Jody called me a Poop Face!

In Canada Lait au Polulet is what they call egg nog. Translated, that is chicken milk. Translated, that is the grossest thing I have ever heard! But, it sure is funny. Chicken milk. Yuck!

I saw the trailer for the Karate Kid movie. (Do I capitalize that since it really isn't the title?) Anyway, they have turned Wax On, Wax Off into Jacket On, Jacket Off. Jacket off? Did no one on the production team realize that Jackie Chan telling Will Smith's kid to Jacket Off is about a pervy and freaking hilarious as you can get! Jacket off. Hell, Jody says that to me all the time! I didn't know he was wanting me to practice karate!

I have the song Woman in Love in my head. I think that is the title. It is sung by Barbara Streisand and written by Barry Gibb. It is so overly dramatic! It's horrible, but I love it like one would a Captain and Tennille song. But, I can't help it. It is one of those awesomely bad songs like I'm Your Lady by Celine Dione or Strong Enough by Cheryl Crow. I have no idea if these are the actual titles, but I don't want to research it right now. I will fix it later if they are wrong. But, you know what I mean? Songs that are horrible, but they are done with such amazing drama and feeling? You have to appreciate them. I might make a list of them one day. I really like those types of songs. Anyway, that song is in my head. I think you wanted to know that.


I think I might have just done that whole paragraph in italics. I am kind of a tard when it comes to this thing. I will fix it later if I did. I did. I looked at the preview. Fixing coming up.

Christmas is in two days, and I gotta bleach my hair for Santa! He will be scared away by my awful roots. I look like Britney Spears about two days before she went Spearsy and shaved her head. Remember that look? Not a good one. Oh, and I have a zit on the end of my nose that I had to pick at like a meth fiend. So, for Christmas I am going as Rudolph the Red-Nosed year ago nutty Britney Spears.

Now I am off to hang out with some peoples whom I dig! I shall be back later to make this fabulously flawed blog post. Or will I?

My lazy ass is writing again! Hurray!

Oh, Blog. How I have neglected you. It isn't as if I haven't been too busy to write. I haven't. Well, I have. But it isn't really busy if you consider it is playing Farmtown on Facebook. I have just been a lazy girl, as of late. But, tonight, tonight I will show you just what I am made of. I will throw out my writing skills like no one else. I will give you, Blog, a Judy Chop, a Ningy Chop, and the most famous of all, the Karate Chop. Blog, I will kick your ass with some Master's Degree in English with a focus in creative writing style writing. And I will let you know that I will not Ningy anyone that don't need Ninjying.

Okay, that being said, I sure have been lazy. The world has been turning around me, and I have not stopped to let all you fabulous people know what has been going on. For the most part, not a damn thing!

The Jodster and I are ready for Christmas! We are doing Christmas at home with ourselves this year. We were going to venture to the Mississippi to hang out with his family, but thanks to a huge pet deposit, a set of tires, and about a trillion other expenses this month, we are rescheduling for next month. So, we are going to hang out with each other.

We got ourselves a baby tree.

Well, I have had it. Jody didn't go picking out the Cinderella on top. But, isn't it just adorable. It's the cutest little tree. So, we shall gather round and open presents. Not too many, but some. I know it may sound greedy, but we got each other gifts instead of other people. That means they will get amazing birthday presents! But, you know, sometimes you just want to have your little presents and fun. That probably does sound pretty shitty. But, my life sucks most of the time. So, sometimes getting a present peps you up a little!

Anyway, we have plans, of course. I will be working at some point. But, we are going to have a great Christmas Even Mexican Fiesta with our friends David and Steve. Then the day after Christmas, Jody's oldest friend will be coming to spend a couple of days. So, even though we aren't going to be familying it up. We are going to have fun! I must say that I will miss the annual Ferguson Family Pictionary Tournament. Of course, I was going to miss it anyway since we were heading up to the Mississippi. But, I will just be more ready for it next year! Luckily, I do get to do a little family visiting just after Christmas. Just not on the day.

What else is going on in the good world of this poor, yet humble Austinite? Not too much. For real. How sad. I have been working and hanging out. You know, the normal. I had a great dinner over at a friend's house the other night. You can never beat homemade veggie lasagna and mucho glasses of wine. Wrapped presents with David and Steve the other day. Made out with Jody the other night for like an hour. He is so fun to make out with! Been to work about a trillion times since last I wrote which may be a month ago now!

