Well, I Like a Lot of Taffy - The World of Laura Fancy Ferguson

I Shall Become a Pioneer Woman!

2011-11-01T20:31:00.000-05:00

Well, it is November 1st. It is this time of year when turkeys are on the loose waiting to be eaten by modern day Pilgrims. It is the time of year when all of the retail world decides it is time you decorate your house for a holiday two months away. And, for me, it is time to start planning a wedding.

On September 29, 2012, I shall become Mrs. Jody Suarez. And, in doing so, I got lots of work to do to make it happen. Well, I guess we do. But, you know how it is. Women are always more involved in this kind of thing. For one reason, it's our wedding. Out big day. Our fairy tale event. Second, it is because we are bossy and want everything to be our way. So, I am just going to take the reigns on this one.

We are going all out DIY because we ain't gots no money! And, what would some fancy shindig do with me at the center of it? It would run off and cry that it got stuck with my no sock, tennis shoe wearing, half greasy haired dorkball instead of some Debutant it deserved. We have tons of ideas and little bread, so we are gonna work it like a drag queen. As Tim Gunn says, we are gonna "make it work."

We have the date, and we are pretty sure we know where we are going to have it. We are probably going to go with Pioneer Town in Wimberley. It is a great tacky little place with a lot of character and a whole lot of good memories for me as a kid and us as grownups. It's pretty awesome. There used to be a train and a medicine show. But, those things seemed to have dried up. However, it still kinda rules...and has a house made of bottles! How awesome is that? Here are some pictures of the place.

Isn't it great? I am sure that it was hoards of family fun in the 60s and 70s and 80s. Well, I know it was because that's when I first went there. It isn't so much the happening place it used to be, but that's just why I like it! We are going next weekend to give the wedding facilities the once over. Let's hope we love it or else we just might be eloping.

Other than that, we have nothing. I have been perusing websites about how to do a wedding. I think it should be doable by us. I think. I have no idea about food or a dress or any of that good stuff. But, all in due time. And all when we get some mula!

That's a Dish of a Different of a Different Color of Mold

2011-10-18T20:08:00.000-05:00

I need a dishwasher. Really. We're living like crackhead kitchen over here. You know when you just stare at the dishes. Just stare at them. They are sitting there all covered in egg yolk and ketchup and dried up salad dressing and old coffee. And you just stare. Then try to stack one more plate on the towering dish mound. And it works, so you don't have to do the dishes! You can eat cereal out of a coffee cup. It's no big deal. It's kinda fun and whimsical. And cool and modern. And stupid and lazy because I just don't want to do the dishes!

Why do I think having a dishwasher would cure this? Actually, it would cure the guilt. I could just chunk all my dishes in there and have them out of sight. That would help. I wouldn't feel so cracky. I think sometimes that we should just use paper plates and plastic silverware. But, I can't be that awful to the environment. I mean, I guess I can. But, I would feel terrible.

So, I will just sit here and hope they wash themselves. Or get up and do it. Or just stare at Jody until he does it. Is it okay to start pulling woman moves like that? Nag or something? He's got to be expecting it at some point. Nah. I'll wait on that until I want someone to paint the house.

I hate you dirty dishes! I hate you! It's not at all my lazy fault that you are there. Not at all. It's all on you. And I hate you!

Saying Something About 4 Years, Yo!

2011-10-12T23:10:00.000-05:00

Going to the Chapel...

2011-10-01T03:37:00.000-05:00

And, I'm gonna get meh-re-rare-ied! Yes, I am!

I'm getting married. Mr. Jody got down on one knee and proposed to me this evening. Well, I guess it was yesterday evening. And, I said yes! Well, I guess you figured that out or else I wouldn't be writing this.

I'm so excited! Married! Like real live people do. I can't wait. I'm a be Mrs. Suarez. Ah!! I'm so happy!

Please ignore the unpainted nails. He caught me off guard. I was actually in my undies watching Dateline or some such nonsense. I was looking ultra fabulous. But, that must mean he really loves me! I am so excited. Just wait for all the annoying wedding blogging that will come! Yay!

I Actually Thought Today was Monday...

2011-09-28T07:52:00.000-05:00

Why Did End This Way?

2011-09-26T00:54:00.000-05:00

Right this minute Jody is giving me dreadlocks whilst I am listening to "On My Own" by Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald. It's a fun night.

Cheeseballs From the Dollar Store Gave Me a Tummy Ache

2011-09-24T14:13:00.000-05:00

Serves me right. I shoulda passed them up. But, dang they are good. I wish Cheetos still made them. Remember Cheese Balls. I hate the ones from Mr. Peanut or whoever has that blue canister with Mr. Peanut on them. They are greasy, gross, and make you have to go. And, this from a fat girl. That means they are doing something wrong because I should be their main clientele. But, the old Cheetos ones where so good! I can remember the blue bag now...

Wow, I am trying to find a picture of them on google, and I am coming up with nothing. I didn't make these up in my head, did I? My sister would know. She loved the damn things. By the way, it's Planters that makes the bad ones, not Mr. Peanut. I mean, he is on the can, but it wasn't him personally who made the yucky balls. Sorry, Mr. Peanut, for blaming you. It's actually your company.

Well, now I am on the hunt for Cheetos Brand Cheese Balls. Even Wikipedia (say it like Mosby) isn't helping me. I swear, this product existed. Of course, I think if I can't find it in a 8 second google search, I am wrong. Dang this Internet fad! You're making me doubt myself.

Okay, off to research Cheese Balls. Balls....hahaha.

Good Lord!

2011-09-20T05:11:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep, as per usual. So, I am watching church on TV. Good lord, it's boring. And they keep misspelling the words they are typing at the bottom of the screen. Maybe this is why I am not religious. Bad spelling and boring speeches. I'm going to bed.

Man, I'm a Drag!

2011-09-13T00:40:00.000-05:00

I sure do poop out on this blog a lot, don't I? Am I bored, boring, or lazy? I am sure it is all three. Well, lots has happened in a month. I will tell you all about it at some other time. For now, you just get a couple of pictures of my past month. I would have more, but one such thing that happened was the loss of a laptop and my camera charger! Hurray!

I shall bring more to the party when I get a bit more time. But, isn't that a pretty picture right there? Walking has been fun!

It's Lucy's Birthday, and All She is Getting is Hot

2011-08-06T21:16:00.000-05:00

Oh, the lazy blogger. One can never build an audience when they are too lazy to write anything. But, alas, here I am.

Oh, what a week. I have spent all week on farm duty. Well, chicken, duck, ferret, fish duty. Don't giggle at that even though you can. If I spelled it a different way, it would have been really funny!

That was a lot of fun. Except, man, it was a lot of work out there in this death fire hot mess of a weather situation we have ourselves in. Nope, no global warming going on. A huge snow storm in March and a giant 4 month long drought to follow with temperatures daily of 107 degrees. Nope, weather isn't changing for the worst.

Anyway, it was fun. Lots of sweating, I must say. And who knew I could wrangle a chicken like I can. They think they are quick. But not for this fat yet spry old Austinite! It was pretty fun. Even when that roach crawled up my leg when I picked up the water feeder thing. Even though I screamed a bit, it made me feel more like a man! And that is just what ever woman needs to feel like...a man.

I went to a couple of Jody shows. One at Uncle Billy's Brew and Que. So not my type of place. It was like a mall of restaurants. It was a huge monstrosity that can't possibly make the people who pay millions for their lake homes happy. Good band, of course. But, just not my cup of tea or brew. And, it was all outside. Now, I am not sure about any of you, but sitting outside in 106 (which it was that day) heat just ain't for me (or any of the fatties on the Earth). But, I got a good view of a hot drummer in front of pretty empty Lake Travis. So, there was that!

Then we went on to show number 2 of the night at Poodie's Hilltop Bar and Grill. Different band, this time. But, still the same drummer - mine! Anyway, I love me some Poodie's. It is the most comfortable, redneck, small, dark, awesome bar of all times. Well, maybe not of all times. But, it's pretty cool.

Also playing was James Hand. He's awesome. He's like a movie character, but I can't think of the movie. He's kinda like a drunk, funny Don Knotts but not as dingy and far more depressed. Pretty awesome in my book. I think I shall try to make it back out to see him. Though, Poodie's is way the fuck out there. Man, it was far! But, I'd go back anytime!

All in all, that and work have kept me busy. Oh, and Project Runway. My reason for living is finally back on! Hurray! This season is going to be awesome!

Oh, and Happy Birthday, Lucy. I love you. So do many. Thanks for being the funny lady that probably inspired a lot of my personality. I appreciate it!

Later

Arry Pooootttter!

2011-07-25T09:08:00.000-05:00

I loved Harry Potter. It made me cry. I was so sad that it was the end. Of course, this is America. Things do not end here. We run them into the ground until every single last cent can be squeezed out of it. So, I suspect we will get a whole lot more Harry Potter at some point. And, Yay! Maybe. Wait, those Star Wars things went so badly. Nevermind. Non-Yay!

All Alone in My Nerdness

2011-07-16T21:51:00.000-05:00

Sometimes a Saturday night at home alone is all a girls needs to clear her head.

My Guy is Red Hot

2011-07-16T04:27:00.000-05:00

Most fun ever!

Sometimes You Just Gotta Be a Little Kid inTexas

2011-07-01T02:43:00.000-05:00

This dang song is in my head. I kinda like it. It's not my favorite song in all the world. And, no one would ever accuse me of being a country fan. But, it reminds me of my dad, so I don't mind it so much. I guess, too, it is a little burned into my upbringing since I was raised in Gilley's loving era of Houston. So, I can't be to blame (however, Mandy can).

Anyway, it's a bit dorky. But, I can remember riding around in my dad's truck at the lake where my granddad lived. I would be sitting in the middle with this playing on the 8-track. Not such a bad memory if you ask me. So, I present to you the song that is going through my head!

Somtimes Killer Children Makes Your Night Complete

2011-06-30T05:25:00.000-05:00

I got to see Bloody Birthday yesterday on the big screen. It was awesome. Sure, the movie is dorky as shit. But, I love it. I have always loved it. I saw it many, many years ago. I am guessing I probably saw it around the time it came out. I love that my mother let me watch whatever I wanted. It probably had something to do with my sister being 6 years older than me and letting me hang out with her and her friends at slumber parties (which was pretty cool of her, if you ask ask me).

Anyway, seeing at the theater was so awesome. And for only $1. Man, I love Alamo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrCZRblvmy8

Jumpin Jack Flash has Some Gas, Gas, Gas

2011-06-26T03:32:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting in my office (actually cubicle) all alone. Not a soul in here but me. I have headphones on because I am super jamming out to The Shins (please forgive me, Jody). Well, not necessarily jamming as it is hard to jam to The Shins. Anyway, it's just me in my headphones.

A minute ago, a sudden smell wafted across my nose. It was fart smell. It was. No doubt. Big old fart smell. And, I didn't do it!

Do you know how creepy it is to suddenly smell a big fart when no one is in the building. Really, me and like two people two floors away. Do we have ghosts that poot? It's a new building. We can't have ghosts. And before this building was just an airport runway. No respectful ghost will haunt a runway where no airplane crashes happened.

So, now I am all weirded out. I guess security might have come in and done it. But, that doesn't seem like something they would do. And they would have hollered until I heard them. Unless that tried to holler, tooted instead, and ran away. Or maybe they saw a ghost of runways part, and that scared an air biscuit out of their booty.

I have no idea. It was creepy thought. Rogue farts are coming to get me. I am not sure that is okay with me.

If I never write in this again, it is because I was ax (or is it axe? And why are their two spellings of it? I may have to look this up.) murdered by crazy lunatic murder with gas. Just my luck. The last thing I smell is a fart.

It Done Rained This One Time

2011-06-22T06:46:00.000-05:00

It's mother fucking raining, Bitches! Yeah, I said it. I said it just like that. Like a big smack in the mouth. You have no idea how awesome it is that it is raining. Today was going to be day 32 without it. And today is going to be 16 days in a row over 100 degrees. You know what that means? It means suck. It means super sucky drippy penis suck. Yes, that bad. If you don't get it, you obviously haven't ever lived in this part of Texas. Oh, rain! Yehaw! And, I got to witness the coolest storm from my office. It has a fab wall of windows and an awesome view. So, there. I got to have a really cool couple of hours.

The Channelview Reunion weekend was pretty awesome. Two things I learned:

1. I pretty much suck at bowling. I think I got a 53 and a 80. Bad for a grown up person who at one time in her teens was in a bowling league. I found that if I just hurl the damn thing, I get a much better score. I think they may frown on that. But, I say pooh to the rules! I take bowling matters into my own hands. And, dammit, hurling is what I have to do. So, I hurl. Ha. That's kinda funny there.

2. I don't really remember what number two was going to be. A list just isn't so much of a list with just one item on it. That's just a sentence. And, I wanted a list, dammit. There was actually something. However, it must be very unimportant because I can't remember 152 seconds ago. Sad, isn't it?

So, my list will end. But, just let me tell you, I had a great time. I think we should all get back together for a slumber party soon. I miss my Channelviewians. I have Shawn here but not my Mandy. It's amazing how you can know someone for 25 years (for real...since 4th grade), and you can really find a lot to talk about. Funny, isn't it. I sure do like that Mandy! She's loud. She's goofy. She loves boobies (at least that's what her bracelet says). She's is pretty awesome.

Anyway, fun was had! Super fun was had. We bowled. We ate. We listen to some "Mom Getting Sensual" music whilst eating. We gabbed. It was super fun.

Now, off I go into the rainy yonder! Freak yes!

Hotness in so Many Ways

2011-06-17T01:27:00.000-05:00

Oh, the life of a fabulous lady like myself. It sure is exciting. I tell you what. You just don't know what can happen when you live on the edge like I do. You might find yourself at work. You might find yourself at HEB. You might find yourself watching television. Oh, yes. You might.

Sure, I haven't done much of anything too exciting. But, it's too fucking hot. Too HOT! Yes, a blog about weather. It really is called for. Today it was 103. Tomorrow it looks to be 104. Yesterday it was 101. And, the hits just keep on coming. It's too hot. It's too hot to do any danged thing you can think of. I would love to go hang out outside. It's not gonna happen. I can't even do laundry because it is just too hot. I've been wearing the same damn pants for a week because our laundry room is outside and unairconditioned. I don't care if I smell like an old dog mixed with perfume mixed with Dr. Pepper I spilled all over myself. It's too hot. Maybe I will force Jody to do it. He seems to do nice things like that for me.

On better than death weather news....Mandy is coming to visit this weekend! Oh dear. That's all I can say. Mandy, Shawn, and I will be taking this town by storm. Or at least as by storm as we can during the reign of Hell right here on Earth. So, we shall be taking the inside, air conditioned areas of this town by storm. Oh yes, we will! Let's see if we can do it up like we used to. We probably can't. Well, I can't. But, I plan on trying. I really do. I am sure I will report back with details about this no holds barred weekend. That is, if I still have arms when we are done.

And for your viewing pleasure....Just be prepared for the fine and sexy dancing. You loins will probably throb. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Remember the Alamo!

2011-06-12T03:23:00.000-05:00

There are many things about this town o'mine that I love...Maria's Taco Express, Barton Springs, the people, the Alamo Drafthouse, the general awesomeness of the city. And it is good to know that one of my most favorite things is getting a lot of recognition this week. Sure, I heard about it the first day. Then Anderson Cooper heard about it the next. Then the whole world did. So, my blog today is just to thank The Alamo Drafthouse for being the most awesome group of movie theaters in all the land! I am so glad I have been a regular since way back in the day when you were on Colorado. I try to get to you once a month (or three times as I have this month). I will never talk, text, or tweet in you. And, I am glad you will take anyone's ass out who will! All hail, Alamo!

Who Let the Ducks Outs?

2011-06-07T01:56:00.001-05:00

So, guess what I got to do this weekend. I got to hang out with some of the coolest ducks on Earth. Yes, I did. Patty and Selma. Wanna see 'em? I don't care if you do or not. I'm posting pictures!

Are these fools adorable or what? Sure, I don't know which one is Patty and which one is Selma, but does it matter? Not really.

You may be wondering what a chicken is doing in there with them. Well, that's there mama. That's Henrietta. We've been friends for some time now. She is one broody little chicken. She makes you really get the meaning of Mother Hen. Anyway, my friend Trav's uncle found some duck eggs. But, there was no mother or anyone to sit on them. He sent them home with Trav because Henrietta has hatched other chicken's eggs before. So, she sat on those darned eggs for a long long long long long time. And, lo and behold, they hatched! And, oh dear, what cute baby ducks. (This reminds me of a baby duck hat my sister made me once. If you know what that refers to, I may love you. Or you have just clicked that link.)

