.  But, there is nothing more I would love than having someone do it for me.  For some reason, though, I can't seem to bring myself to do it.  I feel bad for the person having to touch my feet.  Ugh.  It makes me so uncomfortable.  One day I want a pedicure.  Once I get over the guilt, I will try it out.

Laura, We're All Happy Here!

7.  I have never been to a Disney place.  Dammit!  I will go to a Disney place.  I want to go to Disneyland so bad.  You people have no idea.  I (as a 36 year old woman) want to throw a hissy fit every time I hear of some kid getting to go to Disneyland.  They won't appreciate it like I will!  They won't!  Take me.  I'm more fun than some dumb 7 year old.  I don't care if it is your kid.  I'm better.  Take me!  (There's that tantrum I spoke of.)  Unfortunately, Disneyland is more expensive than a new car.  So, here's to one day striking it rich or moving to Orlando and getting a job as Goofy or something.  Man, I want to go to Disneyland.

Well, there's a start of things I have never done.  I might continue this in later blogs if I can think of more.  I mean, there are many more.  So so so so many more things I have never done.  Of course, I might not add to it because I have a short attention span.  Feel free to let me know things you haven't done. I  would like to know who else hasn't done such droll and normal things.  Maybe it isn't just me.  It probably is, but I hope not.

My wedding is 153 days away.  I have said over and over that I need to go on a diet to look wonderful for said occasion.  I haven't done that yet.  And, now I have a dress.  I am guessing that losing a bunch of weight would not really be cool being as I have a dress that fits (and Spanx).  But, what I did not think of until the other day was that I can't gain any weight for 153 days.

Now, as you go back through this blog (or if you just know me, Jacob), you will see that I have a amazing knack for packing on the pounds.  It seems that later in life your metabolism starts slowing down.  And, if you started out a big butt, it turns into a bigger butt (and a bigger everything else).  So, I am now trying just not to gain 20 pounds.

Please ignore the tacky deskness

You may think this an easy task since I am grown ass human with a thinking brain.  Well, it's not.  Wanna know why?  Here is one reason.   That picture right over there.

Now, you might wonder what that is.  That is my desk at work.  My desk.  It is a shared desk with a day person, so it isn't mine alone.  But, it is the hub of our department "behind the wall." (Too long to explain, but some will understand.) So, sometimes when I get to work-like tonight-there are THREE boxes of donuts, a bag of candy, a bag of cookies, and a container of cookies. 

Now, that sounds like a lot.  It looks like it might be more than one fatty boom balaty can handle?  Maybe if you see it in a fancy, modern manner you will see it differently.

Please ingore the hipster deskness

There, does it look different in Instagram?  No?  Yeah, not to me either.  It still looks like THREE boxes of donuts, a bag of candy, a bag of cookies, and a container of cookies. And, it is not easy for a fatty boombalatty to turn away from.  Especially at 3am when your Lean Cuisine pizza just isn't cutting it;  you are tired; bored; and, well, just a fatty who likes donuts, candy, and cookies. 

So, there sits my torture.  Right over there to my right.  What kind of cruel job is this that does this to a person.  Hell, even a skinny couldn't handle it.  I'm handling it, though.  Well, only because I am writing about it on here.  Where the hell is the fruit bouquet when you need one?  Not on this desk, I tell you what.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I know that my overly large bohonkus (and boeverything) is absolutely my problem.  I know that I have the free will and will power to overcome anything including a giant box of donuts.  I know that I could weigh 143lbs (hahahahahahaha) if I really wanted to.  I know.  I know.  I know.  But, as an American who runs solely on processed sugars, it just ain't easy.  Do you feel sorry for me yet?

All I can say is, thank goodness for an awesome fellow who loves a hefty gal. Now, let's hope I don't have to ride a wave of donuts to the altar while wearing a tent because I am too large to walk there.  Here's to not eating this giant pile of crap and continuing to fit into my wedding dress!

I Love Mary Jane...Girls, That Is!

This song has been in my head all since last night.  I edited an article for the magazine I work for (influential-magazine.com) about one of them members of the group.  And, since then, this has been in my head.  Actually, this song has been in my head for quite a long time because I love it.  I do. I  have no idea why I love it.  All I can say is it is catchy as hell.  And, I have the record.  Yep, I have a Mary Jane Girls record.  I'm hoping that one day it will be noticed by Rick James' ghost (as it is probably the only copy in existence that is not living in a gay club).  Then Rick James' ghost will come haunt my house.  Wouldn't that be awesome?  I am hoping it would sound and look a lot like this:

Of course, it would be also hilarious to be woken up in the middle of the night to clattering platform shoes, go into the living room, and see this:

I bet, though, it would actually look a lot like this:

I think it would be a great thing if all ghosts dressed as Rick James.  Also, they need to sing like Rick James.  I am sure they would end up kidnapping someone and burning them with a crack pipe just like Rick James.  And, that would be okay with me because a crackhead ghost (or leprechaun) would be entertaining for at least a little while.

