My wedding is 153 days away.  I have said over and over that I need to go on a diet to look wonderful for said occasion.  I haven't done that yet.  And, now I have a dress.  I am guessing that losing a bunch of weight would not really be cool being as I have a dress that fits (and Spanx).  But, what I did not think of until the other day was that I can't gain any weight for 153 days.

Now, as you go back through this blog (or if you just know me, Jacob), you will see that I have a amazing knack for packing on the pounds.  It seems that later in life your metabolism starts slowing down.  And, if you started out a big butt, it turns into a bigger butt (and a bigger everything else).  So, I am now trying just not to gain 20 pounds.

Please ignore the tacky deskness

You may think this an easy task since I am grown ass human with a thinking brain.  Well, it's not.  Wanna know why?  Here is one reason.   That picture right over there.

Now, you might wonder what that is.  That is my desk at work.  My desk.  It is a shared desk with a day person, so it isn't mine alone.  But, it is the hub of our department "behind the wall." (Too long to explain, but some will understand.) So, sometimes when I get to work-like tonight-there are THREE boxes of donuts, a bag of candy, a bag of cookies, and a container of cookies. 

Now, that sounds like a lot.  It looks like it might be more than one fatty boom balaty can handle?  Maybe if you see it in a fancy, modern manner you will see it differently.

Please ingore the hipster deskness

There, does it look different in Instagram?  No?  Yeah, not to me either.  It still looks like THREE boxes of donuts, a bag of candy, a bag of cookies, and a container of cookies. And, it is not easy for a fatty boombalatty to turn away from.  Especially at 3am when your Lean Cuisine pizza just isn't cutting it;  you are tired; bored; and, well, just a fatty who likes donuts, candy, and cookies. 

So, there sits my torture.  Right over there to my right.  What kind of cruel job is this that does this to a person.  Hell, even a skinny couldn't handle it.  I'm handling it, though.  Well, only because I am writing about it on here.  Where the hell is the fruit bouquet when you need one?  Not on this desk, I tell you what.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I know that my overly large bohonkus (and boeverything) is absolutely my problem.  I know that I have the free will and will power to overcome anything including a giant box of donuts.  I know that I could weigh 143lbs (hahahahahahaha) if I really wanted to.  I know.  I know.  I know.  But, as an American who runs solely on processed sugars, it just ain't easy.  Do you feel sorry for me yet?

All I can say is, thank goodness for an awesome fellow who loves a hefty gal. Now, let's hope I don't have to ride a wave of donuts to the altar while wearing a tent because I am too large to walk there.  Here's to not eating this giant pile of crap and continuing to fit into my wedding dress!

I Love Mary Jane...Girls, That Is!

This song has been in my head all since last night.  I edited an article for the magazine I work for (influential-magazine.com) about one of them members of the group.  And, since then, this has been in my head.  Actually, this song has been in my head for quite a long time because I love it.  I do. I  have no idea why I love it.  All I can say is it is catchy as hell.  And, I have the record.  Yep, I have a Mary Jane Girls record.  I'm hoping that one day it will be noticed by Rick James' ghost (as it is probably the only copy in existence that is not living in a gay club).  Then Rick James' ghost will come haunt my house.  Wouldn't that be awesome?  I am hoping it would sound and look a lot like this:

Of course, it would be also hilarious to be woken up in the middle of the night to clattering platform shoes, go into the living room, and see this:

I bet, though, it would actually look a lot like this:

I think it would be a great thing if all ghosts dressed as Rick James.  Also, they need to sing like Rick James.  I am sure they would end up kidnapping someone and burning them with a crack pipe just like Rick James.  And, that would be okay with me because a crackhead ghost (or leprechaun) would be entertaining for at least a little while.

Okay, I'm off to perform a song and dance in my head.  Actually, I will probably do it full out.  Hope no one in here minds!

And the Poop Goes On

So, I had this plan to blog pretty much daily because I think it is a good way to have your say and not offend people because no one really reads it.  Also, it appease my ego because that's just the kind of gal I am.  So, I figured I would get back on it and write write write.  Well, I was wrong.  As things go with me electronically, I have shit luck.  Really, my electronics luck can be compared to a poop filled bag sitting just over my head.  And, every time I get some new technology, I grow an inch and my pointy head pops said bag.  Then it runs all over my face.  This is what happened last week.

I finally jump into the now with an iPhone.  It's awesome. I love it.  I am thrilled to be cool and hip and able to play Angry Birds 3 years after everyone else.  Then it happens.  Poop bag pops.  I get home from work the day after I get my phone.  I go to log into my laptop at the casa, and guess what happens? Well, I don't know, but whatever it is my laptop has gone stupid.  Several keys just don't work.  And, it isn't as if the are keys you can get around.  Nope, they are the R, the E, the W, the B, and about 4 random other keys.  Do you know how hard it is to type without an E and an R?  Ugh!