Anyway, four of the ducks went back to Uncle's house. But, Patty and Selma got to stay! And, they are so sweet. They do this little chirp quack. Not quite duck quacking, but it's getting there. They are pretty cool little ladies. I can't wait for them to get bigger! Oh, how I love that ghetto farm...dogs, ferrets, chickens, koi, and ducks. It's like a petting zoo in the greatest possible way!

You know what else I did this weekend? I went to the movie! I know that's hard to believe because people don't often go to the movie. But, I did! And I took Jody with me. So, I am going to give you some important information....Go see Bridesmaids. For real. Like now. Somehow watch it immediately. I am sure there is a pirated copy of it somewhere on the onlines. So, go find it. Or just go to the movie and see it. It's tremendous! Even funnier than The Hangover: Part II. It is. Well, they are very close. I have a deep respect and love for Kristen Wiig (and I love the double i going on there).

Also, upon looking her up to get the link, I realized she was on the Joe Shmo Show. And she so was! I loved that show. It was the reality show that was fake (ha, not like that). It was all actors and staged except for one guy who was chosen to be the winner at the get go. Every other person was an actor. She was the doctor! Holy Shit! I am so excited. As soon as I read that I remembered it. Ah, I loved it. If you can find that online, it was really good. The Joe Shmo guy was so awesome and nice. And they all felt like assholes at the end when they had to tell them it wasn't real. It was kinda sad because they had all become friends. There was crying and anger, and it was awesome! I am shocked as shit. And you get to experience it with me! Hurray!

Okay, so that was the weekend. Hanging out with ducks, Jody, a couple of friends, movies, out to eat way too much (although the fried pickles at Alamo are the bomb or shiznit or whatever word for super yummy makes me sound the most like a honky cracker-not just a honky or a cracker, but a honky cracker). All in all not so bad. If I had written this blog 10 years ago, it would have been way more exciting. But, this will do for me this time around.

Later!

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

2011-06-03T02:55:00.000-05:00

You ever see something that just takes your breath away? A beautiful sunset; the Hope Diamond; this...

Ah, yes. Beauty. I have been staring at his rear for quite some time now. I mean, it is so round. Sort of bulbous, isn't it? And his shoes goes so well with the outfit. I feel this is probably some sort of team building exercises. Now, we just have to figure out where he works.

So, life this week. Life this week. Life this week! You know, life this week has been fairly boring. I have had the song "Alone" by Heart in my head for two days now. It has become mind numbing almost. Luckily, I like the song. Not really in a good song kind of a way-in that ironic, it sucks, but is funny in an 80's kind of way like. So, there's that.

I ate at Kerby Lane this morning for breakfast after work. I love Kerby Lane. I've only been to the one on Guadalupe even though there are a number of others. But, in all the 15 years I've been around this town, I have only eaten at that one. But, I had a yummy breakfast with a lovely man. He's good breakfast company.

I should probably have some sort of life before I decide to blog, shouldn't I?

Oh, I saw The Hangover: Part II. It's so damn funny! It's almost equally as funny as the first. That's hard to top, especially now when we all know to expect the worst (or most awesome!) I highly recommend it. Like super a lot. Super duper a lot! I think if Jody was ever to run away with some crazy fat lady (that wasn't me), I would set my sites on Zack Galifianakis. Well, him or Jason Momoa. They are both up there on my list.

I got a bunch of free junk. Magazines, shampoos, conditioners, heart burn medication, lotion. I got a new magazine-Popular Mechanics. I am very excited to read it! Not really. I am not very popular or mechanical. But, you can never have too much bathroom/coffee table reading. Actually, yes you can. Ask my recycling bin. I am probably a horrible tree hugger for getting so many magazines. But, I love it. And they are free. And, I don't know what strange list I am on, so I can't stop them anyway.

So, uneventful week. Brilliantly uneventful. I wonder what snazzy things will fall into my lap this weekend? Maybe some sort of adventure. I doubt it. But, one never knows.

Okay, off to bore others with my no life stories. Only this time, I shall tell them in person! Hurray!

My World Got a Tad Bit Greater Today

2011-05-30T05:39:00.001-05:00

For you Easter Candy Roller Skating enjoyment, I present....

Peeps Xanadu

In two parts

That's right. One of the greatest movies ever made done using happy Easter Peeps. I hated Peeps until today. Now I have a whole new respect.

Happy Veteran's Day. Thanks, Dad, for that whole going and fighting in a war thing. You are an super dad who may be the only person in the world who didn't make their Vietnam experience seem like the worst thing that ever happened to him, even though I am sure it is right up there. I guess you are the one who taught me how to look at a crappy situation and make it funny. I appreciate all you do! I love you!

Now, go make a veteran watch Xanadu (my dad took us to see it when it came out). It will make them feel good! Just look what it did for Gene Kelly.

Even I Want to Vacation in Austin!

2011-05-29T03:14:00.002-05:00

You know what I highly recommend? You know what I highly recommend after all kinds of poop like things make your life all pooplike? A staycation!

So, Jody and I decided we needed a little bit of a night out. And not just a night on the town, we needed a night out. Out of our house, out of our bed, away from those heathens we call dogs, a night away. So, we took ourselves over to the Hyatt Lady Bird Lake for a fancy 4 star night in a fancy 4 star hotel room. Oh my lord! It was awesome!

Here's our view during the day!

Here's our view at night through the amazing lens of a BlackBerry camera! Run out and get one now before the rush for happens for this fab technology!

I am not sure if you have ever stayed on the 14th floor of a hotel that overlooks Lady Bird Lake (Town Lake) and downtown. It's awesome. It's pretty cool to lay in a cush ass bed and stare down Colorado. The view was just awesome. It really was. We got to watch people do all kinds of boat things on the water. We got to watch all kinds of nightlife action. It was freaking nice!

One of the greatest things was that they didn't magnetize our room key cards, so when we went to get it done, they gave us free drink vouchers for the bar! Free drinks! Of course, we went on to buy more (because what self respecting person doesn't get all drunk when you don't have to leave the building to sleep?). I love to get fancy girl drinks. It's really a lot of fun. I found my love of girl drinks at Sullivan's Ring Side Happy Hour many moons ago with their $5 martinis (not regular martinis. I hate those.). Well, they make a damn fine fruity, girly, dork drink at Mark 10. A bit pricey. But, you know how it doesn't really matter if it has raspberries it!

Anyway, it was great. And sitting on the bed and eating P. Terry's whilst watching what happens downtown at 11pm is pretty awesome. I recommend it to anyone. Staycations rule! Especially if you need to run home for something you forgot. We didn't, but I mean, we live 11 minutes away. So, what would it matter! Oh, it was nice!

Oh, and I got to take a bath! A long, hot bath! I haven't taken a bath in almost a year. You have no idea how great it was. Just so you know, though, I have bathed. In fact, I think I bathed that morning. We just don't have a bathtub. We only have a shower. You have no idea how much you miss baths until you don't have a bathtub. My books and magazines have been very left out this year. Ah, but I got me one of them thar baths. It was magnificent!

After that, I had a pretty busy week that I attended on no such sleep. But, I got to hang out with some awesome friends. I won Chickenfoot! I love games. And I love to win them! I had a great lunch with a wonderful friend at The Ginger Man. Who knew, but they have good food. Barish food, but it was good. Watched a really good but sad movie that I recommend. Then got all rested to come to work! Hurray! Ah, the life, isn't it? Not really. But, I sure can make it sound that way if I write it well enough.

I realize that I am getting behind on telling you about all the fantastic free things that I have been getting. Well, I kinda got bored with that. If you really want me to tell you, I will. I did get a really awesome thing that I will tell you about. I got a sleeve to make grilled cheese sandwiches in the toaster! It's so cool. Sure, I haven't used it yet. I mean, I didn't go to the grocery store until day before yesterday. Actually, I went at about 3:30 on Thursday morning. So, I don't really know how you would classify that. So, we haven't had any cheese or bread. Or anything for that matter. Yay, for Taco Cabana and other such bad places I shouldn't eat at. Anyway, I haven't used it. But, I am going to try it when I get home. I will let you know how that goes. If you never hear from me again, it didn't go so well. I might have started my house on fire or some such thing that is completely possible when dealing with me and electric things and heat and grilled cheese bags! So, we'll see.

All in all I have had a fairly productive week. It has been a fun, relaxing, and tiring one. But, fun. And, did I say I beat 3 whole people at Chickenfoot? I like to rub that in. I'm a very bad winner! You should see me lose!

Anyway, great weekend to all. Yippee!!

How's About a Nice Cup of Good Weekend

2011-05-24T03:23:00.000-05:00

Well, hello, Party People. It has been one week since you looked at me. Okay, it hasn't. That is that stupid Barenaked Ladies' song. And, now it's in my head. Thanks, anyone who might possibly read this. You got that song stuck in my head! I don't particularly care for that song. Well, except for that Chickety China part. That's catchy.

I've been a busy girl since I went away. Well, since I was on the computer. I can't wait to get mine back from the Toshiba Depot (how corny is that name). They are fixing it up all nice and neat. Or they are fixing the Ethernet port because it has a short in it. That's not bad if you have wireless, but, of course, I don't. I'm cheap like that. I refuse to pay $20 more a month for the privilege of sitting exactly where I would sit with my laptop if it were plugged in. I'm all Scrooge sounding, huh? Well, I sure wish I wasn't because I got no Internet at home. And that sucks. Too bad I can't crack any of my neighbor's WiFi passwords. I've tried. Oh, yes, I've tried. No luck, though. So, I just gotta wait. Damn you, Modern Technology!

I had a fun weekend. Jody's sister Renee and his nephew Justin came to town. We did the usual Austin type stuff. Got a Mighty Cone from one of the many Trailer Park Food Courts here. Then off to Gourdough's. Oh, Gourdough's. The made to order giant, deliciousness that is the Gordough's Donut! They are sooooooo gooooood. And I mean that with that many o's. Jody and I split a Funky Monkey. Do you know how good grilled bananas, melted cream cheese icing, and brown sugar are? Especially when they are all hot and gooey on a freshly fried giant donut! Just take a look...

And, it's big, too. So big that my giant ass can't eat a whole one by myself. And, I can eat. Just check out a picture. You don't get my rear end by turning away donuts! Oh, so good. And, I am pretty sure that Renee and Justin liked them, too.

That night we scurried over to the Alamo Village to Thor 3-D. Now, I am going to state right here and now that I DO NOT like comic book movies. I am just not a fan. Blame it on me having a vagina or a graduate degree in writing or the fact that I have taste (that's just me being sassy) or whatever, but I don't like them. So, I was not particularly interested in seeing Thor ever. But, it was playing. And Renee had never seen a 3-D movie before. So, I didn't bitch too much. I just went along with it.

I can honestly say that the movie was kinda bunk. I didn't really care for it at all. It wasn't the worst of the comic book or super hero movies I have seen. It wasn't. But, it wasn't good. Definitely not a thinking person's movie. Not one with a love of detail or originality or any of those types of things. If you want to know what kind of movies I like. Boogie Nights is my favorite followed by Shawshank Redemption, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, The Big Lebowski, and Wild at Heart. Those are followed by the likes of Urban Cowboy, Xanadu, Happy Texas, Where the Heart Is, and Dirty Dancing. See, I am only a partial movie snob. I like crap just as much as the next guy. But, ugh with the super hero/comic book movies. No thanks.

There was one redeeming quality of this movie. That would be Chris Hemsworth. Just so you know, here is what he looks like:

Yeah, that's him. And he is incredible! Oh my lord. Especially this scene in which he wears his jeans ala Brad Pitt in Fight Club. And seeing that in 3-D was kinda worth it. Not totally worth it (as I did stare at the wall for a good 22 minutes of the movie). But, if you are forced to go, it is a nice view. The story is lame. There where probably only about 121 words used in the script. It's predictable, long, and just the beginning of a never ending series of Thor (and The Avenger) movies. So, I can't recommend it at all. But, if you gotta go, you get a good view. Oh, and you get to see Natalie Portman pretend to be a brilliant physicist! Ha. Yeah, I know. Stop laughing. You know she did it because she wanted that Black Swan role. I am assuming this is a contract movie. But, alas, there is one pretty man to look at while you watch a really overly simple movie.

Speaking of which (or not really) the Alamo has the best damn fried pickles ever! Eat them. They are good!

That was the weekend. I had a lot of fun with the not so in-laws. They're a fun bunch. And, I had never met Justin, so that was cool. And, I got to hear some cute and funny Jody stories that he hasn't told me. I love that he has a big sister who was old enough to remember things and give me the lowdown on all things teenage Jody. Oh, I bet he was such a smart mouth. I would have loved him!

So, that be that. And ain't nothing else going on. Hope you all are having a super fine life this week. Be careful not to stub your toes!

Dedicated to the First Official "Rap" Song

2011-05-20T00:56:00.000-05:00

So, this may make me a sicko, but I find this video to be tremendously funny. It might be a good thing that I don't have children. I think even if I did, it would be hilarious!

Now that you know I am a freakazoid, I will say that I not much be happening in the world o' Laura. Jody's sister and nephew are in town tonight. I am not with them, though, because I am at work. So, they are off having a time. And I am here having no time of any kind. Oh well. I will see them in the morning when I get off. Not that kind of getting off, as I don't work at that kind of a place. Ba-Da-Ching! Anyway, I hope they are off having a good time. I shall bring them breakfast tacos in the morning in hopes of winning over the love of my maybe one day in-laws.

Oh, I keep forgetting that the end of the world is supposed to happen this weekend. I can't wait! I hope it happens, as I don't much feel like paying my bills, going to work, or washing another dish for the rest of my life. Sure, the world would be gone, over, finito! But, what the hell do I care. I am dead like the rest of them. Wouldn't it be super awesome if it actually happened. It's not going to, of course. And it won't in 2012. The world will end, the day I die. At least it will to me. But, I am guessing this weekend isn't going to be the big event. Well, unless some odd ball religious group buying billboards and ad space around the country makes "God" fall in line! I am sure "He," like the rest of us falls prey to the PR and Marketing that is the modern American way of life. I am betting, though, he doesn't. If he did, he would already have his own reality show. Then he would have gone on to Dancing with the Stars. So, I take it we are all safe this weekend. I think I will make Jody take me on an end of the world date. What does one do when the end of the world is happening?

Not too much else going on in the mad world of an aging dingbat. I got my self some free stuff! I got a large sample of Brez. Apparently, it is the natural solution to stopping snoring. Of course, I won't need them, as I only have a couple of days left to snore. But, I got them.

I got a copy of Watch magazine. It's not a very good magazine. It seems all advertise-y to me. And Magnum P.I. is on the cover. Sure, he has a show on right now. But, really? Magnum P.I.? He does have a hot 'stache. Awarding winning, it is. (That was my Yoda) Upon looking it up, it is put out by CBS. That's why!

I got some free pantyliners. I don't know who made them. I swear, if you are a girl, you can actually never buy lady products again. You can get them for free on the Internet all the time. Sure, sometimes you have to sign up for things that are obviously meant for a 13 year old girl. But, alas, I am a 35 year old who still falls off the roof. So, I will sign up for your site. I sure will. You know why? Cause tampons ain't cheap!

Well, that is it for me for the day. I may or may not be writing in here again because it may not at all exist after this weekend. Let's hope!

I'd Vote Out the Eye of the Tiger

2011-05-16T03:16:00.000-05:00

Oh, the night that is tonight. I made that sound very dramatic, didn't I? It's not. In fact, tonight is quite undramatic. Of course, it was the finale of Survivor, my favorite show of all time! Yes, I know. It's Survivor. Well, I love it. And, dammit, I was so excited. I will not speak of all things Survivor because someone else might watch it. So, I will shut up. But, let me tell you, I was so excited. And if ever there was a show I wanted to be on, it is Survivor. I would need to lose my weight in Boston Robs before I did that. But, I would love to do it! Sure, I have never even been camping. But, alas, who cares. I wanna be on it!

I would like to thank all my peeps for the glasses information. There is so many awesome cat-eyed glasses out there. There is also an amazing site called Zenni Optical (thank you, Aaron) that has all kinds of cute glasses. I have about 12 pairs in my basket. Now, I just need to go dig up my prescription. Or go get a new one. I do pay for some sort of eye insurance that I have never used. Smart, right? Pay for something (for 3 years) and never use it. Gosh, I am an idiot. I think I should probably use it. But, there are so many cute glasses. I will be so stylish, I won't know what to do! Or at least stylish in my eyes (no pun intended). I am probably one of the most unstylish people in the free world (or the unfree world, for that matter). But, I don't care. I think I look cute. I am most likely wrong. Anyway, thank you, Wonderful People of Readerdom, for the help!