Okay, I'm off to perform a song and dance in my head.  Actually, I will probably do it full out.  Hope no one in here minds!

And the Poop Goes On

So, I had this plan to blog pretty much daily because I think it is a good way to have your say and not offend people because no one really reads it.  Also, it appease my ego because that's just the kind of gal I am.  So, I figured I would get back on it and write write write.  Well, I was wrong.  As things go with me electronically, I have shit luck.  Really, my electronics luck can be compared to a poop filled bag sitting just over my head.  And, every time I get some new technology, I grow an inch and my pointy head pops said bag.  Then it runs all over my face.  This is what happened last week.

I finally jump into the now with an iPhone.  It's awesome. I love it.  I am thrilled to be cool and hip and able to play Angry Birds 3 years after everyone else.  Then it happens.  Poop bag pops.  I get home from work the day after I get my phone.  I go to log into my laptop at the casa, and guess what happens? Well, I don't know, but whatever it is my laptop has gone stupid.  Several keys just don't work.  And, it isn't as if the are keys you can get around.  Nope, they are the R, the E, the W, the B, and about 4 random other keys.  Do you know how hard it is to type without an E and an R?  Ugh!

So, I guess I can just go and buy us a fancy new keyboard.  But, until then I can only blog from my work computer.  (Pretend I didn't say that).  I, of course, can blog from my iPhone.  However, I can't really figure out how.  There is some sort of texting involved.  And, that is just a bit too involved for me.  So, for now, I am only going to blog when I get a chance.  Still, I guess that isn't too bad.  I mean for me.  I have gotten so out of the habit of writing.  Or, I have gotten super lazy.  I vote lazy.

Other than that, it was a fab weekend.  My sister came to visit with her friend Carol.  We had a good time.  Did the whole South Congress thing.  Ate at a trailer.  Then off to a BBQ at the T and the J's house.  Good times overall.  I love when all my people get together.  Wanna see some pictures?  Sure you do!  And, being a red blooded American with probably too much self esteem, I am going to show you!

I just realized that I spent 80% of the BBQ indoors.  I like indoors.  That's where the AC is.

Okay, off to do actual work!  Super fun!

I'm in the Now, but I'm Still Sad

Well, today has been a day of good and bad.  First the bad.  Levon Helm died.  Now, I know many people probably don't even know who he is.  I think that's sad.  He's one of my favorite musicians in the world. He's in The Band.  And, this is one of my favorite songs in the world:

Of course, some of you might now him as Loretta Lynn's father in Coal Miner's Daughter.  

 

If you haven't seen that movie, you should.  You are missing out.  In fact, I am disappointed in you for not having seen it.  Here, watch some of it.

Now, the good news!  Laura is finally in the now.  In the 2012 like a beotch.  Well, more like in the 2011.  But, I finally got an iPhone. AN IPHONE!  And, it is so much fun!  There are all kinds of good things I can do with it.  But, of course, you people know because you already have one.

I decided last time around to go with the trusty BlackBerry. I liked it a lot for a long time.  Then it just seemed so antiquated and sad.  The tiny screen. The no fun apps.  The inability to play Words with Friends.  I wasn't going to miss the Draw Something craze.  Not this girl. Yay, iPhone!

So, not too bad a day except for my poor Levon.  I will go home and love my own personal drummer just to try to send some love his way.

The Big Easy (Not Just Reasons Jody Loves Me)

Well, what in Fat Hell have I been doing for the past 5 months?  Holy shit.  I can't believe I haven't blogged in so long.  You would think I was out there in the world having some sort of life.  I wasn't.  I have been watching TV.  You know how that can get in the way of things.

So, since my last post I have become a great big liar.  You see, I am not getting married at Pioneer Town in Wimberley.  Oh, no.  We decided to go even better.  We are getting married in Jackson Square in New Orleans.  Oh yes!  NOLA.  The Big Easy.  The Place With Some Other Nickname That I Just Don't Know.  Yes, that place.  And, I can't wait!

Wedding prep is going as wedding prep will go.  Got a dress, got some rings, got a honeymoon, got a bunch of stuff.  Of course, there is tons we haven't done or planned.  But, it's getting there.  We do have a fancy website about our wedding if anyone is interested.  Just click that different colored word back there.  I am getting pretty giddy about it.  Soon I shall become a Suarez.  Or a Ferguson-Suarez (which is a crazy ethnically diverse name for a plain old white girl).  Nah, I'm just gonna be a Suarez.

Well, that's what in the hell I have been up to.  Same job, same awesome friends, same car, same house, same dopey dogs, same super awesome crazy fly fiance.  And now just to keep up the blogging.