Oh, Kate and Paul left! They have moved on. That sucks. Baltimore. They moved to Baltimore where Ryan and Emily also moved. I think the whole lot of us may end up there. Then I saw that snow storm on the news, and I decided that would be a bad idea!

But, I can't believe it. Here someone in our group finally decides to go and have a kiddo, and we aren't even going to be around to see her! Dang! That just means we will have to visit. But, it is so sad that they left. But, being a professor and a researcher at prestigious universities is probably a damn good reason to move. Of course, they might have stuck it out here just for our Thursday night hang out. But, alas, the did not. Career and all that, I guess!

I shall miss them, though. Never two more worthy Catan opponents have I beaten!

The rest of my world involves watching TV, sleeping, and really doing not much of anything, as any good American would do. I do recommend watching Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew! Holy Hell, what a show!

Okay, enough of me. I will keep up with this more because I know how much I love to hear myself talk. So, why wouldn't others? Ha!

Youtube is our friend

Rebi (?) Jackson, Debarge, and now The Jetts. Youtube is a good thing!

Jody Cooked my Crab Claw...And That Really Hurt

I recommend getting a boyfriend who is Cajun and likes to cook. It makes for a fabulous Thanksgiving feast of Crawfish Pie and Seafood Gumbo. Sure, I'm a vegetarian. But, I venture the seafood route on occasion. Sometimes more than I should. And tonight was one of those nights. Oh, it was so so so so so good!







I told the Jodster that this is going to be our new tradition. It was so good. And there is a whole lot of it.

Then we went and made banana pudding. I love that awesome son of a bitch! I really do. In the immortal words of Salt N Pepa...what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!

So, my Thanksgiving went pretty damn well. Boy Howdy, I had a good day.

I'm a Champion Spella!

I am very glad that I have coworkers who care about the environment. I care about the environment. I mean, I am not nuts about it, but I do recycle. I don't get gas before 6 pm if I can help it. I use the dishwasher at night. I use CFLs when I can. You know, the normal things that people do.

So, upon seeing the introduction of a sign advising us to bring our own cups from home with a list of reasons why we should not use the coffee cups supplied is a great thing to have! Except that it seems this great Earth lover doesn't have the same passion for spelling and grammar. You people have no idea how much I want to correct this with a giant Sharpee! Thanks for the effort, Greenie. But, good lord, use the spell check!



The funniest part is that STYROFOAM is spelled correctly throughout the poster, just not in the big assed title! This is why I love people!

I sure hope I didn't spell anything incorrectly in this post. Hehe!

Drank that Soda Water

I have been so lazy about writing in the gosh darn blog type thingy here. I mean nothing much has gone on. Well, it has, but nothing too exciting.

Leah and Maria got married. Their wedding was beautiful! For real gorgeous wedding and all that that entails. Wanna see a picture? Good because I am going to show you one.




Don't they look amazing. It was so awesome. The most beautiful day! The most beautiful setting! A margarita machine! Yes, a margarita machine which I took full advantage of. But, other than that, it was such a nice ceremony and party.

There was, at one point, some freaky man staring at it from the woods. He might have been a serial killer or mountain man or something. We all got a kick out of that.

The ladies are now living in wedded bliss in their house that they have lived at forever. But, they are doing so wedded blissfully, as opposed to, shacking up like a bunch of harlots (which I am still doing!).

Then we had the Kate and Paul baby shower for baby Emperor Fancy. I say this because Kate's fetus looks like the Emperor from Star Wars (oh, and we like the song Fancy. It's annoying yet wonderful, so we have dubbed the baby Fancy.) Wanna see Emperor Fancy? Good because you are!



Uncanny, isn't it!

Anyway, the shower was so much fun. It was a boy/girl BBQ shower. I guess that means we are all modern. Here are a couple of pictures just to prove we actually had a good time!





Since Kristy, Travis, Jacob, and I were in charge of this shindig, you know it was slightly tasteless. Kristy brought the fabulous fetus cake that reminded me something of the movie The Brood. I made the cupcakes that were supposed to look like vaginas. Apparently they did! So, it was a success!

Of course, Kristy and I are girls through and through, so we had to decorate sweetly. So, Kristy came up with the awesome clothes line with onesies and such on the it. And of course, we had the overload of pink anything that would stand still! So, Emperor Fancy had quite the fancy baby shower. Or at least she did in my opinion!