Well, I didn't get any free things yesterday because it was gosh darn Sunday. Nothing against Sunday, but they don't deliver the mail that day. Damn you, United States Postal Service! How dare you not give me my mail! Sure, you do need a day off. And, of course, we need not spend that much of the tax payer's money just to give Laura a free sample pack of cinnamon toothpicks! So, I will forgive you. But, know that Monday-oh, yes, Monday-I will be looking for some fancy little do-dads in the mail! (I have no idea if any of that punctuation was correct. I hate to admit that, but I was just going on instinct. I think those instincts might have been wrong. I am going for it, though. I pains me to leave it and not look it up. I am such a freak. I have to also stop with these parenthetical expressions.)

Okay, enough of me for the day. I have to get. And I have to tinkle! I guess I should end this. You know, I talk a whole lot about human waste in this blog without ever actually meaning to do so. Next blog....wait for it....Vomit, Spit, and all Things Menstrual!

Don't Call Me the Wolfpack, I've Been Here for Years

2011-05-15T03:34:00.001-05:00

What up, Party People? As you can tell from my exciting opening there, I am having a super, awesome, fun-filled Saturday night! Oh, wait, I'm not. I'm at work. Yes! WORK! YAHOO! Okay, really, unless you can't read sarcasm at all, you know this is not the most thrilling thing on Earth. It's not unthrilling. Wait, yes it is.

One thrilling thing that is going on is that I found a new awesome show! Happy Endings! It is so funny. Like super funny. It stars the girl that got fired from SNL for being too fat (who isn't too fat). You know the funny one. The one that was fat. Casey Wilson. The entire cast is pretty funny, though. I highly recommend it (especially episode 7 if you live in a major city)! It's awesome to put on a show, love it, and then watch the entire season. So, watch it if you are bored and haven't. They are all on ABC.com. Or Project Free TV. Go watch it! Of course, I also love Swamp People. So, take my advice for what it is worth. Oh, and there are no actual "happy endings" on the show. For that, you have to go to the Megaplexxx or the "massage" place down the street.

I need a new pair of glasses. I wish I could find a pair of really awesome, rhinestone covered cat-eye glasses. I really want a pair. Like super bad.

Aren't they cute? I think I would look fabulous in them. Of course, I have no idea if I actually would. Would this face look okay in these glasses? Add a tad more double chin because I look almost halfway un-double chinned in this photo. Wait, add more triple chin.

Just so you all know, I just sneezed 9 times in a row. Super cool.

Anyway, I am all about getting some new glasses. What do you thing? Where do you even buy them? And where do you buy them for cheap? I live in one of the "coolest" (yes, people say that) cities in the country. And, I can't even find them. But, I still want them. Don't you think it would be awesome to have some! My mom had some way back in the day. Too bad she didn't keep them. Our eyes are about the same in horrible blindness, so I could just borrow them!

Okay, that was a wasted paragraph. Ugh, I can type the most boring things. This is why my fan base is 3. And of those 3, I am one and Jody is the other. (and the 3rd is D.G. who I miss and wish she had a blog or facebook or something! Do you know how much you would love the facebook games I play? Haha).

So, before I go, I shall throw out my freebies of the last couple of days. I am going with this segment even though it is kinda stupid. But, I still love free stuff! So, here they are:

A pack of Breath Right Strips - I guess I can use these when I sleep. I can breath pretty much all the sleeping time. And, I am not too much of a snorer. Maybe I will slap one on Jody. That man can snore! It's cute. So, I probably won't. However, with this sneezing theme I got going on, maybe I will be stopped up and try one!

My weekly Entertainment Weekly - (just so you know, I am tired of adding links for the night. So, the rest will be linkless.) It's got The Hangover II on the cover. I can't wait. Part I was damn funny. In fact, it might be the funniest movie I have ever seen. And I like funny. I have incredibly high standards for comedies. That one really might top it. Of course, I watched and loved Cabin Boy last night. So, I might not have as great a taste as I think.

Maxim Magazine - Hey, it was free. It isn't the best magazine. But, it is good toilet reading (for when I take all the laxatives and fiber I get for free.). What can I say. And it's got some funny articles. There is also always one really in depth article. Also, girls in undies. Sure, they mostly look exactly the same, but it beats looking at decapitated heads or something.

Playboy Magazine - Oh, yes. Playboy. For when you want straight up boobies. The cover this week is Mick Jagger's kid. She is surprisingly weird faced. But, she has a nice set of cans. I think I may be coming across as lesbiany, but again, boobs are better than decapitated heads. Well, unless you are Jeffrey Dahmer or something. Then you would go with the decapitated heads. Anyway, it's free. It's got funny jokes. A lot of articles. Some are even a little too well written for me. Lord, I don't know that I need all this education and research when I am looking at someone's bleach blonde landing strip. Just so you know, there are two! Count them Two! centerfolds this month. And, one of them was born in 1991! When I was in the 9th grade. Oh lord, I am old!

Enough of my and my randomness. I hope all have a good day! Or night! Or afternoon! Or not. I won't know. Well, unless you tell me. You can tell me. I would be fine with that!

Later!

Here I Am... Rocking You Like a Hurrican

2011-05-11T03:14:00.000-05:00

Dearest Readers of the Annoying One (that's me),

The time has come for me to announce one thing. My week is getting worse! For real. I am now losing my voice. I gotta talk a whole lot a certain periods of time at work (or in about an hour), and it is going. I sounded like Peter Brady when I got here. Well, maybe Peter Brady mixed with Kathleen Turner. However, now I am just sound like an annoyance. You know when someone loses their voice, but they keep talking? And it's kinda squeaky yet skipping? Well, that's me. And, boy, does it suck! You people have no idea how much I like to talk! It's a lot. A whole danged lot! Well, if you can tell by the way and amount I write that I love to hear myself, then you get how much I like to talk. Besides, I'm a woman. You know how we are.

So, other than that, nothing fancy happened since last I wrote. I didn't write anything about my free stuff over the last couple of days, so I will fill you in on what I got...

A sample of FiberChoice - Apparently, the world of free samples really wants me to poop (see previous posts).

A sample pack of Salonpas Pain Relief patches - This came at a great time, as Jody has pulled a muscle in his back. I am not sure they really helped, but I pretended they did.

My weekly copy of Entertainment Weekly with hot Johnny Depp on the cover. Of course, it is for Pirates of the Caribbean 99923049809801293092. I didn't care for even the first one (and I love me some Depp. Deeply for the Depp.) But, it's still one of the better magazines out there.

A sample of Hugo Boss Boss Orange - Oh, it smells so good. I love perfume samples because I am either too cheap or too poor (too poor) to buy actual good perfume. So, I can smell fancy for free!

My first copy of Country Life Magazine (click that, and you too can get the Country Life!! I know you are thrilled.) This month's tells us all about the top 10 small tractor accessories or something like that. Now, I am sure you are wondering what a girl who lives in a hood type area of a major US city would need with Country Life Magazine. Well, nothing. But, it was free, so I couldn't pass it up. I have issues (no pun intended) with free things. I must have them! Even if they are stupid. I still want them. I mean, I have never taken a laxative in my life, but I sure do have a lot of free samples of it laying around.

I can't think of anything else. I am betting there is something else. I will go home and see it in the mail pile on the coffee table and let you know later. I don't know why I let you know these things. I wouldn't give a rat's ass about them. Wait, yes I would! I think this is part of my hoarder tendencies. Thank goodness for the show Hoarders, or I might be in really bad shape!

Okay, the speechless wonder is off. Gotta do my job. Or at least pretend to the best of my abilities to do my job!

Yahoo!

The Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak

2011-05-10T04:43:00.000-05:00

In the fine tradition of Laura has the shittiest luck on all the Earth, you guessed it, more suck has happened. Nothing horrible. But, a big ass annoyance. It is one of two things. One sucks more than the other. Either my network cable shorted out or the plug on my laptop (which is NEW! Well, not new new, but like 4 months old new. So, pretty damn new!) where the network cable goes went out. Jody found another cable, but it didn't work when plugged in. So, we are thinking it is the plug.

I did order another network cable. It will get to us on Wednesday (or so it says). I ordered it from Circuit City. I thought they went out of business. Well, apparently, they didn't. They just went 1/2 the price of Best Buy. And since we still have no license plates on the truck (whoopie!), I am having it delivered. So, we shall see.

The good thing is that the computer is still under warranty. And, I think I got some sort of Geek Squad warranty because I ordered it from the old Best Buy. I hope it is the danged old cord, though. That would be such an easier fix.

But, all is not bad. I had an excellent time at the Cinco de Pie-O party. I think I ate about 2394802 pieces of different types of pie. It was awesome. I am still full from it. Wait, that's a lie. I'm not. I am full from nothing. I ate a Lean Cuisine meal earlier, but that doesn't really fill one up. But, the party was a great time. I ate, beat the hell out of a pinata, and got to hang out some some super fun people. This is just a sampling (I stole Katie's photo, as I am the only person of my generation who doesn't take a million pictures of everything. I used to be...look at earlier blogs. But, I stopped because I am just to lazy to move my arms that much.):

And this doesn't even begin to cover it. Add pizzas made on a grill!!!, another pot pie, a mac and cheese pie with a bacon crust, and about 16 other desert pies and cobblers and cheesecake (it was sooooo goooood). You know, what? I should show you more pies!

It was pretty good, if I do say so myself. And, thank you to all my friends who take pictures with cool iPhone effects. My BlackBerry can only do so much. Poor, lowly BlackBerry. Pies, though! Pies!

So, that's about enough out of me for one sitting. Pies and misery. Ah, who can ask for anything more? Me, that's who!

Ugh!

We Don't Need No Water...

2011-05-07T18:35:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday! There is no annoying teenager song for Saturday. Well, I guess there is. Bay City Rollers. S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y- NIGHT! But, they are like 64 now, so I don't count that as an annoying teenager song anymore. Back to blog.

Saturday. I am dressed and prepared for on Cinco de Pie-O party at the Casa de Kristy and Koley. I made my Lemon Ice Box Pie. The filling was really good, so I hope it goes over well. Oh, what am I saying. It's pie. Pie always goes over well.

I slept all day, though. I had meant to do somethings, but I didn't. I actually woke up at 5. Well, first I woke up at like 10:30 after sleeping a whooping 3 hours. Super fun. I was woken up by the fire department. In fact, this is the second day in a row that at about 10:30 in the morning, we have been woken up by firemen!

Yesterday, one knocked on the door. Pretty hard, too. Jody jumped up and answered the door. It was a fireman here to check out smoke detector. In fact, he said he had an appointment to check it. I have no idea who made that appointment, but it wasn't us. Now, I know what you are thinking. No, he didn't rob us. It was the oddest thing. Ours works because we aren't retarded nor have we had enough fires to keep it going off on a constant basis. So, the batteries weren't worn down. Jody pushed the button, it worked, and he left.

Odd, right? I think I recall that happening once before when I lived off of Woodward. But, I might have made that up in my head. But, it was weird. Is it because we are in sort of a hood? And why at such an odd time? Who is home at that time of the morning beside us? I mean, our street is pretty gentrified. And if it hadn't worked, would they have given us a new one?

Then this morning about the same damn time comes another pounding on the door. What the fuck, right? Well, this time it is a whole fire truck full of fire people! One is at our door. Jody answers it. And they ask for a Mr. Harrison. Jody says you have the wrong house. The he asks if this is 003294398 address. Yes it is, but there is no Mr. Harrison. The fireman tells us that is what the lady wrote down. Well, the lady was wrong. So, he shuts the door. The firemen discuss it at some length, but I guess are satisfied that there is no Mr. Harrison here. After about 10 minutes hanging around in the road, they leave.

Now, they might have tried a couple more houses. There are only 14 houses on our whole street. So, maybe they could have gone to the houses around us. I don't think they did. I sure hope Mr. Harrison isn't on fire because they left. Of course, if he had had them check his smoke detector yesterday, he might not have been in need of a firetruck.

So, that was our exciting two days of fireman happenings. I am getting excited about eating some non-fruit pie!

I Bet Pepperoni Would Make Me Shit Fire for Days

2011-05-06T09:12:00.000-05:00

Wanna know something that sucks? Losing the license plate to your car. Yep, gone. Gone somewhere across the land hopefully not being used in a bank robbery. You wanna know what happens when you lose your license plate? I don't know. So, if you do, let me know. We gotta figure out how to get a new one. Wanna know the crappiest part about it? It's registered in Mississippi! Yes, Mississippi. It's cheaper there, and to get a car registered in Texas is like figuring out calculus. To me, not very doable. Also, we are lazy, and it was easy. Guessing we are regretting that now. Dang. That's all I can say.

I did get a sample of Boss Orange in the mail. Oh, and a nice travel book and map of the Byways of the United States. Guess where there aren't any? Texas! I guess we aren't a bywaying type of state. We don't need any of those gosh darn byways. We are a highway and freeway type state. Yes, sir. Besides, we have no license plates. We can't go anywhere, anyway. So, pooh on you, Byways. We're staying home! But we will smell good whilst we sit here!

Tomorrow is Cinco de Pie-O! That is a truly exciting thing. I can't wait for some pie. I don't generally like pie. I mean fruit pie. Chocolate and Lemon (party) and Coconut are great. Well, sans meringue. I hate meringue. Pecan, too. Wait, I don't hate pecan. That kinda sounded like I do. You don't get thighs this dimply without loving some pecan pie. Anyway, I hate hot fruit. Actually, I hate fruit not in fruit form. Applesauce is fine, but the rest of it is gross. And you people who like it are gross. Oh, bananas cool. But, that's not really a fruit. If you can't eat it on diets, it ain't fruit! Actually, bananas are 0 points on Weight Watchers now. Hurray for that and my everlasting Weight Watchers membership. But, I digress. Hot fruit and fruit pies are disgusting!

But, I am not going to be eating that kind of pie. I will be eating the other pies! Well, any vegetarian pie. I hear there will be some sort of chicken pot pie. None of that for me. You have no idea what chicken can do to a vegetarians stomach (and colon). One bite of anything containing even chicken broth can bring a vegetarian down quickly! But, I hear there will be pizza pie. I like pizza pie! Or pizza, as we normally call it.

I am making Lemon Icebox Pie. I hope it comes out okay. It's pretty easy. I am going for this pie that one of my step-father's used to make. He was kind of an ass (sorry if you read this, but you kinda are). But, my lord, he could cook. For real. Like a real Southern woman. I am not kidding. He would make things, and you could figure out how cram four helpings in (of course, if you reference my dimply thigh comment, you will know that I can eat a whole lot). So, he used to make these pies that he called cheesecakes. They weren't cheesecakes. They were Lemon Icebox Pies. And, seriously, Karen Carpenter would have eaten an entire one. That good. So, I am going to try it. I mean, the ingredients are so that you can't really go wrong if you just smush it all together. So, let's hope I don't fuck up an almost unfuck upable recipe. Man, I almost wish that guy was still around to make these incredible au gratin potatoes he used to make. You'd gain 11lbs eating the damn things, but they were good. Maybe even worth his asshatedness! He had a good sense of humor, though. You know how I appreciate that. Or you don't. I have no idea who I am talking to.

Okay, ramble, ramble, ramble. Other people are so good at writing short, funny, effective (or should that be affective? Nah, I'm going effective because I am going for effect there. Wow, inner dialogue written out. I am sleepy, aren't I? I didn't even realize I was doing that. What did I just say about the long, overnight shifts. Ugh!) Anyway, I go on for hours. Lord, look at that parenthetical whatever the word is that is supposed to follow that word in that situation. And I've got a masters in English (say that like "And you wanna be my latex salesman.")

Just so you know Gravy Masters is written across the television screen. That totally cracked me up. Back to what I was saying.

Oh, I was talking about rambling. I have to go or this may never stop. For real. It might not. I have to quit before more parenthesis happen. Agh. Someone stop me! Help. I'm out of control. Okay, rambling.

Bye

Read This Blog for Some Excitment

2011-05-02T00:22:00.001-05:00

Well, it seems I forgot to blog yesterday. I totally meant to, but I didn't. In fact, I kinda forgot about this whole dang thing. Well, so much for me keeping up with it regularly because I am half a tard (I'm erasing the R word and going for something much more offensive). I guess, though, missing one day doesn't constitute not keeping it up regularly. However, the year before that counts. Well, I am here today!

So, not a damn thing has happened since last time. I did watch Due Date starring the wondrously, hilarious Zack Galifianakis. I have no idea if that is how you spell his name. I'm not checking either. If it is, it is. If it isn't, it isn't. I doubt he will ever find out about this, so I don't think it matters. It's a funny movie. I saw it at the movies when it came out. But, I rewatched it. It has some touching moments that kinda fuck it up. But, it is still funny. Wow. That was exciting reading.