So, I guess I can just go and buy us a fancy new keyboard.  But, until then I can only blog from my work computer.  (Pretend I didn't say that).  I, of course, can blog from my iPhone.  However, I can't really figure out how.  There is some sort of texting involved.  And, that is just a bit too involved for me.  So, for now, I am only going to blog when I get a chance.  Still, I guess that isn't too bad.  I mean for me.  I have gotten so out of the habit of writing.  Or, I have gotten super lazy.  I vote lazy.

Other than that, it was a fab weekend.  My sister came to visit with her friend Carol.  We had a good time.  Did the whole South Congress thing.  Ate at a trailer.  Then off to a BBQ at the T and the J's house.  Good times overall.  I love when all my people get together.  Wanna see some pictures?  Sure you do!  And, being a red blooded American with probably too much self esteem, I am going to show you!

I just realized that I spent 80% of the BBQ indoors.  I like indoors.  That's where the AC is.

Okay, off to do actual work!  Super fun!

I'm in the Now, but I'm Still Sad

Well, today has been a day of good and bad.  First the bad.  Levon Helm died.  Now, I know many people probably don't even know who he is.  I think that's sad.  He's one of my favorite musicians in the world. He's in The Band.  And, this is one of my favorite songs in the world:

Of course, some of you might now him as Loretta Lynn's father in Coal Miner's Daughter.  

 

If you haven't seen that movie, you should.  You are missing out.  In fact, I am disappointed in you for not having seen it.  Here, watch some of it.

Now, the good news!  Laura is finally in the now.  In the 2012 like a beotch.  Well, more like in the 2011.  But, I finally got an iPhone. AN IPHONE!  And, it is so much fun!  There are all kinds of good things I can do with it.  But, of course, you people know because you already have one.

I decided last time around to go with the trusty BlackBerry. I liked it a lot for a long time.  Then it just seemed so antiquated and sad.  The tiny screen. The no fun apps.  The inability to play Words with Friends.  I wasn't going to miss the Draw Something craze.  Not this girl. Yay, iPhone!

So, not too bad a day except for my poor Levon.  I will go home and love my own personal drummer just to try to send some love his way.

The Big Easy (Not Just Reasons Jody Loves Me)

Well, what in Fat Hell have I been doing for the past 5 months?  Holy shit.  I can't believe I haven't blogged in so long.  You would think I was out there in the world having some sort of life.  I wasn't.  I have been watching TV.  You know how that can get in the way of things.

So, since my last post I have become a great big liar.  You see, I am not getting married at Pioneer Town in Wimberley.  Oh, no.  We decided to go even better.  We are getting married in Jackson Square in New Orleans.  Oh yes!  NOLA.  The Big Easy.  The Place With Some Other Nickname That I Just Don't Know.  Yes, that place.  And, I can't wait!

Wedding prep is going as wedding prep will go.  Got a dress, got some rings, got a honeymoon, got a bunch of stuff.  Of course, there is tons we haven't done or planned.  But, it's getting there.  We do have a fancy website about our wedding if anyone is interested.  Just click that different colored word back there.  I am getting pretty giddy about it.  Soon I shall become a Suarez.  Or a Ferguson-Suarez (which is a crazy ethnically diverse name for a plain old white girl).  Nah, I'm just gonna be a Suarez.

Well, that's what in the hell I have been up to.  Same job, same awesome friends, same car, same house, same dopey dogs, same super awesome crazy fly fiance.  And now just to keep up the blogging.

I Shall Become a Pioneer Woman!

Well, it is November 1st.  It is this time of year when turkeys are on the loose waiting to be eaten by modern day Pilgrims.  It is the time of year when all of the retail world decides it is time you decorate your house for a holiday two months away.  And, for me, it is time to start planning a wedding.

On September 29, 2012, I shall become Mrs. Jody Suarez.  And, in doing so, I got lots of work to do to make it happen.  Well, I guess we do.  But, you know how it is.  Women are always more involved in this kind of thing.  For one reason, it's our wedding.  Out big day.  Our fairy tale event.  Second, it is because we are bossy and want everything to be our way.  So, I am just going to take the reigns on this one. 

We are going all out DIY because we ain't gots no money!  And, what would some fancy shindig do with me at the center of it?  It would run off and cry that it got stuck with my no sock, tennis shoe wearing, half greasy haired dorkball instead of some Debutant it deserved.  We have tons of ideas and little bread, so we are gonna work it like a drag queen.  As Tim Gunn says, we are gonna "make it work."