What else has been going on? Nothing much. The danged old apartment complex found out we had dogs, and they are making us pay up on December 1. Sure, it was our bad for not paying the pet deposit up front. But, moving is super expensive. So, sometimes you have to be a little dishonest. We had planned on paying after the first of the year (so I say, but we probably would have put it off until we were caught). But, we fought the law, and the law won. So, now Christmas is going to be quite lean this year. Sure, we are totally at fault, but I still want to gripe! Dang you, apartment complex people! Dang you! Oh, and sorry for breaking the rules. I am not sure it is worth such a large hunk of money, but I guess we have to pay.

We have been to the movies a bit lately although we should just be saving up money to pay for these ding danged farting dogs. But, I highly recommend Where the Wild Things Are. It was so so so so so good. It was not happy in any way. I cried the whole time. But, I absolutely loved it. I hope it is up for best picture.

We also saw A Christmas Carol. Skip it. We got sucked in by the 3D which is so freaking cool! Then 20 minutes is up, and it turns out it is just the same old story, but it has 3D. And the coolness of that wore off, and I feel asleep. The previews were cool except the seemingly weirdly inappropriateness of a wheel chair coming at you in 3D because of the Avatar preview (which mind you, I do not want to see in any way shape or form. Don't harp on me, I am just not into that kind of movie. In fact, I will go as far as to say I hate that type of movie. I don't know why. I just do! Although I will admit the blue cat people look cool!).

Ho hum, what's next? We are headed to Mississippi for Christmas. I get to meet the fam o' the Jodster! I am so excited. Of course, that is if we can afford it after our dumb old apartment complex tries to bankrupt people at the holidays. But, we shall head to the Pearl to meet the Mom and the Sister and the Brothers and the Nephews and the Nieces and the whoever else! I am so excited. I am! I sure hope they like me. I figure as long as I keep my mouth shut, they will.

Oh, what else is going on the world of the Laura Ferguson? Not a gosh darn thing! Really. Nothing. I have a few gripes here and there. I have a few chuckles on the occasion. Sometimes I have a life, but mostly I just come to work. I need to update a whole lot more. (and so does a reader man of D.G. I miss reading your blog!!). So, I will end now because I am boring even myself.

Long Live the Kiss Army!

Happy Halloween!! Booooooo!

A cop out because I got nothing today

Young Woman and Older Woman in Light Blue Car
By Laura Ferguson

“You know, Honey, you shouldn’t wear your bathing suit as your underwear. It can give you an infection.”

“I know, Mom. How long until we get home?”

“’Bout half an hour. The same time it took to get here.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot.”

She leans up and takes a magazine off the dashboard. She flips through the pages, reaches the end, and starts again from the beginning.

“Interesting magazine?”

“Yeah, Mom, I guess.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound like it’s very interesting.”

“It is. I am just not in the mood to read.”

She places the magazine back on the dashboard, rolls down the window, leans back, and closes her eyes. Her hair whips around her face, but she does not brush it away. She takes a deep breath.

“You know, I really do think that boy was a good one. He treats you nice.”

“Yeah, I know, Mom.”

“No, Honey, I mean it. I really think that boy is sweet to you.”

“Yeah, Mom.”

“No, really! Now, your father –God rest his soul-wouldn’t have approved. He’s probably rolling over in his grave about this, but I don’t care. Now, I don’t like this whole mess you and that boy went and got yourselves into. You know your father would really have flipped about this. But that boy, he is a good fellow for a colored boy.”

She doesn’t say anything.

“I tell you, I have-“

“Mom, is it okay if we don’t talk for a little while. I’m really tired, and I don’t feel so great.”

“Of course. Just nap for a while.”

She reaches up and turns on the radio, takes the magazine that is blowing open off the dashboard, drops it on the floor, brushes her hair away from her face, leans back, and closes her eyes.

She can hear the woosh of the cars whipping by in the oncoming lane. Every time one does, it sends a gust of air through the car causing her hair to twirl around her face, itching her nose. But she doesn’t brush it away.

They drive on. A song comes on the radio-an upbeat number. That ends and another song-a song teenagers dance closely and slowly to-comes on. That ends and a new song comes on-another upbeat. That ends, and the local weather comes on.

“They say it is supposed to be hot all week.”

She doesn’t answer.

“Could get up into the 100s.”

She doesn’t say anything.

“You comfortable? You need one of them pills?”

“I’m okay, Mom.”