What's else is new? Osama Bin Laden is dead. That's new. Um, what else? Oh, Trav's little sister Toni got married. That's super exciting! I have been Internet spying through facebook at pictures. She looked gorgeous! And they had a Rubik's Cube cake. My dog ate a pair of flip flops of mine yesterday. I owned them for about 21 hours. I ate scrambled eggs for breakfast. Wow. I am exciting. Enough to write a whole blog about!

I did get a free thing yesterday! That was awesome. I got my weekly copy of Entertainment Weekly. I love free magazine subscriptions. Especially good ones. I also got 4 Wheel and Off Road. However, I don't so much care about that one. But, Entertainment Weekly is the best! It's entertaining on a weekly basis. I get lots of free subscriptions. We have almost too many magazines to read every month. But, that's okay. I read them! They might pile up a bit, but I do get to all of them. Our bathroom is like the periodical section of the public library (yes they have all been flagged).

Okay, enough bored writing for the evening. I will write even more boring stuff tomorrow night! Hurray!

It's Friday, Friday, Friday!

2011-04-29T23:00:00.001-05:00

Well, it is Friday. Friday. Friday. You can sing that like Rebecca Black if you like. You don't have too, though. I won't make you.

So, what am I doing this Friday night? Not really a thing. It's kinda nice to have an off night to do nothing except things you need to get done. Jody has two shows tonight. I could have been a totally cool band girlfriend and gone with him. One was at Botticelli's and the other at The Continental Club. So, neither one would have not been fun. I opted to stay home and get some chore type things done.

First on the list, Mother's Day! I am wrapping and packing and taping and decorating Mother's Day presents. Between the two of us, there are three moms. I have two and Jody has one. So, I shopped today for gifts and wrapping paper and all the fun stuff that goes along with them. And here I sit making everything festive.

Of course, I did forget to find boxes. I have to send all gifts through the mail. I just can't wrap them up in gift boxes. So, instead of just waiting, I have to find some boxes. Luckily, Jody and I are some of the most unorganized and lazy people on Earth (really, we are). Our entire spare bedroom is filled with boxes we haven't unpacked since moving into this house (in August. It's April. Told you.) Well, I just unpacked a few boxes and got to wrapping! Funny thing is is that I have no where to put the stuff I unpacked, as we don't have enough shelving or storage. So, it is just going to turn the back room more into a junk filled catastrophe.

I am almost done with that. I also spent the evening doing random chores. Washed the dishes. Broke a glass. Swept the floor. I wasn't going to do that because I had gotten kinda lazy in the midst of dishes. I had planned to do it, but then changed my mind. Well, luckily, I dropped and broke a glass. So, I swept after all! Hurray for fun coincidences.

I have also watched the Royal Wedding. I truly don't care about it. I missed it all day. It has been annoying the hell out of me for a month. But, I couldn't get around it tonight. With a lack of cable in my house, you gotta watch network TV unless you watch something on the Internet. So, I saw it. And, dammit, if I didn't tear up. Of course, the dress was gorgeous. Gorgeous! And I got all teary like a fucking goon. But, other than the absolutely no one that reads this...no one will ever know!

One great thing about today was that I found Urban Cowboy the novel at Half Price Books.

Isn't it awesome? As some of you (no one) may know, I have a thing for "Urban Cowboy." It's one of my favorite things in the world. I have tons of Gilley's and "Urban Cowboy" crap. And, now I have a novel about "The nighttime cowboys & their women - lovin', fightin', kickin' up a storm." There can be no wrong in this! No Wrong, People! I think it was meant to be. I just happen to turn around and look up, and there it was. Top shelf. Blaring at me. Hurray!

Well, in other words, today has been nothing much to write about. I didn't get anything free in the mail. Boooo! So, checking the mail was more like a Christmas where you are hoping for a bike and you got a jacket. That's ugly. But, I was pre-approved for a number credit cards. I am so all over those. Actually, I'm not.

Okay, enough of me for this day. I shall return soon to have another awesome blog for not a single person to read. Hurray!

It Seems I Forgot How to Type

2011-04-29T04:04:00.000-05:00

Ah, long time no type. I have absolutely no idea how long ago I wrote anything in my blog (that's simply because I didn't look at the last post before I started typing). I also have no idea why I haven't written in so long. It's probably because I don't think I am too interesting. I mean, really? Other than Elvira, Mistress of the Dark and Tony Orlando-who really is, right?

Alas, I have decided to take to writing about my fabulous life in fabulous Austin, TX. I have decided to write about my fabulous job and fabulous dogs and fabulous man and fabulous pants. If it comes off as not so fabulous, that is because it either isn't or you are dumb. I take it that you being dumb is not the reason. In fact, if you are this far, you are at least somewhat functionally literate. Therefore, you are not dumb.

Things have happened. I live in a house. I live in the ghetto in a house. I love living in the ghetto in a house with my awesome Jody who still loves me like I am an Eiffel Tower made of Moon Pies and RC Cola. And I still love him as if he were the same. You can't imagine how much people can love some Eiffel Tower made of Moon Pies and RC Cola. One can love it a whole heck of a lot!

Still working at the same place. Still driving the same half doped trucked. Still wearing some raggedy pair of Converse or another. Still blond and fat and mouthy. I haven't lost any appendages. So, I feel life is pretty freakin' awesome!

One thing I did realize about myself in the last little while is that I am amazing at getting free stuff. Not like cars or houses or anything. Just random free stuff. Because of this-for many years-I have felt like checking the mail is Christmas! It's even better now that I have opted out of all paper bills. So, I don't even get stinky news in the mail (except that Quality Book Club bill that I refuse to pay because they refused to cancel me and then sent me 2 books costing $109.00! Whatever! I canceled that, and I will not pay. Buttheads!). I think, in fact, that I am really good at getting free things. I always have been. So, as a fun little blog thing (what would you call that?) I will be posting pictures of free stuff I get. If I can remember where I got them, I will add that, too. I mean, who doesn't want a free thing! But usually I forget. So, don't count on that.

I got this today:

Yes, I got an "I ♥ Pyrex" hot pad. Yes, it is hanging on the wall. We have no drawer space in this house, so that is where they all go. The stove is right over there →. I just don't around hanging over mitts on my wall. Well, actually, I would. In fact, that might be kinda cute.

Anyway, that's what I got today. I could post the Apron from some tomato company I got yesterday or the sample of Miralax I got the day before. I don't know that I need Miralax because I am pretty good at pooping without any help. But, you never know when you might need it! See, nothing fancy, but free stuff. Christmas mailbox all year long!

Okay, so as you can tell, I, like many humans, don't have much of an exciting life. In fact, it doesn't change much. I guess that is good. I am pretty okay with it. Oh, we did jump into the 21st Century and got a flat screen TV! Hurray! Who knew PBS could look so fancy. We don't have cable. Hence, the PBS viewing. But, we do got a fancy TV to watch all the network television we can handle.

This is enough for a first blog back. I have no idea who the hell is going to read it. I think only 4 people did before I stopped. But, it's kinda fun to write which is why I got a whole Masters Degree in it. That is probably why I stopped. Man, that much schooling in something really kills it for a time. You should see how crappy I am at reading books now. I read too many in undergrad and grad school to even half care about it anymore. I still do it, just not as much as I should. Oh, but don't we all have something like that? I have that and my big, fat ass. But, who doesn't.

Bye for now. More ramblings of a half crazy, half boring broad later!

2010-10-12T00:29:00.000-05:00

Well, since I decided to write more often, my computer died. Actually, it died whilst I was taking Jody to the airport to go on tour. He is home now, had a good time. I still don't have a computer, but I get by with the old Blackberry. But, it's too hard to blog on.

Nothing much going on. Yesterday was our 3rd anniversary. We had a great day! I love that goober so much. We had a great day. Sushi, Catfish (and an exciting impromptu double date with Richard and Haily), tacos, donuts, a trip to the naughty store, and so much more!

Gotta jetski right now, but I might be back!

I So Wish I could Breath

2010-09-18T22:48:00.000-05:00

Dearest Allergins of Austin, TX:

Please go away. Please! Just for an hour or so. I mean, sure, you have every right to be here. But, you are killing me. No amount of Wal-Greens brand Claritin can make you stop killing my head, lungs, eyes, nose, and brain. Sure, I can't afford the real army, I have to go with the army reserves. But, give me a chance. How many days must I wave the white flag before you give your white flag a flying? An hour? A ten minutes? An anything! Oh, you're killing me!

Sincerely,

Drippy Stopped Up Face Laura
AKA
Sneezing So Much I am Nearly Tinkling in my Pants
AKA
Ugh

Timber!!!!

2010-09-15T04:30:00.000-05:00

In the long running tradition of Laura's incredible bad luck with places to live, I present the latest. Two (yes two) trees have fallen on my backyard! One doing considerable damage to the the back shed and the fence, the other just kinda ruffling up the clothes line. Mind you, neither of these trees are in our yard. Both are trees of different neighbors! Also, I have no idea how, but neither the dogs nor I heard that big sucker fall. Can you believe that? I slept through it!

So, in my great experiences that include hail breaking out every window, a sewage filled bedroom, a rat infestation, a burst pipe flood, a roof that leaked so much that there was a only a two foot space near the front door that was habitable whilst it rained, no toilet, no toilet again (and the plumber forgetting to come put it back in until we reminded them), a completely slanted house, no wiring on one half of the house, a crazy roach invasion, and The Zodiac Killer just to name a few, I give you the falling trees of 2010.

Whoa is me!

2010-09-14T01:36:00.005-05:00

I'm telling you. I decide to start writing in my blog again, and guess what happens. My dog kills my computer. Yes, I get back from taking the sexy pot to the airport, and dumb old Schneider decided he wanted to sleep on the coffee table. He turned it into some sort of Mousetrap game that ended up with a big, old cup of watered down Coke to be dumped in the computer shorting out the motherboard. Ah, isn't that fab!?! And since the other ding-a-ling, Gus, decided the other day that no one should watch TV by chewing up the remote (of a digital converter box with no channel changing capabilities on the box and no available replacement remote available for purchase). Super fun! So, I have read a whole lot and done a bunch of laundry in the past few days. It's super fun at my house right now! Thank goodness for my phone and it's wondrous Internet options. But, it certainly isn't as fun as having an actual computer.

Other than that, all has been awesome. We got a great new house! Did you read that correctly? HOUSE! As in, no one is attached to us in any way! Hurray! It's a cute old house. In fact, here it is...

It is really cute! It needs a bit of sprucing up. I want some flowers and plants and whatnot around the porch. We have some work to do on the inside. I have been planning on painting the inside, but now that all extra cash is going to the "Laura needs some entertainment" fund, I am waiting a couple of weeks. I also don't have a clue as to what flowers to plant that will survive this everlasting 103 degree weather we are having. Oh, how I want some flowers or plants or something! I will get to it. We still haven't unpacked everything yet. Oh, it is so easy to get behind. But, I love the house. It's adorable. You should come and visit sometime!

Nothing too much else to report. The Jodster is in LA tonight making the music with Ruby Dee and the Snakehandlers. He's a Snakehandler. I've been told I am one myself. Oh, that was a jab at myself! But, it was funny. Anyway, he's off making sweet tunes for the East Coast. Lucky bastard. It's only 71 there.

So, off I am. I will update more tomorrow because I will be at a computer. So more tomorrow! Maybe I will finish another book. Dang, I feel so 1993.

Okay, Here We Go Again!

2010-09-10T04:05:00.003-05:00

Well, it has been some time since I have written in my blog. And I thought today that what a better time to start than now. I started this blog with a move. And, guess what I just did? Imagine. Moving again. Also, in about 30 minutes I am taking Jody to the airport for a tour up the west coast with one of his new bands. Let me tell you, all kinds of things have gone down since that night long ago when I was bleaching my hair (including rebleaching my hair). So, soon I will be writing again! In fact, I would write more now, but I should probably get in gear to take my fellow to the airport. But, I will be back. Oh, don't you worry, I will be back!

Well, This Blog has Gone into the Shitter

2010-07-01T21:39:00.002-05:00

I have been super lazy about this blog. Well, not lazy, if you will. But, I have been busy doing nothing at all except working. How cool is that. I don't even think I see actual people anymore. Well, my coworkers. Luckily, I like them.

Oh, and I haven't been in the writing mood. Maybe I will be later. But, look, I got a new layout. Maybe. I haven't checked it. I just clicked apply to some new things. Hurray. Aren't I good! I am so tech savvy.

Bleach is the Word!

2010-06-09T10:32:00.003-05:00

Nothing smells as fancy as hair with a little bit of bleach in it. Whew! It's like death vapor in my nose. Sure, I know you are stunned that I bleach my hair. I mean, platinum is a natural color for so many. But, I do. And after 21 years of doing it, you would think I would be used to the smell. But it seems incredibly chemically today. Hope I don't burn it off!

Guess Who Has Two Thumbs and Can't Sleep?

2010-06-02T05:56:00.003-05:00

This girl!

Well, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Good lord, I can't sleep. Jody is in the other room snoozing away. I was previously snoozing away. But, the dog woke me up. And I woke up wide assed awake! So, my maybe 30 minutes of sleep has turned into super awake Laura. Hurray.

Now, I did everything a girl can do to go to sleep. We went to bed and cuddled and what not and hmmmm and everything. Then the sleeping started. Then it stopped. Jodster can fall right back to sleep. Not me. Nope! I am going to stay awake until the sun comes up. I know this because that is my normal sleeping hours.

So, here I sit at 6am. Thank goodness for Celebrity Sober House 2! I would have nothing to do if I didn't have messes of "celebrities" to watch. It's pretty awesome. But, I sure wish I could sleep during dark hours. Life would be much more eventful if I did.

I Love Them

2010-05-29T02:36:00.002-05:00

I Did Not Like LOST

2010-05-24T18:49:00.003-05:00

It's depressing. All those years, and that is how they wrapped it up? Blah.

LOST in Love

2010-05-22T10:52:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is the day in which my life will change forever. Tomorrow is the final episode of LOST.

I am so thrilled that I can barely stand it. I am finally going to get an explanation to questions, mysteries, and flat out confusing scenarios. I will finally find out what the hell is going on! I have very little idea what is actually happening on a show I have watched for six years. That's a hard thing to do, keep all your viewers guessing. And I can't wait to find out how wrong I am in all my theories, as all but one so far has been disproved.

I am so super bananapants excited. The viewing and celebration shall start tomorrow at Travis and Jacob's at 5:30. It will extend well into the evening. There will be food, drink, and probably lots of talking and rewinding.

The only problem I have is what am I going to do next? When The Sopranos ended, I still had LOST. When this ends, I got nothing. What am I going to do with my Tuesday evenings? I will be wayward and without an obsession. But, I do not mind because finally I will be able to understand what the hell is going on!

The Shoe is NOT on the Other Foot

2010-05-20T08:46:00.004-05:00

I saw a shoe, today, in the middle of the road. Just one shoe. One lone tennis shoe.

Every time I see a lone shoe or boot or flip flop (never a high heel) on the road, I wonder how it got there. Did it fall out of a car or off the back of a truck? Did someone get run over, and the police forgot to grab that shoe? Did it just fall off someone's foot, and somehow they didn't notice? Did some meanie take someone's shoe and throw it in the road?

I know you people (Mandy and Tammy and occasionally Diana) have had to have seen this. I am very curious as to how they got there. I think if I were psychic, I would use my power to find out what happened to the foot that belonged in that shoe. Hopefully, it wouldn't still be in the shoe itself.

Is This Wrong?

2010-05-18T05:25:00.002-05:00

Everyday at work I use the handicap button on the main entrance to get into my building. I never just open the door myself. I always press the handicap button. I do it when I leave, as well. I do say "Thank you, Sir" when I walk through. I mean, if someone is opening the door for me (i.e. the handicap symbol), I like to thank them. But, is that just wrong?

Just One of the Reasons I Hate Apartments!

2010-05-17T04:15:00.003-05:00

Neighbors are too damn close!

Okay, just tell me if this is weird. We have new neighbors. They have been there a month. They are a bunch of young girls and their boyfriends. No big deal. I don't know their names. We have never been introduced. The only thing I know about them is that they go in and out about 32 times a day, and they love to play Guitar Hero very loudly. That's fine. They couldn't be more than 20, so that's fine.

Today, one of the girls knocked on the door. Now, I was asleep, but Jody was awake. As any normal person would do, he ignored it. He knew it was the neighbor and the last time he answered for them we had to give them sugar and eggs. Again, no biggie, but he just didn't feel like dealing with her. So, he ignored it.