We have the date, and we are pretty sure we know where we are going to have it.  We are probably going to go with Pioneer Town in Wimberley.  It is a great tacky little place with a lot of character and a whole lot of good memories for me as a kid and us as grownups.  It's pretty awesome.  There used to be a train and a medicine show.  But, those things seemed to have dried up.  However, it still kinda rules...and has a house made of bottles!  How awesome is that?  Here are some pictures of the place.

Isn't it great?  I am sure that it was hoards of family fun in the 60s and 70s and 80s.  Well, I know it was because that's when I first went there. It isn't so much the happening place it used to be, but that's just why I like it!  We are going next weekend to give the wedding facilities the once over.  Let's hope we love it or else we just might be eloping.

Other than that, we have nothing.  I have been perusing websites about how to do a wedding.  I think it should be doable by us.  I think.  I have no idea about food or  a dress or any of that good stuff.  But, all in due time.  And all when we get some mula!

That's a Dish of a Different of a Different Color of Mold

I need a dishwasher.  Really.  We're living like crackhead kitchen over here.  You know when you just stare at the dishes.  Just stare at them.  They are sitting there all covered in egg yolk and ketchup and dried up salad dressing and old coffee.  And you just stare.  Then try to stack one more plate on the towering dish mound.  And it works, so you don't have to do the dishes!  You can eat cereal out of a coffee cup.  It's no big deal.  It's kinda fun and whimsical.  And cool and modern.  And stupid and lazy because I just don't want to do the dishes!

Why do I think having a dishwasher would cure this?  Actually, it would cure the guilt.  I could just chunk all my dishes in there and have them out of sight.  That would help.  I wouldn't feel so cracky.  I think sometimes that we should just use paper plates and plastic silverware.  But, I can't be that awful to the environment.  I mean, I guess I can.  But, I would feel terrible.

So, I will just sit here and hope they wash themselves.  Or get up and do it.  Or just stare at Jody until he does it.  Is it okay to start pulling woman moves like that?  Nag or something?  He's got to be expecting it at some point.  Nah.  I'll wait on that until I want someone to paint the house.

I hate you dirty dishes!  I hate you!  It's not at all my lazy fault that you are there.  Not at all.  It's all on you.  And I hate you!

Saying Something About 4 Years, Yo!

Going to the Chapel...

And, I'm gonna get meh-re-rare-ied!  Yes, I am!

I'm getting married.  Mr. Jody got down on one knee and proposed to me this evening.  Well, I guess it was yesterday evening.  And, I said yes!  Well, I guess you figured that out or else I wouldn't be writing this.

I'm so excited!  Married!  Like real live people do.  I can't wait.  I'm a be Mrs. Suarez.  Ah!!  I'm so happy!

Please ignore the unpainted nails.  He caught me off guard. I was actually in my undies watching Dateline or some such nonsense.  I was looking ultra fabulous.  But, that must mean he really loves me!  I am so excited.  Just wait for all the annoying wedding blogging that will come!  Yay!

I Actually Thought Today was Monday...

Why Did End This Way?

Right this minute Jody is giving me dreadlocks whilst I am listening to "On My Own" by Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald.  It's a fun night.

Cheeseballs From the Dollar Store Gave Me a Tummy Ache

Serves me right.  I shoulda passed them up.  But, dang they are good.  I wish Cheetos still made them.  Remember Cheese Balls.  I hate the ones from Mr. Peanut or whoever has that blue canister with Mr. Peanut on them.  They are greasy, gross, and make you have to go.  And, this from a fat girl.  That means they are doing something wrong because I should be their main clientele. But, the old Cheetos ones where so good!  I can remember the blue bag now...

Wow, I am trying to find a picture of them on google, and I am coming up with nothing. I didn't make these up in my head, did I?  My sister would know.  She loved the damn things.  By the way, it's Planters that makes the bad ones, not Mr. Peanut.  I mean, he is on the can, but it wasn't him personally who made the yucky balls.  Sorry, Mr. Peanut, for blaming you.  It's actually your company.

Well, now I am on the hunt for Cheetos Brand Cheese Balls.  Even Wikipedia (say it like Mosby) isn't helping me.  I swear, this product existed.  Of course, I think if I can't find it in a 8 second google search, I am wrong.  Dang this Internet fad!  You're making me doubt myself.

Okay, off to research Cheese Balls.  Balls....hahaha.

Good Lord!

I can't sleep, as per usual.  So, I am watching church on TV.  Good lord, it's boring.  And they keep misspelling the words they are typing at the bottom of the screen.  Maybe this is why I am not religious.  Bad spelling and boring speeches.  I'm going to bed.