“You know, once when I was about your age, I a-“

“MOM!”

Another upbeat number started. She leans up, turns of the radio-another upbeat number, brushes the hair out of her face, kicks the magazine off her foot, leans back and closes her eyes. Again she can hear the car swoosh. Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swo-

“Okay, I am going to say something here. I know you don’t want to talk, but I just have to know if I am the reason you did this.”

She didn’t answer. Swoosh, swoosh, swo-

“Cause you know-“

“You’re not the reason I did this, Mom.”

“Well, that didn’t sound very convincing. You can’t think of me as the reason you did this, Honey. I mean, I just gave you advice. That is what I am supposed to do as your mother. But overall the decision was yours.”

She doesn’t reply. Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoo-

“Cause if you blame me for this, it is just going to make you hate me. I didn’t make you do this.”

She leans up, turns the radio back on, and leans back. She never opened her eyes.

Swo-

“I mean, this is something you decided for yourself. I only told you what I thought you should do. If you blame me for this, I don’t think I could live with myself. It’ll kill me. You will have to bury me up there with your father-God rest him. I mean, you are a good girl and that boy is a good boy even though he’s colored. I really like him a lot. I don’t think you believe that. But it’s true. I just had to tell you what was on my mind. I mean, you know I have to speak my mind, especially when it comes to something like this. In my day, you didn’t have many options. I mean, if I had had some options when I found out I was pr-Well, I just hope you don’t blame me for this. And you come to me cryin’, and I just had to tell you what I thought. I think that is always the best way to do it. Say what you feel. When you got advice to give, give it. That’s all I did. A bad situation all around. Just because I pointed it out doesn’t mean I’m to blame. You did what you did because you it is what you wanted to do.”

She opens her eyes, leans up, turns up the radio, kicks the magazine at her feet, leans back, turned, and looks out the window.

“Well, I guess that just means you do blame me. You think I forced you into this, don’t you? If that is how you feel, than I am just gonna sit here quiet. I’ll just let you think on this-you got your own freewill. And no one can make you do anything you don’t want. So don’t you try makin’ me feel quilty about this. I didn’t make you do anything. Now, get you hair out of your face. It has to be driving you crazy.”

She doesn’t move.

“Get your hair out of your face!”

She brushes her hair out of her face.

“There, now. Isn’t that better. I know it had to be annoying you.”

Her hair starts whipping around her face again.

“Oh, you are doing that just to get under my skin, aren’t you?”

She doesn’t answer.

They turn of the highway onto a residential street. The wooshes of the cars slows in speed and number. People are in their yards doing residential street activities. She turns, looks out the windshield, and stares ahead at the trailor park they live in.

“Now, put a smile on your face. If you get out of this car looking all in a huff people are going to ask what’s wrong. Especially that busy body Mrs. Griselda. Now, sit up straight. And for Heaven’s sake get your hair out of your face.”
They pull into the space next to their trailor. She brushes her hair out of her face, doesn’t smile, opens the door, gets out, doesn’t smile, and looks toward the lake.

He is standing there. He turns, looks at her, and waves.

She lifts her arm slightly, puts it back down at her side, doesn’t smile, turns, and goes into the house.

Going to the Chapel

And, I'm not getting married. Going to a wedding today. Leah and Maria are getting hitched (well, at least as close to hitched as they can become in our mostly backward state). I am so excited! It's a gorgeous day. I have a new outfit. And, love is in the air!

Congratulations, Leah and Maria. I am so happy for you!

I am only writing to acknowledge that I am lazy

I have been incredibly lazy in the land of the blog this month. I don't know why. I love writing. I love talking about myself. So, you would think that I would be all over this! For some reason, I am just not. Ugh, my laziness is just annoying.

What has been missed in the last couple of weeks?

Jody and I had our two year anniversary. We spent a wonderful few days in San Antonio at a fancy hotel. We lucked into being right next to the Internation Accordian Festival. Now, if you know me, you know that this makes my life. I mean, how often does one stumble upon a national accordian festival? Not often! So, that was fantastic.

We ate fancy, romantic meals. We walked the Riverwalk. We narrowly escaped the Hard Rock Cafe before being forced to order overly expensive and nonappetizing sounding food. We ate some great Mexican food. We had a ton of dirty sex. We napped. We watched cable TV (you know we don't have cable at home). We watched peacocks roam our hotel grounds. We listened to some Buckwheat Zydeco whilst drinking cheap beer, sangria, and margaritas. We had a hell of a lot of fun. See...