Well, that wasn't good enough. She decided to knock louder. The dogs are going nuts. I wake up (though I didn't move). He answers the door. And our dear sweet neighbor who we don't know in any asks to borrow our vacuum cleaner.

What? Really? You ask someone you do not know to borrow their vacuum cleaner. Now, I don't know if I am weird or assholey or what, but doesn't that seem like an odd or maybe even inappropriate thing to ask a neighbor for? I mean, if you know you neighbor, fine. I used to bum my friends Jason and Zack's vacuum, but we hung out every day for four years! We have no idea who you are except the girl who takes 7 out of the 10 parking spaces allotted to our building. What kinda stupid question is that?

Of course, Jody says no. He tells her it is broken. She then goes on about how hers broke and put piles of dirt all over the floor. Yep, well, ours is still "broken."

Maybe I am not very neighborly. Maybe I am just a dick. But, why in the world would I let a stranger borrow my vacuum cleaner? It almost seems gross.

I can't wait to move!

What the Poopshoot is Wrong with me?

2010-05-16T00:30:00.002-05:00

Since I graduated with my masters in Creative Writing (well, English with a concentration in creative writing), I haven't written a word. Not a single word. Well, sure, there is the occasional blog and the usual witty facebook status update. But, creatively, I ain't done squat.

My warning...Before you study something you love, make sure you love it enough to not get burned out (burnt out?) after doing it constantly for a couple of years.

Ugh.

Conway Twitty can be Awful Creepy

2010-05-15T04:39:00.005-05:00

Day, day, day. I slept really late through lots of rain. Enchiladas y Mas with a friend. Hanging out and watching Wife Swap and Hee Haw with Jody and another friend. A lovely evening breakfast from Sonic. Home for some Mystery Science Theater and hunka hunka burning love Jody. Now, up too late watching TMZ and annoying my sleeping dogs. All in all, a pretty great day.

Bak, Bak, Baaaagak!

2010-05-13T06:03:00.004-05:00

Tonight, as most nights, the Jodster and I hung out over at Trav and Jacob's. And, as per our usual, we played a game (because that is the kind of dork group we are). Tonight we played a game that I have heard of but never played. It is Chickenfoot. And, oh my gosh it is fun!

So, when Jody and I were out in the cabin in the woods, I think this was part of the domino game we couldn't figure out. I sure wish we had because it is damn fun. Sure, it took us like 2 hours, but it was so worth it. It was super ass fun. It is totally going on the Catan, Clue, Mall Madness, Monopoly side of the game table. I can't wait to play again. I didn't win, but it was still fun. And I am a sore loser!

So, anytime anyone wants to play Chickenfoot (the game, not the crappy band) give me a call! I shall chickenfoot it whilst making the most fabulous chicken noises! Hurray!

By the way, if anyone knows what this Mexican Train game that accompanies it is, let me know. Sure we could read the directions, but who wants to do that. I truly don't want to ruin the image in my head of what I believe a Mexican train is...I'm such a perv!

Back in the Saddle Again

2010-05-11T19:45:00.002-05:00

So, it seems I have done gone and got old or something. Like that? That's my Channelview grammar.

Anyway, I feel like I am old, to say the least. Let me tell you why.

Friday before last, Jody had a show at Trophy's. He played his little heart out. And being the doting band girlfriend, I went along, as did Trav and Jacob. Now, being that I am seeing a band in a bar, I had to look my hoochiest. Well, not my hoochiest, but hoochie enough. So, I wore a new bra that put my boobs right up under my head and a new pair of motorcycle boots that have a bit of a heel. Now, mind you, this isn't the highest heels I have. And they are certainly not the highest heels I have ever worn to see my fellow beat on some drums. So, I stood there on my boots with my boobs up where they were when I was 15. It was fun. I screamed, I clapped, I hooted.

Now skip to the next morning or actually afternoon. I wake up, but I can't move. Like at all. Pain is shooting through my back. I truly think I am dying. Now, let me let you in on something here...I am a stubborn mule. I try not to ask for help. I think I could be in a car, upside down in a river, and it would take me a while to call 911 just because I don't want to be a bother. Really, I am like that. Anyway, I can't freaking move.

Now, I have to pee like a son of a bitch because I just woke up. So, I kind of roll my way off the bed, and I use the hamper for a makeshift walker. Poor hamper. But, I get to the bathroom, and then I can't get off the toilet. At this point I holler for Jody. It was so bad. It was so bad that I immediately called in for work. And I am not a call in for worker. Really, I'm not.

I have a terrible back ache for a few days. Then I wake up one morning a couple of days later, Jody stretches out my legs, and I feel fine! It ruled. So, I go about my day, do a dance of joy, wiggle around, act like a tard, and guess what? I suddenly can't move again. Oh, what a fool I am.

So, it isn't going away, and I am dying in pain. So last Friday, a whole week later, I make a doctor's appointment. Now, if you think I am stubborn with asking for help, I am equally as stubborn about going to the doctor. I don't know why I am like this, but I am. It's stupid, and I know it. So, I broke down and went.

Well, it turns out I have pulled a muscle in my lower back! Hurray! And, the doctor can actually tell when he bends me all up and presses on things. So, he tells me to just lay down for a few days, take my muscle relaxers he gave me, and not do anything.

Now, it was mother's day weekend. And my mom and sister were coming down (we had lots of fun, by the way. I'll tell you more about that later.). I could take it easy. I could lay down for a few days! And I certainly didn't have the 12 hours the doctor told me I would need if I took a muscle relaxer. I still haven't had time to lay down for even half a day. Hell, I only get about 11 hours between work shifts, if I'm lucky. And I had a busy weekend. My plan is to chill tomorrow and Thursday. Maybe. I have a hard time sitting still. I don't know why, but I do.

But, I am feeling better, although I haven't done much to help the situation. In the last 4 days I did take 1 muscle relaxer which truly helped. So, I shall take one this morning, and sleep my brains out. And hopefully, this death back ache will go away. And maybe I will stop being stubborn. Probably not, but maybe!

Is this what getting old is? If so, I don't like it one bit. Ugh. I swear. This ain't cool!

Yacht Rock Me, Amadeus!

2010-05-06T07:50:00.004-05:00

Yacht Rock 12 is out! And is it the end, or is it the beginning?

For those not in the know, Yacht Rock is the greatest series of shorts ever created by man. They are all about the smooth music of the 70's created by Loggins, McDonald, Cross, Hall and Oates, etc. This music is so smooth, it is called Yacht Rock. I highly suggest you start at #1 and work you way to #12 (although, you can skip the Jethro Tull one. One, it's kinda boring. And two, it's about Jethro Tull. Yuck.)

Believe me, if you venture into the smooth seas of Yacht Rock, you will not be disappointed. Well, unless you don't have my same sense of humor. Then you might be. But, it's fucking awesome, so I don't know how you can be! So, get your dick out of your heart, and watch it!

By the way, if you type Yacht Rock into youtube, the suggestion of History of the Third Reich comes up. I find that odd.

I Ain't Got No Germy Hands!

2010-05-04T04:16:00.005-05:00

Today the Jodster and I were treated to a fine meal at the Mighty Fine by David and Steve, two of the funnest people ever. I had never been there. It was pretty good. I got the "salad sandwich" with cheese. That's just a cheeseburger without meat. I got some crinkle cut fries and a coke. It was Mighty Fine, if I do say so myself.

Now, the best part of this meal was the hand washing station in the dining room. It was like a water massage for your arms! It was incredible!

You stick your arms in, it shoots water out on you, and you can keep your arms in there for as long as you want! Then, you get a sticker! It's awesome. I highly recommend going for the hand wash. Did I mention the free stickers? They say "I have clean hands!"

This place is pretty tasty. But, you must go for the arm water massage and stickers! It's a must!

By the way, Party Down in the funniest show on TV. Don't trust me, trust the laughter that will come flowing out of your mouth involuntarily when you watch it. I'm just saying.

Let's Bowl!

2010-05-03T08:45:00.005-05:00

It seems I have gone uberly boring. Or else, I have forgotten how to type and use my brain at the same time. Either way, I think Farmville has sucked the life out of my blog. So, I must go forth and write about my exciting life before I forget I have one.

Not much been going on here in the land of the ATX (I hate when people use ATX). Saw Jody play a few times. Worked a whole buttload. Watched some incredibly dull movies. Watch out for The Lovely Bones. It's a piece of wrinkly butt.

Nothing new going on at all. I threw out my back. Seems a new bra with your boobs hiked up to your chin couple with new slightly heeled motorcycle boots will throw off your stance whilst you stand watching your hot piece of man meat beat on some drums.

It seems I am getting too fat and too old to look all hoochie like at a bar and come away unscathed. Oh 34, how I love you so! That caused me to spend a butt numbing day in bed hopped up on a borrowed hydrocodone and watching hour after hour of Rick Bayless teaching me how to make Mexican food. The fact that he over pronounced all the Spanish words got old after a while. I mean, come on, Rick! Do yo have to say EnCHEEEEEELATHA? Can't you just say enchilada. You are a white person from Chicago. And if you keep sounding that authentically Mexican, an Arizonian police person might pop out of nowhere and send you packing! And, I guess chorizo and jalapenos aren't available to everyone at the HEB. But, are they really that rare to find outside of the southwest?

Well, boobs to Rick Bayless. At least it isn't Rick Steves! His show is "Europe through the Back Door. I don't think it takes me to give you a joke to insert there. I mean, how can the title alone not just crack a smile. Come on, you're laughing! You know you are!

Good lord, what a dork. I am showing here that I have no cable. Man, does that make me lame? I am sure it does. But, I have internet. Who needs cable when you can watch everything online? Of course, I would love cable. I would love a DVR. But, I think we are doing just fine with the online. (Can I get my balls mailed to me on the online? Inside joke).

Well, there you have it. Random thoughts about absolutely nothing. Good Lord! What has become of my mush brain? I think I am going to quit now. They are weighing people on Dr. Oz. And that's way more important than thinking!

Good morning, one and all!

People on Ludes Should Not Drive!

2010-04-22T03:21:00.002-05:00

If I was a multimillionaire, the one thing I would do first would be to act on my road rage. I think I might go around ramming people who drive 23 in a 45 or the people who ride their brakes. Don't they get that they can just let off the gas? You will slow down (to 23 in a 45). Ugh. I hate other drivers. I should be the only one on the road because I am a fabulous driver! Haha!

That being said, I wish I was a multimillionaire.

I Just Want to Eat my Rice!

2010-04-18T00:18:00.003-05:00

So, I hate things. Lots of things. I could go on and on and on and on and on about how I hate things. I hate are the following:

The perforated edge of a box on items that you are supposed to be able to punch in with your thumb or finger in order to make the product in the box pourable from the box. Here are a couple of examples:

Now, I have tried to do this many times. Whether it foil, mac and cheese, rice products, Cracker Jacks, what have you, this does not work! It just dents the box. You can even get after it with a knife. That just cuts the box. You still can't get the dam thing to actually press in. And Heaven for bid it is a press and pull! That really never works. I always end up having to rip the damn top of the box open.

Why is this on a box? It seems to me that companies could skip this and save a ton of money. I bet the crappy perforating machine costs a shitload! And the design of the font, colors, and the like...that has to cost money! I vote just get rid of it all together. I know that no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to push it in. Therefore, my foil will go flying across the kitchen, unrolling, and getting all messed up. Hmmmm, maybe that's the idea. It makes you waste product!

In this old ass ad, it actually works!

I wonder why I can't make it work. I mean, I am not retarded. I have a masters degree. I think I can work a box. But, alas, I can not. I think it's because they make it damn impossible. Bad perforation, if you ask me!

And that is something I hate!

We are Woodsy!

2010-04-15T23:31:00.008-05:00

Here are some of the fancy photos of our trip. Yes, we are an amazingly hot couple. I know you may have a hard time staring at such glaring beauty, so I added a lot of scenery. This trip was super fun! I wonder where we will go next. Man, it is so fun to date your best friend. It really is!

And here is a spectacular video of Jody become the first ever World Champion of Cabin (the game we made up when we realized we couldn't remember how to play dominoes)...

I Was Country When Country Wasn't Cool....

2010-04-14T00:45:00.004-05:00

I have been a super lazy bum when it comes to blogging lately. I have no idea why. I love to talk about myself. So, I am just chalking it up to lazy because if there is any for sure thing in life, it is that I am lazy!

Lots of things have gone on. And nothing has gone on. I will say that I had the greatest weekend getaway to a cabin built in 1840 this last weekend. It's called the New Tracks Log Cabin. It was fab! It was old, rustic, smelly (in a good musty way), had no TV, had no radio, had a great boyfriend, and was just awesome.

We had some really awesome alone time together. I will post pictures. You know how you really love someone? You can deal with them for two days with no TV, and you don't fight! We had a LOT of "couple" time (wink, wink). We tried to play dominoes, but we couldn't remember how. Luckily, tucked away in a bag was a set of D & D dice (shut up, don't laugh. I know!). With those, we made up the super funnest game on Earth! CABIN! Jody became the first World Champion of Cabin. There is some very good video of this. I will post it later.

We went into Wimberley one day to hang out. We went to Pioneer Town. Again, I have pictures that I will post later. I haven't uploaded them yet. Anyway, Pioneer Town was fun. Quiet, desolate, and empty (said for a birthday party we accidentally walked in to). That was how it was when I went when I was a little kid. I guess things never change.

We then went to a pretty decent Italian restaurant called Marco's for dinner. We went to a few other places first. However, everything in Wimberley closes at 7. So, we ended up here. It was pretty good. We had a nutty little waitress named Laura! and a neighboring table with the most horrible woman sitting at it. Really, she was what I would refer to as a c*nt. And I don't use that word lightly. But, my goodness, she was mean. She kept embarrassing her kids (who sat silently and without movement) in front of anyone who would listen. She had this awful look on her face! And she kept being mean to those damn kids. The rest of her party (I assume her husband and parents) sat at the other end of the table looking down the whole time. They were one happy family. Being the audience, though was quite entertaining. Boy, she was awful. Luckily, my Eggplant Parmesan was not. It was really good!

We did a lot of drinking. Imagine that! But, not too much that we were sick. Well, I take that back. I had a moment on Wimberley night. But, after a few shots of tequila (the prize in rolling a certain number in CABIN), I had to sit out a few rounds staring at the toilet. But, alas, it passed, and joy returned! Also, the people who owned the cabin left us a fabulous bottle of wine (and an incredible continental breakfast of, I kid you not, four kinds of pastries, four kinds of cereal, yogurt, milk, orange juice, kolaches, coffee, apples, enormous homemade fruit salads, and all kinds of teas. It was so much food!).

All in all, it was a really great weekend. It was so secluded and in the woods. We say three cars and two people on bikes the whole time we were there. You have no idea what kind of good that can do a person! It was so cool!

Other than that, just been living life. I will post pictures later. And, I will write more because who doesn't want to know everything there is to know about me? Ha!

Tippy Hedren, I am Not

2010-03-31T17:37:00.002-05:00

Whilst sleeping this late morning, a bird flew into our room! We had the window open. Craziest thing I have ever seen. I didn't have my glasses on, so it scared the hell out of me. Damn thing bouncing off walls. It was like a big blur of craziness! Jody got it out. But, man, it was an exciting three minutes!

By the Way, Roseart Colors Suck!

2010-03-28T04:32:00.021-05:00

My hiatus (due to laziness because you know I was on the computer) in pictures.

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New Bed!

2010-03-17T04:44:00.002-05:00

Ah, a new bed is wonderful. We are breaking it in nicely! It's super high like Princess and the Pea! I love it! It's so comfy. Thank you, Mattress Firm!

One year until Grandma Moses kicks in!

2010-03-14T05:59:00.004-05:00

Today's my birthday. As of this very moment, I am 34 years old. Holy shit! Only one more year until I move to the next box when it comes to demographic questions. I certainly need to make the most of my last year in the second check box! After this, it is the 35 to 50 box. Oh, Lord!

It's off to a good start, I must say! It's 6 am. I've seen a show, played Beatles Rock Band, ate some stuff, got a little action (twice), and it isn't even daylight yet! Hurray!

I'll report later on the rest of my fancy day. Man, I love my birthday!

This is not Cool!

2010-03-07T13:35:00.003-06:00

So, I told you I was sick a little bit ago, right? Well, it seems that getting sick twice in two weeks is the newest thing the kids are doing. And, heaven forbid I not get in on the action.

Had to go to the after hours emergency clinic today. Thank goodness for insurance. I don't do this lightly because I am not that kind of person. I am the suck it up kind of person. But, when I woke up with the pink eye, I had just had enough.

So, here are the results:

Infections in both ears (yep, they are about to blow out of my head)
Sinus Infection (yep, the bloody noses and death mucus told me that)
pink eye! (because I have been hanging out with hobos on the playground)
and
A hole in my eardrum! I have no idea how that happened at all. But, I have one. So, Tuesday I have to go see an ENT kind of a guy! Hurray!

Top that off with an incredible crick in my neck and shoulder, horrible ringing in my ear (at least I know why), a sore throat that is a result of two ear infections and a sinus infection, an inability to hear most anything, and a cough that was just subsiding from last time but decided to rejoin the party, and you have the happiest girl in all the land!

Sunday is my birthday. I can't tell if this is just a fluke trying to keep me from fun and excitement or if it is old age creeping in.

I'm not a good sick. So, bow your head and think of Jody right now. He has become my errand boy (or errand man). And I look like crap to boot. And he ain't getting any because I feel like this (read above and you will know how I feel).

This better end whether it be from penicillin or from a madman busting into my house with an ax and a gun. I don't care. It just has to stop.

Our Fine Language

2010-03-03T04:25:00.003-06:00

These are words that just creepy me out for some reason.

Moist
Slacks
Belly
Dry Rub (yes, two words but still icky)

Thank you very much

May The Force Be With You!

2010-03-02T02:16:00.002-06:00

The Emperor has arrived! Ilona Maeve was born this fine evening at 10:34. I haven't seen her yet, but I am assuming she is super cute! A March baby just like me. Oh, that's scary!

So, Congratulations to Kate and Paul. It is sad that they are far away, and we won't get to see little Emperor any time soon. But, I am so glad all are safe, healthy, and happy! Yay!

I'm inviting this fun gal to my party!!

2010-03-01T00:43:00.004-06:00

This is a review on yelp today.

Sugar Tooth Bakery

Austin, TX
5 star rating
2/28/2010

BEST CUPCAKES EVERRRR!!! I just had my kid's second birthday and requested a tall order. Vegan sesame street cupcakes. Totally delivered the best cupcakes I have ever had. I will always order from her for any and all events.
Thanks Meghan!

So, just to say a few things about it...First, what kind of douche bag mother makes their 2 year old a vegan? Second, who exposes a child (and their friends) on their birthday to vegan cupcakes? Three, who says BEST CUPCAKES EVERRRRRR to a vegan cupcake? It would be THE BIGGEST DOUCHE NOZZLE EVERRRRR, that's who.

This is the reason Austin is becoming the most expensive shanty town in all the world. This douche baggery! This assholeness! This fucking stupid fucktard who has now created spawn that will go on to fund crappy shows on NPR, buy all their gear camping gear at REI...all the camping gear they need to hang out for one day in their life at the state park. This kind of annoyance to all normal humanity is the type the you see eating her cliff bar and texting while driving her Escalade with her iPod headphones in ignoring the poor, forced vegan two year old (who in a few short years will own a better car than I will ever own) in the back seat.

I really hate this type of person. And I am a vegetarian, by the way. But, why do that to a kid. You are in turn going to spread it to the other hangers on in this town.

And the worst part is because of all the wine and antidepressants, this fool will never off herself. She will just go on to spread it to her next two year old. Luckily, it will only be one more because it's so hard to find time to do the pregnancy and schedule your C-section when you have yoga and pilates classes to take in between stopping off at different farmers markets and natural food stores around town.

Thank you. Rant out.

P.S. There is no fucking way in the whole wide fucking world that a vegan cupcake is even near good. If it tastes like those nasty vegan brownies they sell at all the hipster, cool, trendy, doucheface convenience stores around town, then they are disgusting.

Soon To Be Bostonians

2010-02-27T08:41:00.004-06:00

Or is it Bostonites? I like that better, but I am pretty sure it is Bostonians.

So, Kristy and Koley leave us next weekend to go to Boston for a year. Ugh. It is going to be an amazing opportunity. But, ugh.

In their honor, I have made an overload of salsa and guacamole for their going away party. You know how much someone loves you in this state by the amount of guacamole in you make them. I made them lots.

So, this will be 4 down! Damn, adulthood and all it's moving aboutness. We are a shrinking crew, we are (even though sects are growing. Kate is due March 5!). But, alas, 'tis life, I guess.

Boston. Home of beans. And soon of Kristy and Koley. We shall miss them. But, luckily, our cross country road trips are getting cheaper and cheaper. I mean, who needs a hotel when you get to hunker down on a couch for free!

But, in their honor, once again, I shall say it....Ugh!

I Want That Horse Blanket!

2010-02-24T04:25:00.003-06:00

It's Snowing!

2010-02-23T10:16:00.006-06:00

Holy Cow. It is snowing right here in our very own little Austin. That never happens. Really it doesn't! There might be raging blizzards surrounding us. Here, it is just chilly. But, it's snowing. Wanna see?

Now, be wary that the remainder of my death lung is apparent in this video. I had no idea I have been sitting around sounding like an 80 year old smoker's emphysemaed lung. But, I do. No wonder people have been asking if I am alright.

Who cares! Snow!

Okay, I can't figure video thing. But, here are some pictures. You know how I like my pictures!

Dying and Death and Lungs

2010-02-22T01:55:00.003-06:00

Apparently I shouldn't have made bread. Just a few short hours later I was dying with a horrible death lung disease. After 3 days of hardcore fever, coughing, and misery I am back around. Well, I am at work. Can't say I am back around. I have been vaccinated against the flu flu and the pig flu. So, who knows what the hell happened. All I know is it sucked.

Once I return to normal human life, I shall write again. Until then. May the cough be with you!

Bread

2010-02-17T02:06:00.005-06:00

I just attempted to make bread. It was the first time. I completed said task. This is what it looks like-->

Now, I did this all by hand. I have no food processor, so I got to knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it. Then I let it rise. I think the yeast might have been a little half old/ half working. So, it didn't rise a ton. Of course, I only let it rise-rise for an hour and a half. It came out alright, though. Not great. Alright.

It came out super dense. Seems thatif you knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it and knead it...well, that is not enough. You really gotta do it for like 10 minutes. I did it for about six. My arms got tired. And, I used a tad bit too much flour. It kinda tastes floury. (My recipe book warned me about that. Did I listen? Of course not!) But I did it! No bread pan. Just baked it on a cookie sheet. I am pretty excited!

So, I put a little butter on it. Not bad. Throw some garlic powder on it, and it tasted even better.

All in all, this was a fun project. I am trying it again! For I shall be the greatest baker in all the land! Or, I will not be. Probably that one. But, it was fun!

So, next time I will use less flour, more kneading, and better yeast.

Pictures of Your Slutty Nasty Grandma...

2010-02-02T00:59:00.021-06:00

No one will get that title except David and Jody. Believe me, it is funny! But, I can't explain it. You can click on it and try to figure it out if you like.

Anywhoodles, who wants to see my trip in pictures? Who wants to see it in pictures that I took only when I remembered I had a camera? You do? Really? Oh, good.

I gotta say that I had a great time! We stopped by my dad and Brenda's for a couple of days. Hung out, watched movies, talked, ate some incredibly large and delicious sundaes, took Jody on the Pittsburg/Mt. Pleasant tour (which can be very exciting! Believe me!).

Then we headed up Mississippi way. We stopped at Vicksburg on the way. We did the whole driving tour. It was awesome. Well, I guess a Civil War Battleground isn't awesome. But, it was really interessting. Who knew that Illinois sent so many people. I got to hand it to them! They sent lots. I am standing in front of the cool monument in that one picture. Well, unless I didn't post it. It was pretty cool.

Then off to Jody's Mom's place. We stayed with his sister who is just two houses down. We hung out with them, and did basically the same thing we did at my dad's. I got the grand tour of the Pearl/Brandon/Jackson area. I got to see his old apartment, job, restaurants he likes, where he went to the movies. Man, I am such a girl. I wanted to see everything.

We hung out with his fab mom all day. Then that night we hung out with Renee, his sister. She's awesome! And boy, would we get into lots of fun trouble together if we lived closer. We had a good time! I loved them!

So, all in all, a great time. Of course, we have been back a week, and I haven't written. I got busy. Then I got super lazy because that's what I do. But, that was a quick view into the trip across the good old South. Well, sorta. Just really across a couple of states. But, it was fun!

I Got So Much!

2010-01-29T06:28:00.002-06:00

And I got no time! I will fill the probably completely empty world to which I type (except you, Mandy. You read this!) in sometime today. I had a great week away!

I am a super slueth

2010-01-21T12:22:00.002-06:00

Played Clue last night. I won! Miss Scarlett in the Library with the knife. Poirot move the hell over. I am a detective genius!

I am Jig Saw Puzzle Whore!

2010-01-20T01:26:00.006-06:00

I have become obsessed with doing jigsaw puzzles online. I don't know that I have done an actual jigsaw puzzle since Matagorda 2005 when I was belligerent out of my mind and thought doing a 2-sided Beatles Yellow Submarine jigsaw puzzle was the most important thing in the world. Before that incident, I have no idea when the last time I did a jigsaw puzzle. So, I have no idea why I am all up in the jigsaw puzzle mix.

I have found the website jigzone that is so much fun! I find the title to be quite odd and off-putting. The website, though, is awesome. It has a trillion pictures with a trillion different ways to break it up. Classic, triangles, stars. You get the idea. I am digging it. It's pretty sad. But, it is a lot of fun.

Nothing too exciting going on. I get to meet Jody's family this weekend. I am super excited. You would think after almost 2 1/2 years, I would have met them already. But, I haven't. So, I am super excited! I am kinda nervous. I sure hope they like me. I am sure they will. I am super awesome, nice, funny, cute, hilarious, the life of the party, totally not at conceited, have uber high self esteem. Hahah! Sorry. I had to be an idiot. But, I am sure after the last one, they will love me! I sure hope so!

A work friend gave me a typewriter yesterday! I am so excited. I need to get some damn paper. But, I was so excited. I love typewriters. I guess my love of words comes across to others. I was thrilled. It is a super cool thing to have. And I appreciate her thinking of me. Now, when I write the great American pornographic novel, I can do so just like Hemingway or Steinbeck!

All in all, a normal week. I'm sleepy. I ate too many nutty bars. I watched too many episodes of Supernanny on Youtube. But, all in all, not a suck ass week!

No!

2010-01-17T00:20:00.001-06:00

I got jury duty. What the shit is that? Ugh!

One Day I will Grow Up!

2010-01-11T21:01:00.005-06:00

I don't feel like talking about anything to do with water. So, I will do that later. But, we do have it. The leak is fixed. We got to catch a glimpse of the guy's apartment where it started. He wasn't home when it flooded, came home, saw the mess, and left. Didn't tell anyone. Just left. Then it started again. Anyway, it was wet as a mother fucker in his apartment. Not so much wet as just filled with water. Ha ha. Idiot! Anyway, I am sick of water.

So, lately I have been doing a little comparison watching. As you know, I love The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I think it is awesome. Now, I don't think it is awesome in an actual good kind of a way. There are some very good shows out there.
The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Roseanne(yes, Roseanne), Deadwood. Good TV.

The Secret Life of the American Teenager is not one of those shows. But, I love it. I do. It is like sno-cone syrup covered crack. It's a total soap opera. Now, I hate the main character. I hate her. She is a super duper spoiled bitch who deserves to have her child taken away. Also, she isn't really pulling off teen mom.

I think the main story line is ridiculous! Ridiculous! If you want to know the main characters story, it is this: a guy is dating a 15 year old who has a baby by another guy. He wants to break up with her because he doesn't like her anymore. But, his father thinks he should stick with her because that is what people in love do. Sure, a 15 year old should stay with another 15 year old who has another guys baby. Especially because he doesn't love or really like her anymore. Good story, huh?

There are all kinds of story lines. Slutty girl who wants Daddy's love, accidentally pregnant mom, Christian who loves doing it and thinks because of that her father died, molested teen boy trying to make good...you know, the norm. Also, these kids don't seem to have a dress code at school. Had my school not had a dress code, I think I would have been way more popular.

Anyway, it's a crap show. For real! But, I love it. I have no idea if it is good for teens because I am an old fucker. But, maybe it is. I love it, but realize that it is true junk.

Now, we had a teenager show when I was a teenager. It was My So-Called Life. I loved it. Loved it! I thought it was truly written for me and about me and whatever else you can think of.

Well, HULU has all of My So-Called Life online. So, I decide to start watching it to see if was actually good or just a The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I mean, it has been a whole long time since I watched My So-Called Life-probably 13 or 14 years. So, I decided to see.

Well, I have to report that My So-Called Life is actually a good show. Very good. Very well-written. I think it covers all the aspects of the life of teenagers in a way that isn't ridiculous drivel. I mean, there was sex and love and relationships done in a way that I truly think understood what it was like to be 15. I also think it fascinating to see that I understand the adults of the show. Yet, I can still see the teenage aspect.

I am almost done with the season. I wonder if they actually did research with teenagers for this show. It's pretty introspective. I don't think it makes fun of teenage angst. I mean, there is a lot to make fun of there. Of course, there is also a lot that shouldn't be. Teens are so dramatic. But, again, it is the first experience at real life which is full of misery, disappointment, random emotions, and what not. I don't want to be all deep, but I re-watching it really makes me appreciate the writing and respect they actually gave to kids. That is something that isn't done very often. I don't think it is always something deserved. But, it is in some ways.

So, there is my thing. The Secret Life of the American Teenager is very hokey, yet super fun to watch. My So-Called Life is pretty true to life and isn't preachy. One makes me roll my eyes, and the other makes me cry. I love doing both things, so I will continue to watch!

Okay, enough of this goofy blog. I have no idea why I am debating the fine art of teenage entertainment, but being as I am a girl (okay, maybe woman) I love this kind of thing. Forgive me. It's my estrogen and eternal want to be 17 years old.

So that's that! I think I shall go wash dishes now. I am so glad I can!

My Name Ain't Ariel!

2010-01-11T05:24:00.003-06:00

Oh, the water! Yes, the water. The Great Flood has happened, and it is in my kitchen and dining room. Hurray! I am thrilled, excited, happy as a clam (as I should be since I now live underwater)!

I will give you all the scoop later complete with pictures, videos, tales of woe, tales of "Are you serious?" (referring to, for example, the use of pool water as water in our apartment that was suggested by the manager), wet soggy anything cloth in our apartment, and so much more!

I know you are excited.

Now, how to get rid of this curse?

Water, water everywhere

2010-01-10T01:01:00.002-06:00

Last night it was 10 degrees. Our neighbors-who are not home-had a pipe burst. We had to tell the office, as it was flooding everywhere. So, they turned off the water to our building. No one has been out to check it. No one is worked on it all day. I think I am destined to be waterless at this time of year. Last year, no water and busted pipes kept us out of our house for over a month. Seriously! What the hell is up with my water kharma? Ugh!

This story could be way more exciting

2010-01-08T03:26:00.004-06:00

Ah, the weather here is cold. It is cold as hell. I am not digging it. Luckily, I got no where to go tomorrow. So, it ain't so bad. Yesterday, however, it was not so fun.

I got out to my truck, took off, and it died. I turned it back on, took off, got to the stop sign. Stopped. Started to take off, and it died. And it was dead. Dead dead. Nothing was working. No hazards, no key buzz, no nothing. The damn cold weather had zapped the battery.

The shitty part about it was that I was in the middle of turning left into a lane, it was 7am, and I was leaving work. So, not only was it cold, but I was exhausted. That, and I was blocking all kinds of traffic.

Luckily, my friend David came to my rescue. He jumped me off, I took off, and that bitch died again. We jumped it again. Nothing! Not a damn thing. So, off to Auto Zone we go. Luckily, they had a battery, and David hooked it up for me.

So, I got to go home. I was nervous the whole way thinking the car would die. But it didn't.

There was a really cool thing. I was part of the traffic report! Isn't that cool? Yes it is! And luckily everything turned out okay.

Well, this is a truly boring story. For some reason, I put no fun or excitment into it. It was very eventful, though. Take it from me. And, man, was I cold!

Okay, that's the boring ass story for the day. Ain't it great? I had a camera and a phone. Had I remembered, I would have taken a picture. I am not super cool because I totally didn't. But, alas, at least I got a battery.

Granny Laura needs some tunage!

2010-01-05T22:54:00.004-06:00

You know what I realized today? I realized that I haven't been to a show (or concert, if you will) in a really long time. I live in the live music capital of the world, and the last show I went to was in July! What kind of nonsense is that? I totally enjoy going to see live music. I am all up in the mix with a musician! So, why in the hell have I not gone out to see some dandy live tunes in so long?