Sure, we aren't fancy with the pictures. All were taken from my phone. I gotta get a new camera. But, needless to say, it was a super fun weekend. It was a super fun anniversary (October 10!). And, I am in love with my goony boyfriend more than ever!

What else is going on with me? Not much. For real. Life has been pretty uneventful. This weekend Leah and Maria are getting married! I am very excited! I can't wait to see them spend all of eternity together. They have been together 7 years. So, it is about time, Ladies! Finally making honest women of each other. That should be super fun.

Then the next weekend is Kate's baby shower. My Kate is having a baby. A girl! And even though she isn't going to name it Fancy Princess Last name-Last name the way Jacob and I think she should. It is going to be a fun assed baby shower!

I am working a whole hell of a lot. It's work. Too long hours, too little money. But, what's new? I think that is a universal complaint. But, I keep on going! Hurray.

Wow, my life is fairly boring right now. I don't have anything even witty to say. What the hell is going on? I need a little inspiration. Someone needs to do something stupid, so I can rant about it.

All I can say is I am excited because tonight is Glee. I got to watch my Big Bang Theory this week. And, I am looking forward to the Project Runway.

So, wow. My life has become mundane for the month. Maybe something awesome will happen on Halloween. If not, be prepared for another fun filled blog! Someone shoot me now. Ugh!

I think she has a wiener!

I want to hate this song, but I just can't. I want to hate this girl! But, I just can't. Damn you, Lady GaGa. Why do I always like the freaks? I should be able to hate this Pop Freak Crap. But, I love it!!!! Whoa is me.

She has not a pretty face, and I am sure she is actually some sort of boy. But, I can't help it. I still like her. Damn you, girl/gay man brain!

A Book is a book, of course, of course...

The other day I was driving down the freeway. On the side of the road was a book. It was open and flapping in the freeway breeze. It was a paperback. It looked like a novel. Since then, I have wondered what it is. Was it a good book? What was the title? Who threw it out? Did they mean to throw it out? Is it sad being out there on the side of 183? Has it been read? I am just so curious. That poor book.

I am a Texan, hence, I must do my part...

I have been babysitting for the sweetest kid on the face of the earth for the last couple of weeks. Let me state that until about a month ago, I have never held a baby (that honor went to the world renowned Anders). But, now I am a babysitting expert. Sure. But, it is fun.

So, in babysitting last night while The Bird's (or the babysittee) parents were working and making the music with my Jodster, I babysat. I have to say that this child may be the cutest little girl on the face of the earth. For real. I am not lying. I have never seen a baby so damned cute. And she's just smiley as hell. Damn good kid, if you ask me.

Anyway, The Bird is 10 months old today. She was born in the great state of Texas. I am sure most of you know how much people from Texas like Texas. Well, I am one of those people. I love me some Texas. And, since The Bird is a bonafide Texan with parents of Mississippi descent, I thought she might need to get to know some of her Texas heritage. Hence, we watched on of the greatest movies to ever bless the cinema...Urban Cowboy.

Now, a 10 month old doesn't much get into movies. But, it is never to early to let a true Texas girl know that she should be a Pam and not a Sissy (although most of us are-deep down inside-Sissys.

So, The Bird got a little bit of her heritage shown to her last night. Sure, we played through most of it. When a Kenny Roger's song came on, she did stop and listen to the whole thing. That was cute! She was really watching and listening intently as Sissy left Bud (who rightly deserved it!). Then she went back to chewing on the cat.

I must say that Urban Cowboy, no matter how corny and awful, is one of my favorite movies. So, to pass it on to a new and blooming Texas gal is an honor to me. Sure, country music is not my most favorite thing. But, the Urban Cowboy soundtrack surpasses the realm of country music. It is in a place all its own. I don't know what that place is. But, whatever it is, I love it.

And to leave you now, I present a set of lyrics to the world's most perfect country song by Mr. David Allen Coe (this has nothing to do with Urban Cowboy. It is just an awesome song.)...

WELL, I WAS DRUNK THE DAY MY MOM GOT OUT OF PRISON,
AND I WENT TO PICK HER UP IN THE RAIN,
BUT BEFORE I COULD GET TO THE STATION IN MY PICKUP TRUCK
SHE GOT RUN NED OVER BY A DAMNED OLD TRAIN