Well, maybe it is because no one I like is ever playing. Well, sometimes they are. I realized the other day that I haven't liked any new music in a super long time. I don't know if it because I am getting old or just not cool in any way. But, it sucks. I need to get out there an listen to new music. I mean, sure I have listened to new music. But, it is always someone I already like...Beck, Wilco, whoever. But, nothing really new. The last "new" band I totally got into was MGMT. They are awesome. That was two years ago, though. I am so behind the times. It is no wonder I am not keeping up with the cool kid hipsterness that is the Austin, TX.

So, what is one to do? Listen to the radio? I do that. They play all crap. Believe me, I listen to the radio. Our vehicle has only a radio. No CD, not even a tape player! Nothing. Just radio. So, I get to hear what all the kids are listening to today. Sure, I like the Lady GaGa. But, I can't stand the "alternative" station. The rest of them just play Jonas Brothers/Carry Underwood death crap. I am not too into the whole pop thing. I listen to the hip hop station because mostly it is fun. But, I generally stick to oldies and classic rock (because we all need to hear Money by Pink Floyd 22304982390482392 times a day).

So, what's a girl to do. I don't want to just wrap it up and be old, talking about kids today and their music. And I am bored senseless with the same old shit I have been listening to for what seems like years.

I need suggestions! I need something! I feel like such old lady. And that ain't happening to me yet. Fat, sure. Cranky, sure. Old, no! Well, maybe a little old. But not old enough not to like decent music!

Okay, enough. I sure do love to bitch! But, then again, who doesn't.

If Flava Flav Were Here, This Would be More Interesting

2010-01-05T02:03:00.006-06:00

Well, after four wonderful days off, I am at work again. You think I would be well-rested and raring to go. Well, I walked in, and blah. Back to blah. I must say having four days off in a row absolutely rules! But, then you have to go back to work. Oh, why am I not rich or at least have a trust fund? Well, that would be because my parents have $.03. So, I guess I will have to keep having a job!

In the past couple of days, I have done absolutely nothing. So, I am guessing there isn't much exciting to talk about. Jody did give me a fabulous massage last night. Sometimes, he just does super awesome things like that for me. I highly recommend loving up on a massage therapist. It sure makes for random relaxation!

We went to the grocery store. That's fancy! And Target. Well, I went to Target. I went to both the ritzy HEB and Target. You know, we moved from Crack Land to Cracker Land. I am not really sure which is worse. I am not the biggest fan of having a pimp beat his bottom bitch in my front yard, but I am also not a fan of a soccer mom half telling me off because she doesn't want to move her buggy that is parked sideways in the middle of the tampon aisle. Actually, when you say politely (and I am polite. Believe me. My mother would beat me if I weren't), "Do you mind if I move this over a bit?" and the answer is, "Don't touch my cart. Can't you go the other way?" is the answer, it takes all you can to not bust a snotty bitch in the eye. But, I didn't. I went the other way. I should have stolen her purse! It was just sitting there.

But, I digress.

Nothing at all is going on. I have no new opinions on anything. Imagine that. That's new.

Oh, I do have a doctor appointment tomorrow to do a check up on my new asthma medication because imagine this...I have asthma! Who knew? Not me. Not anyone! Isn't that nuts. What I thought was an allergic reaction that just would not go away turns out to be asthma. That sucks, but what is good is this...I am getting treated for it. Who knew I couldn't really breathe? Not me. I thought I breathed just fine except for when the allergies got me. But, alas, that was not so. Now I am breathing like a champ. I didn't realize my lungs sucked. But, they do. So, yeah for modern technology and health insurance!

In other news, I am obsessed with The Secret Life of the American Teenager and Teen Mom. Oh, they are so good. I am not sure what my obsession with teenage pregnancy is. Maybe it was growing up in Channelview where 7 out of 10 girls were teenage mothers. (It super odd to see them on Facebook with these older teenage kids. It makes me feel old and young at the same time because I haven't even started yet, but here are my classmates with their kids going to prom!!) But, for some reason I love these shows. I just want to call these girls and let them know that there is way more life to live before kids. But, I can't. And some would say I am missing out on that aspect. But, I certainly would not have wanted to find out as a teenager. Lord, I was so stupid! I can't imagine being responsible for a person. Hell, I am stupid now. That's why I haven't started. That, and I can't figure out how the hell I would afford one.

Anyway, I am obsessed with these shows! I love them. I want to watch them all the time. In fact, I watched the whole last season of TSLOTAM (how cool am I) in two days. Yep, I did. It's so good. Hokey and corny. And they say the word sex about 77 times an episode. But, I still love it!

Okay, enough of this pointless blog. LF out!

Avatar!

2010-01-02T13:35:00.004-06:00

What a big, stinky pile of not good movie that was! It was so corny. It was so over done. It was just so not a good movie at all. I did like the female lead. I have no idea what her character name was. It was all kinds of pretty colors. The 3D was cool. But, it sucked ass! I didn't like it at all. It was preachy (and against itself, it seems), corny, hokey, badly acted, badly written, and too fucking long!

I don't see how anyone approved the spending of a half a billion dollars on such drivel. I can't figure out why anyone would spend that much to make any movie. Maybe to help irradicate AIDS or feed all the starving children in our country for the year. This movie was not worth that much money.

Oh, it was bad. Of course, if all you are looking for is fighting scenes and colors, than this is for you! But, if you look for more in a story than colors and fight, you might not like it either.

Not to mention the lead guy kept dropping his American accent. Ever three minutes I thought he was going to throw some shrimp on the barbie.

I didn't like it at all. Way too Passion of the Christ ish for me. Or maybe it was too much Corperate America is bad for me (wonder who paid for it). Or maybe it was that who outsider being the chosen one that I just hated. It was all so cliche and predictable. For real! It was not good! Hated it (say that like the two gay guys who reviewed movies on In Living Color whose names I can't remember at this moment).

Okay, that's that. I didn't like it.

Oh How the 2010 has Come!

2010-01-01T19:05:00.008-06:00

That title sounds a bit pervy, huh?

Anyway, the new year is here. I had a fantastic New Year's Eve. It wasn't spent in a hugely populated area with a bunch of goony strangers. Thanks goodness! It was spent with my best friends playing Wii, playing Uno and doing Mad Libs at the same time, getting a bit happy, dancing and singing, and watching some East Side illegal fireworks. It was really a great evening! Wanna see it?

This was at the last meal of 2009. It took place at the Dan's hamburgers on Airport. Man, Dan's is damn good. I like the Fran's, but it's not Dan's. For those of you in Austin, you know the deal with those restaurants. It was a mighty tasty meal!

Then we headed over to the T and the J's for some new year's fun with Katie! We did all kinds of fun activities that involved not a whole lot of people, but a whole lot of entertainment. Well, at least for us! I laughed so hard at one point that I almost passed out. I think that might have been during the Mad-Libs while Unoing (thank you, Jody, for the fab idea!). There was an incredible illegal fireworks display right up the street. Hell yeah, for that! I mean, they were some fancy fireworks.

All in all, a great evening. Here, I will let you see!

It was a great fucking night! For real it was. I hope everyone had as much fun as I did. And, of course, I hope everyone rang in their first meal of the new decade as fancily as we did!

Ah, the Jack in the Box! Way to start the new year!

Oh, 2009. How Fun Ye Have Been...

2009-12-30T23:37:00.004-06:00

So, it's finally the end of 2009. What a year it has been. I have watched a whole shitload of TV. I have gone to the movies a bunch. I ate out more times than I should have. And, I spent a lot of time just hanging out.

What exciting happened this year? I got a masters degree. That was pretty cool. I haven't done anything with it because of this recession and unemployment issues and all. But, I got it. And one day, I shall!

Jody and I celebrated our second year as a couple. Couple of goons, if you ask me. But, together we have been for two years. It has been a great two years. The weird thing is that I can't much remember life before him. I mean, I do. But, it seems so weird and so long ago. I am very much in love with the goober. And if it weren't for him, I would never have found an International Accordion Festival to attend!

We got our new Gussy! He is the cutest damn dog. He really is. He's sweet as he can be. He is super hyper. He poops on anything that sits still. And if he doesn't poop on it, he chews it up. Sure he has eaten most of our possessions, but he is still our sweet, stupid little Gus! And we love him. Now, if he can just re-get that pooping outside thing! (if anyone has suggestions, send them my way)

We moved to a whole new part of the city that I hadn't lived in before. It is very suburban and all that that entails. I am not sure if we will stay in the area after our lease is up because living amongst the Kate Gosselins is not my idea of fun. Neither is living in a gigantic apartment complex compound type area. But, we don't have hookers or crack houses anywhere near us. That's a major plus! The grocery store is fantastic, but the grocery store patrons suck. Seeing a woman being escorted out of the grocery store by a bagger who is holding her one bag and an umbrella over her head is something I jsut don't care to see. But, neither is a pimp screaming at his bottom bitch. So, I guess it is a fair trade. The electric bill is down about $600 a month. So, all in all, not a bad move.

This may sound pathetic, but in 2009 I finally mastered the fine art of chopsticks! Now, I know that may sound funny or sad or pathetic. It is. But, I eat a lot of Thai and Vietnamese food. In fact, my favorite restaurant in this town is Pho Van, a Vietnamese restaurant. There ain't a fork in the place! So, after some years, I finally figured out how to use them! I am not perfect, but I can actually eat. And Jody doesn't even laugh at me when I accidentally sling food on myself (which I do often). So, I feel that is a major accomplishment!

All in all, a good year. I was pretty proud of the degree and the chopsticks thing. I am so glad to be with a great man who loves fun out of town jaunts and making out with me in public. And, I got a dog who seems to hate me, but is really cute.

Let's see what the 2010 brings. I hope I don't die!

Staunch Characters!

2009-12-27T19:17:00.004-06:00

Well, once again Christmas time has come and gone. This year, it was just the Jodster and I on Christmas day. But, it was a great one! I got a lot off good stuff! I think I got Jody a present he really likes. And he got me one that I have wanted for forever! Wanna see what it is? Well, I have a picture, but it isn't on this computer. So, I am going to put a stock photo!

My Grey Gardens book! I am so excited. For those of you who don't know what Grey Gardens is, it is a documentary about Big Edie and Little Edie Beale. They are aunt and cousin to Jackie O (or Kennedy at the time). They are cuckoo birds who live in Grey Gardens, a dilapitdated house in the Hamptons. If you have never seen it, I highly recommend it! It is one of the most amazing pieces of art I have ever seen.

I really can't express enough how much I like this documentary. I love documentaries in general. And the Maysles are excellent documentary makers. But, this subject is just enthralling. I want it to go on and on. I wish I had met Little Edie. I see a bit of me in her. She is such a sympathetic character. Her mother made her a nut job!

There is a movie made of the documentary starring Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange. Now, I at first I was appalled by this. However, after having watched it, I think it was very good. It was done with the utmost respect for the subjects. And I think it might be the only really good acting Drew Barrymore has done. So, I don't object to it at all. It has a bit more insight than the documentary because it goes into their history a bit.

All in all, it is just fascinating! It truly is. Rent it, watch it, love it! I do!

So, that was Christmas. Well, not really. I got a bunch of good stuff (including my sister's old camera! Thank goodness! Now I can take pictures again that aren't with my stinky camera phone!). I had a really good meal. I got to make out with a fantastic boy who let me listen to way too much Christmas music and watch way too many Christmas movies even though he isn't all that much of a fan.

All in all, a great day! Now, onto the new year! Let's hope it is a great one!

Jody called me a Poop Face!

2009-12-23T19:01:00.003-06:00

In Canada Lait au Polulet is what they call egg nog. Translated, that is chicken milk. Translated, that is the grossest thing I have ever heard! But, it sure is funny. Chicken milk. Yuck!

I saw the trailer for the Karate Kid movie. (Do I capitalize that since it really isn't the title?) Anyway, they have turned Wax On, Wax Off into Jacket On, Jacket Off. Jacket off? Did no one on the production team realize that Jackie Chan telling Will Smith's kid to Jacket Off is about a pervy and freaking hilarious as you can get! Jacket off. Hell, Jody says that to me all the time! I didn't know he was wanting me to practice karate!

I have the song Woman in Love in my head. I think that is the title. It is sung by Barbara Streisand and written by Barry Gibb. It is so overly dramatic! It's horrible, but I love it like one would a Captain and Tennille song. But, I can't help it. It is one of those awesomely bad songs like I'm Your Lady by Celine Dione or Strong Enough by Cheryl Crow. I have no idea if these are the actual titles, but I don't want to research it right now. I will fix it later if they are wrong. But, you know what I mean? Songs that are horrible, but they are done with such amazing drama and feeling? You have to appreciate them. I might make a list of them one day. I really like those types of songs. Anyway, that song is in my head. I think you wanted to know that.

I think I might have just done that whole paragraph in italics. I am kind of a tard when it comes to this thing. I will fix it later if I did. I did. I looked at the preview. Fixing coming up.

Christmas is in two days, and I gotta bleach my hair for Santa! He will be scared away by my awful roots. I look like Britney Spears about two days before she went Spearsy and shaved her head. Remember that look? Not a good one. Oh, and I have a zit on the end of my nose that I had to pick at like a meth fiend. So, for Christmas I am going as Rudolph the Red-Nosed year ago nutty Britney Spears.

Now I am off to hang out with some peoples whom I dig! I shall be back later to make this fabulously flawed blog post. Or will I?

My lazy ass is writing again! Hurray!

2009-12-22T22:52:00.010-06:00

Oh, Blog. How I have neglected you. It isn't as if I haven't been too busy to write. I haven't. Well, I have. But it isn't really busy if you consider it is playing Farmtown on Facebook. I have just been a lazy girl, as of late. But, tonight, tonight I will show you just what I am made of. I will throw out my writing skills like no one else. I will give you, Blog, a Judy Chop, a Ningy Chop, and the most famous of all, the Karate Chop. Blog, I will kick your ass with some Master's Degree in English with a focus in creative writing style writing. And I will let you know that I will not Ningy anyone that don't need Ninjying.

Okay, that being said, I sure have been lazy. The world has been turning around me, and I have not stopped to let all you fabulous people know what has been going on. For the most part, not a damn thing!

The Jodster and I are ready for Christmas! We are doing Christmas at home with ourselves this year. We were going to venture to the Mississippi to hang out with his family, but thanks to a huge pet deposit, a set of tires, and about a trillion other expenses this month, we are rescheduling for next month. So, we are going to hang out with each other.

We got ourselves a baby tree.

Well, I have had it. Jody didn't go picking out the Cinderella on top. But, isn't it just adorable. It's the cutest little tree. So, we shall gather round and open presents. Not too many, but some. I know it may sound greedy, but we got each other gifts instead of other people. That means they will get amazing birthday presents! But, you know, sometimes you just want to have your little presents and fun. That probably does sound pretty shitty. But, my life sucks most of the time. So, sometimes getting a present peps you up a little!

Anyway, we have plans, of course. I will be working at some point. But, we are going to have a great Christmas Even Mexican Fiesta with our friends David and Steve. Then the day after Christmas, Jody's oldest friend will be coming to spend a couple of days. So, even though we aren't going to be familying it up. We are going to have fun! I must say that I will miss the annual Ferguson Family Pictionary Tournament. Of course, I was going to miss it anyway since we were heading up to the Mississippi. But, I will just be more ready for it next year! Luckily, I do get to do a little family visiting just after Christmas. Just not on the day.

What else is going on in the good world of this poor, yet humble Austinite? Not too much. For real. How sad. I have been working and hanging out. You know, the normal. I had a great dinner over at a friend's house the other night. You can never beat homemade veggie lasagna and mucho glasses of wine. Wrapped presents with David and Steve the other day. Made out with Jody the other night for like an hour. He is so fun to make out with! Been to work about a trillion times since last I wrote which may be a month ago now!

Oh, Kate and Paul left! They have moved on. That sucks. Baltimore. They moved to Baltimore where Ryan and Emily also moved. I think the whole lot of us may end up there. Then I saw that snow storm on the news, and I decided that would be a bad idea!

But, I can't believe it. Here someone in our group finally decides to go and have a kiddo, and we aren't even going to be around to see her! Dang! That just means we will have to visit. But, it is so sad that they left. But, being a professor and a researcher at prestigious universities is probably a damn good reason to move. Of course, they might have stuck it out here just for our Thursday night hang out. But, alas, the did not. Career and all that, I guess!

I shall miss them, though. Never two more worthy Catan opponents have I beaten!

The rest of my world involves watching TV, sleeping, and really doing not much of anything, as any good American would do. I do recommend watching Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew! Holy Hell, what a show!

Okay, enough of me. I will keep up with this more because I know how much I love to hear myself talk. So, why wouldn't others? Ha!

Youtube is our friend

2009-11-29T06:47:00.002-06:00

Rebi (?) Jackson, Debarge, and now The Jetts. Youtube is a good thing!

Jody Cooked my Crab Claw...And That Really Hurt

2009-11-27T01:59:00.007-06:00

I recommend getting a boyfriend who is Cajun and likes to cook. It makes for a fabulous Thanksgiving feast of Crawfish Pie and Seafood Gumbo. Sure, I'm a vegetarian. But, I venture the seafood route on occasion. Sometimes more than I should. And tonight was one of those nights. Oh, it was so so so so so good!

I told the Jodster that this is going to be our new tradition. It was so good. And there is a whole lot of it.

Then we went and made banana pudding. I love that awesome son of a bitch! I really do. In the immortal words of Salt N Pepa...what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!

So, my Thanksgiving went pretty damn well. Boy Howdy, I had a good day.

I'm a Champion Spella!

2009-11-21T02:52:00.005-06:00

I am very glad that I have coworkers who care about the environment. I care about the environment. I mean, I am not nuts about it, but I do recycle. I don't get gas before 6 pm if I can help it. I use the dishwasher at night. I use CFLs when I can. You know, the normal things that people do.

So, upon seeing the introduction of a sign advising us to bring our own cups from home with a list of reasons why we should not use the coffee cups supplied is a great thing to have! Except that it seems this great Earth lover doesn't have the same passion for spelling and grammar. You people have no idea how much I want to correct this with a giant Sharpee! Thanks for the effort, Greenie. But, good lord, use the spell check!

The funniest part is that STYROFOAM is spelled correctly throughout the poster, just not in the big assed title! This is why I love people!

I sure hope I didn't spell anything incorrectly in this post. Hehe!

Drank that Soda Water

2009-11-16T00:22:00.011-06:00

I have been so lazy about writing in the gosh darn blog type thingy here. I mean nothing much has gone on. Well, it has, but nothing too exciting.

Leah and Maria got married. Their wedding was beautiful! For real gorgeous wedding and all that that entails. Wanna see a picture? Good because I am going to show you one.

Don't they look amazing. It was so awesome. The most beautiful day! The most beautiful setting! A margarita machine! Yes, a margarita machine which I took full advantage of. But, other than that, it was such a nice ceremony and party.

There was, at one point, some freaky man staring at it from the woods. He might have been a serial killer or mountain man or something. We all got a kick out of that.

The ladies are now living in wedded bliss in their house that they have lived at forever. But, they are doing so wedded blissfully, as opposed to, shacking up like a bunch of harlots (which I am still doing!).

Then we had the Kate and Paul baby shower for baby Emperor Fancy. I say this because Kate's fetus looks like the Emperor from Star Wars (oh, and we like the song Fancy. It's annoying yet wonderful, so we have dubbed the baby Fancy.) Wanna see Emperor Fancy? Good because you are!

Uncanny, isn't it!

Anyway, the shower was so much fun. It was a boy/girl BBQ shower. I guess that means we are all modern. Here are a couple of pictures just to prove we actually had a good time!

Since Kristy, Travis, Jacob, and I were in charge of this shindig, you know it was slightly tasteless. Kristy brought the fabulous fetus cake that reminded me something of the movie The Brood. I made the cupcakes that were supposed to look like vaginas. Apparently they did! So, it was a success!

Of course, Kristy and I are girls through and through, so we had to decorate sweetly. So, Kristy came up with the awesome clothes line with onesies and such on the it. And of course, we had the overload of pink anything that would stand still! So, Emperor Fancy had quite the fancy baby shower. Or at least she did in my opinion!

What else has been going on? Nothing much. The danged old apartment complex found out we had dogs, and they are making us pay up on December 1. Sure, it was our bad for not paying the pet deposit up front. But, moving is super expensive. So, sometimes you have to be a little dishonest. We had planned on paying after the first of the year (so I say, but we probably would have put it off until we were caught). But, we fought the law, and the law won. So, now Christmas is going to be quite lean this year. Sure, we are totally at fault, but I still want to gripe! Dang you, apartment complex people! Dang you! Oh, and sorry for breaking the rules. I am not sure it is worth such a large hunk of money, but I guess we have to pay.

We have been to the movies a bit lately although we should just be saving up money to pay for these ding danged farting dogs. But, I highly recommend Where the Wild Things Are. It was so so so so so good. It was not happy in any way. I cried the whole time. But, I absolutely loved it. I hope it is up for best picture.

We also saw A Christmas Carol. Skip it. We got sucked in by the 3D which is so freaking cool! Then 20 minutes is up, and it turns out it is just the same old story, but it has 3D. And the coolness of that wore off, and I feel asleep. The previews were cool except the seemingly weirdly inappropriateness of a wheel chair coming at you in 3D because of the Avatar preview (which mind you, I do not want to see in any way shape or form. Don't harp on me, I am just not into that kind of movie. In fact, I will go as far as to say I hate that type of movie. I don't know why. I just do! Although I will admit the blue cat people look cool!).

Ho hum, what's next? We are headed to Mississippi for Christmas. I get to meet the fam o' the Jodster! I am so excited. Of course, that is if we can afford it after our dumb old apartment complex tries to bankrupt people at the holidays. But, we shall head to the Pearl to meet the Mom and the Sister and the Brothers and the Nephews and the Nieces and the whoever else! I am so excited. I am! I sure hope they like me. I figure as long as I keep my mouth shut, they will.

Oh, what else is going on the world of the Laura Ferguson? Not a gosh darn thing! Really. Nothing. I have a few gripes here and there. I have a few chuckles on the occasion. Sometimes I have a life, but mostly I just come to work. I need to update a whole lot more. (and so does a reader man of D.G. I miss reading your blog!!). So, I will end now because I am boring even myself.

Long Live the Kiss Army!

Happy Halloween!! Booooooo!

2009-10-31T10:53:00.002-05:00

A cop out because I got nothing today

2009-10-25T17:36:00.003-05:00

Young Woman and Older Woman in Light Blue Car
By Laura Ferguson

“You know, Honey, you shouldn’t wear your bathing suit as your underwear. It can give you an infection.”

“I know, Mom. How long until we get home?”

“’Bout half an hour. The same time it took to get here.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot.”

She leans up and takes a magazine off the dashboard. She flips through the pages, reaches the end, and starts again from the beginning.

“Interesting magazine?”

“Yeah, Mom, I guess.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound like it’s very interesting.”

“It is. I am just not in the mood to read.”

She places the magazine back on the dashboard, rolls down the window, leans back, and closes her eyes. Her hair whips around her face, but she does not brush it away. She takes a deep breath.

“You know, I really do think that boy was a good one. He treats you nice.”

“Yeah, I know, Mom.”

“No, Honey, I mean it. I really think that boy is sweet to you.”

“Yeah, Mom.”

“No, really! Now, your father –God rest his soul-wouldn’t have approved. He’s probably rolling over in his grave about this, but I don’t care. Now, I don’t like this whole mess you and that boy went and got yourselves into. You know your father would really have flipped about this. But that boy, he is a good fellow for a colored boy.”

She doesn’t say anything.

“I tell you, I have-“

“Mom, is it okay if we don’t talk for a little while. I’m really tired, and I don’t feel so great.”

“Of course. Just nap for a while.”

She reaches up and turns on the radio, takes the magazine that is blowing open off the dashboard, drops it on the floor, brushes her hair away from her face, leans back, and closes her eyes.

She can hear the woosh of the cars whipping by in the oncoming lane. Every time one does, it sends a gust of air through the car causing her hair to twirl around her face, itching her nose. But she doesn’t brush it away.

They drive on. A song comes on the radio-an upbeat number. That ends and another song-a song teenagers dance closely and slowly to-comes on. That ends and a new song comes on-another upbeat. That ends, and the local weather comes on.

“They say it is supposed to be hot all week.”

She doesn’t answer.

“Could get up into the 100s.”

She doesn’t say anything.

“You comfortable? You need one of them pills?”

“I’m okay, Mom.”

“You know, once when I was about your age, I a-“

“MOM!”

Another upbeat number started. She leans up, turns of the radio-another upbeat number, brushes the hair out of her face, kicks the magazine off her foot, leans back and closes her eyes. Again she can hear the car swoosh. Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swo-

“Okay, I am going to say something here. I know you don’t want to talk, but I just have to know if I am the reason you did this.”

She didn’t answer. Swoosh, swoosh, swo-

“Cause you know-“

“You’re not the reason I did this, Mom.”

“Well, that didn’t sound very convincing. You can’t think of me as the reason you did this, Honey. I mean, I just gave you advice. That is what I am supposed to do as your mother. But overall the decision was yours.”

She doesn’t reply. Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoo-

“Cause if you blame me for this, it is just going to make you hate me. I didn’t make you do this.”

She leans up, turns the radio back on, and leans back. She never opened her eyes.

Swo-

“I mean, this is something you decided for yourself. I only told you what I thought you should do. If you blame me for this, I don’t think I could live with myself. It’ll kill me. You will have to bury me up there with your father-God rest him. I mean, you are a good girl and that boy is a good boy even though he’s colored. I really like him a lot. I don’t think you believe that. But it’s true. I just had to tell you what was on my mind. I mean, you know I have to speak my mind, especially when it comes to something like this. In my day, you didn’t have many options. I mean, if I had had some options when I found out I was pr-Well, I just hope you don’t blame me for this. And you come to me cryin’, and I just had to tell you what I thought. I think that is always the best way to do it. Say what you feel. When you got advice to give, give it. That’s all I did. A bad situation all around. Just because I pointed it out doesn’t mean I’m to blame. You did what you did because you it is what you wanted to do.”

She opens her eyes, leans up, turns up the radio, kicks the magazine at her feet, leans back, turned, and looks out the window.

“Well, I guess that just means you do blame me. You think I forced you into this, don’t you? If that is how you feel, than I am just gonna sit here quiet. I’ll just let you think on this-you got your own freewill. And no one can make you do anything you don’t want. So don’t you try makin’ me feel quilty about this. I didn’t make you do anything. Now, get you hair out of your face. It has to be driving you crazy.”

She doesn’t move.

“Get your hair out of your face!”

She brushes her hair out of her face.

“There, now. Isn’t that better. I know it had to be annoying you.”

Her hair starts whipping around her face again.

“Oh, you are doing that just to get under my skin, aren’t you?”

She doesn’t answer.

They turn of the highway onto a residential street. The wooshes of the cars slows in speed and number. People are in their yards doing residential street activities. She turns, looks out the windshield, and stares ahead at the trailor park they live in.

“Now, put a smile on your face. If you get out of this car looking all in a huff people are going to ask what’s wrong. Especially that busy body Mrs. Griselda. Now, sit up straight. And for Heaven’s sake get your hair out of your face.”
They pull into the space next to their trailor. She brushes her hair out of her face, doesn’t smile, opens the door, gets out, doesn’t smile, and looks toward the lake.

He is standing there. He turns, looks at her, and waves.

She lifts her arm slightly, puts it back down at her side, doesn’t smile, turns, and goes into the house.

Going to the Chapel

2009-10-24T09:22:00.003-05:00

And, I'm not getting married. Going to a wedding today. Leah and Maria are getting hitched (well, at least as close to hitched as they can become in our mostly backward state). I am so excited! It's a gorgeous day. I have a new outfit. And, love is in the air!

Congratulations, Leah and Maria. I am so happy for you!

I am only writing to acknowledge that I am lazy

2009-10-21T12:41:00.007-05:00

I have been incredibly lazy in the land of the blog this month. I don't know why. I love writing. I love talking about myself. So, you would think that I would be all over this! For some reason, I am just not. Ugh, my laziness is just annoying.

What has been missed in the last couple of weeks?

Jody and I had our two year anniversary. We spent a wonderful few days in San Antonio at a fancy hotel. We lucked into being right next to the Internation Accordian Festival. Now, if you know me, you know that this makes my life. I mean, how often does one stumble upon a national accordian festival? Not often! So, that was fantastic.

We ate fancy, romantic meals. We walked the Riverwalk. We narrowly escaped the Hard Rock Cafe before being forced to order overly expensive and nonappetizing sounding food. We ate some great Mexican food. We had a ton of dirty sex. We napped. We watched cable TV (you know we don't have cable at home). We watched peacocks roam our hotel grounds. We listened to some Buckwheat Zydeco whilst drinking cheap beer, sangria, and margaritas. We had a hell of a lot of fun. See...

Sure, we aren't fancy with the pictures. All were taken from my phone. I gotta get a new camera. But, needless to say, it was a super fun weekend. It was a super fun anniversary (October 10!). And, I am in love with my goony boyfriend more than ever!

What else is going on with me? Not much. For real. Life has been pretty uneventful. This weekend Leah and Maria are getting married! I am very excited! I can't wait to see them spend all of eternity together. They have been together 7 years. So, it is about time, Ladies! Finally making honest women of each other. That should be super fun.

Then the next weekend is Kate's baby shower. My Kate is having a baby. A girl! And even though she isn't going to name it Fancy Princess Last name-Last name the way Jacob and I think she should. It is going to be a fun assed baby shower!

I am working a whole hell of a lot. It's work. Too long hours, too little money. But, what's new? I think that is a universal complaint. But, I keep on going! Hurray.

Wow, my life is fairly boring right now. I don't have anything even witty to say. What the hell is going on? I need a little inspiration. Someone needs to do something stupid, so I can rant about it.

All I can say is I am excited because tonight is Glee. I got to watch my Big Bang Theory this week. And, I am looking forward to the Project Runway.

So, wow. My life has become mundane for the month. Maybe something awesome will happen on Halloween. If not, be prepared for another fun filled blog! Someone shoot me now. Ugh!

I think she has a wiener!

2009-10-08T16:09:00.004-05:00

I want to hate this song, but I just can't. I want to hate this girl! But, I just can't. Damn you, Lady GaGa. Why do I always like the freaks? I should be able to hate this Pop Freak Crap. But, I love it!!!! Whoa is me.

She has not a pretty face, and I am sure she is actually some sort of boy. But, I can't help it. I still like her. Damn you, girl/gay man brain!

A Book is a book, of course, of course...

2009-10-07T13:42:00.003-05:00

The other day I was driving down the freeway. On the side of the road was a book. It was open and flapping in the freeway breeze. It was a paperback. It looked like a novel. Since then, I have wondered what it is. Was it a good book? What was the title? Who threw it out? Did they mean to throw it out? Is it sad being out there on the side of 183? Has it been read? I am just so curious. That poor book.

I am a Texan, hence, I must do my part...

2009-10-01T08:26:00.004-05:00

I have been babysitting for the sweetest kid on the face of the earth for the last couple of weeks. Let me state that until about a month ago, I have never held a baby (that honor went to the world renowned Anders). But, now I am a babysitting expert. Sure. But, it is fun.

So, in babysitting last night while The Bird's (or the babysittee) parents were working and making the music with my Jodster, I babysat. I have to say that this child may be the cutest little girl on the face of the earth. For real. I am not lying. I have never seen a baby so damned cute. And she's just smiley as hell. Damn good kid, if you ask me.

Anyway, The Bird is 10 months old today. She was born in the great state of Texas. I am sure most of you know how much people from Texas like Texas. Well, I am one of those people. I love me some Texas. And, since The Bird is a bonafide Texan with parents of Mississippi descent, I thought she might need to get to know some of her Texas heritage. Hence, we watched on of the greatest movies to ever bless the cinema...Urban Cowboy.

Now, a 10 month old doesn't much get into movies. But, it is never to early to let a true Texas girl know that she should be a Pam and not a Sissy (although most of us are-deep down inside-Sissys.

So, The Bird got a little bit of her heritage shown to her last night. Sure, we played through most of it. When a Kenny Roger's song came on, she did stop and listen to the whole thing. That was cute! She was really watching and listening intently as Sissy left Bud (who rightly deserved it!). Then she went back to chewing on the cat.

I must say that Urban Cowboy, no matter how corny and awful, is one of my favorite movies. So, to pass it on to a new and blooming Texas gal is an honor to me. Sure, country music is not my most favorite thing. But, the Urban Cowboy soundtrack surpasses the realm of country music. It is in a place all its own. I don't know what that place is. But, whatever it is, I love it.

And to leave you now, I present a set of lyrics to the world's most perfect country song by Mr. David Allen Coe (this has nothing to do with Urban Cowboy. It is just an awesome song.)...

WELL, I WAS DRUNK THE DAY MY MOM GOT OUT OF PRISON,
AND I WENT TO PICK HER UP IN THE RAIN,
BUT BEFORE I COULD GET TO THE STATION IN MY PICKUP TRUCK
SHE GOT RUN NED OVER BY A DAMNED OLD TRAIN